to think hubby should have cut short his bender

[fayc84]

My husband left the house at 4.30am on Wednesday for a three-day course in Birmingham for work. Fair enough. He decided to follow that up with a three-night boozing session with his brother and former flatmate in Leeds (we live in Fife, Scotland, so a wee way away). I was a little put out that he was going to be away for five nights but I'm 14wks pg and have been so tired and sick I thought it was fair enough that he should get some time away to have some fun.

While he was at the course my morning sickness went from constant nausea to not being able to keep down any food or much in the way of fluids. I lost 5lbs in the space of two days. I spoke to hubby on the phone so he knew I was ill and considering calling the hospital as I was concerned about throwing up even water but there was no offer to miss his boys' weekend.

I started to feel slightly better so did a spot of Christmas shopping on Saturday but slipped on the snow and sprained my ankle really badly. I have been unable to walk for the whole weekend and now snowed in with pretty much no food in the house. The vomiting hasn't really got much better.

I was in tears on the phone to hubby on Saturday because my foot was so sore and there was no heat or power thanks to powercut. His response was I should phone my dad who lives over an hour away to bring me a tubigrip or drive me back to parents' house. No offer of coming home even a day early. Now it looks like he may well be stranded or at least very late with train disruption due to snow. I still can't get out of the house, though am hobbling about inside alright.

So am I being unreasonable to think he should have at least offered to cut his three-day bender short to take care of his ill, injured, pregnant wife, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

Why does he need to do a 3 day bender. Is he an alcoholic?

YABU, though I can understand why you are feeling sorry for yourself.

You are asking DH to cut a reunion with his friends short and travel hundreds of miles to rush home because you sprained your ankle.

Yes you are feeling particularly low, but it is the cumulation of a lot of things that arent going away anytime soon. You are getting around in the house and there is food so its no problem really, is it?

Dont worry - you are going to live and its going to be ok.

NiceGuy: What you are saying is that, to some men, women just aren't important and that some men simply can't be bothered to think about their wives, because as far as they are concerned, the relationship and the woman exist for the man's benefit and his wishes and needs come first.

Fay, you need to sit your H down and work out a fair division of the housework ie one that gives you both the same amount of leisure time. If you are unwell in your PG he shuld be doing more housework, not fucking off for days on end.

Niceguy that is the biggest pile of shite I have ever read. I hate that some men hide behind this 'oh I'm only interested in problems and solutions' bollocks as a way to exempt themselves from taking responsibility for things.

There is no way that my DH would have done anything other than set out to come home immediately in the situation the OP is in. Yes he might have suggested that I get some interim assistance until he could get there, but that would be all.

Niceguy - really???

Problem - dw upset, ill, injured, cold, pg, tired.

Solution - come home, get some food in, put her foot up, give her a cuddle and a nice cup of tea.

Does it really take a woman to think that up?

I think your selling most men short.

Niceguy

You're just going to have to believe me when I say that the poor functioning of your mind doesn't mean that all men are stupid, lazy and selfish.

The idea that if your pregnant partner is in serious difficulties you should only help if you caused the problem is so childish I'm surprised you aren't embarrassed to admit to thinking that way, even on an anonymous forum.

As for "oh, my pregnant wife is in hospital - problem solved!" - um, perhaps you should think about a new nickname, hmmm?

Good post, Niceguy. Helpful to get a man's perspective.

Tbh, Fayc, I think you are being slightly unreasonable as you are sending mixed messages. You are unhappy that he did not offer to come home but when you said this and he offered to look for a train home you told him not to bother as you did not want to spoil his fun.

You need to be clearer with him.

I need help. I am housebound. I need support, emotional support.

I find with DH that I do need to be direct with him, he is not good at reading between the lines, at getting "hints".

You also need to talk to him about better sharing the workload. You both work full-time, no matter how demanding his job is, you should be sharing the housework.

Certainly at the moment, when you are pregnant and ill, needing assistance.

If he does not want to help then would he be agreeable to contributing towards having a cleaner come in once a week and doing a couple of hours work?

You shouldn't be sharing the housework at the moment.

HE should be doing ALL of it.

You are not well. He needs to step up.

Interesting points Niceguy - I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I think I really need to spell out to him what I'm feeling rather than being guilty of that rather female trait of expecting him just to know lol

girlafraid - I wasn't impressed by the three night booze fest either, or that it was already booked when he told me about it, but figured he should probably enjoy himself now because there will be little chance for either of us in the near future!

I think it may be one of these things where our ideas of what should happen don't quite match and better communication will be needed. Just hoping he makes it home in all this snow!

I don't think that men are useless, lazy and selfish, btw. And I do think (hope) that if I were in that situation that my DH would offer to come home.

But if he offers, and the OP said not to bother, then she is letting him off the hook.

I'm genuinely confused, I know I'm very lucky with dh, we have differing ideas on what tidy means but when it comes to emotional support he's amazing, but I would think that most men and women would recognise the OP needed support from her dh.

It sounds to me like he knows her too well and knows that he could get away with staying away. Surely after the week she's had it doesn't need to be spelt out to him what she requires in terms of support. I would think that many men would be offended at the impression on here that they need to be spoon-fed what to do by their wives.

I had to suggest that it would be nice if he had offered and only then did he ask (not offer) if he should check out prices. I told him I would not tell him to do that. I guess hoping that he would show he cared and do it anyway, but I never spelled this out told him this so I suppose it is unreasonable to be upset about that. There was no concern of prices when he was booking a hotel for three nights to have fun with his mates - this a week after he tells me he'll not be able to get me much of a Christmas present as he's got no money, now I know why!

I keep trying to think what I would do in this situation, but I wouldn't have gone off for three nights boozing in the first place so I don't know. I'm sure I would've at least looked at the options for getting home early if he told me he'd been throwing up non-stop for two days.

"because there will be little chance for either of us in the near future!"

Do you really believe that?

Because if you do, you're a fool.

I do think that your DH is being unreasonable in not offering to come home. And I don't see the need for a 3 day bender, tbh. Especially not when you are pregnant.

How would he react if you were to decide to go on a spa weekend to relax, since it is the last time you will have the chance to do so once the baby is born?

Your relationship in unequal, and this is going to cause problems once you add the stress of a new baby.

He needs to look at his priorities. And you need to stop allowing him to put himself first. Put your foot down and demand equality in your relationship.

Hang on... he spent his money on a 3 day holiday (without running it past you) & now informs you there won't be a decent present this year?

Utterly thoughtless & selfish. Not saying people shouldn't book treats (my DP enjoys a lad's weekend away once or twice a year if he can afford it) but he bloody wouldn't do so if the timing meant he'd be skint for my birthday or Xmas.

Is he going to be like this with money when the baby arrives?

I think some people are confusing what I said with what I personally would do. I am offering a man's perspective here about how our minds work. That in GENERAL we deal with problems & solutions.

We are not very good at taking hints and we don't read minds. One question to OP. Did you at any point ask him to come home? Or did you merely assume he would know? Because what you think may be blindingly obvious may never have occurred to him.

SOME men will naturally be more empathic than others, just in the same way that some women are more logical than others. This is not a black & white world.

I am not saying he is right or wrong but merely offering what I think could be how OPs husband's mind is working. I said right at the beginning I didn't think she was being unreasonable!

By very definition a man cannot ever truly understand how a woman feels when pregnant. NEVER. We might think we know but we can never know. We might even tell you we understand so you don't garrote us in our sleep but we can never know. So with that in mind, why are you all lining up to berate a guy for something he doesn't understand?

Lastly (and I admit this may be a prime example of being a nonunderstanding man), you are pregnant, not ill. Both arms have not dropped off and you should still be able to function. Why should a man have to revolve his life around a woman because she is pregnant? Why should HE have to do ALL the housework? Why should he have to drop everything at the drop of a hat? The world still turns does it not?

I'm assuming a 3 day bender means drink until you drop. Why would your DH choose to do that - what's wrong with a bit of social drinking instead.

Oops, took too long to write my post. Seen thread has since moved on a little

Niceguy2 - that drives me mad! You are right - pregnancy is not an illness, but it can be extremely debilitating. The OP has been throwing up for weeks, and is unable to keep even water down. How exactly is she supposed to function as normal? Of course most pregnant women do not need their partners to do everything for them, but for a minority it is not possible to function in anything like a normal way.

Niceguy, I am 14 wks P as I mentioned before & there are days where I can barely cope. On those days I need DP to take over.

If you are a regular here then you surely must see that loads of women have all kinds of illnesses during pregnancy, some very severe. That was a very thoughtless thing to say.

I agree that being p does not automatically mean you should get to put your feet up IF you are doing ok. When I'm having a good day I clean, cook & do as much as I can.

To be fair, he has been putting money away in a savings account for things we'll need for the baby. And we did just get a new (to us anyway) car as mine was getting a bit old and unreliable and he wanted us to have a bigger family car and said he didn't want me pg and getting stranded.

I agree that being pg isn't the same as being ill but I have also been ill so thought husband would've had some sympathy. It extended to an 'of course honey' when I asked if I could not bother making his sandwiches one morning last week because I was feeling so rotten. But I soldier into work so he probably doesn't realise how bad I feel some days.

Hubby does like a drink but he has toned it down since I had words with him saying I was worried about him overdoing it. I was hoping he'd be a bit more considerate generally when I got pg (planned) but perhaps I will have to be a bit more direct.

Niceguy - I quote

'By very definition a man cannot ever truly understand how a woman feels when pregnant. NEVER. We might think we know but we can never know. We might even tell you we understand so you don't garrote us in our sleep but we can never know. So with that in mind, why are you all lining up to berate a guy for something he doesn't understand?'

So I take it you don't know what it feels like to be pg! So then why say,

'Lastly (and I admit this may be a prime example of being a nonunderstanding man), you are pregnant, not ill. Both arms have not dropped off and you should still be able to function. Why should a man have to revolve his life around a woman because she is pregnant? Why should HE have to do ALL the housework? Why should he have to drop everything at the drop of a hat? The world still turns does it not?'

How would you know???????

And therein lies my point. We don't understand and cannot. So you must spell it out to us in words of one syllable or less.

There is little point in assuming we should read between the lines then getting very upset when we don't give you the attention you feel you need/deserve. From our point of view you are berating us for something you did not make clear and expected us to infer.

Like I said earlier, some men are naturally more empathic in which case great! Go give them a hug & tell them you appreciate them. Because there are many men who simply do not. This doesn't make them bad men who deserve to be left. Just something you need to be aware of and work with.

Case in point is a very good mate of mine. He is logical to a tee. Both employed, roof over head, bills paid, food on table, kids healthy, holiday booked next year. Life's good. Can't understand why his wife split up from him. I can. He has completely failed to notice her emotional needs.

Like I say, I'm offering a POV, I'm not saying every man is like that but men are in general more black & white.