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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know what to say to my first time mum to be pal....

59 replies

NameHasChanged · 28/11/2010 18:24

My friend is about to have her first baby. She has sked me to tell her "honestly" what labour is really like. Now, I had two uncomplicated births with no interventions and just gas and air - but even so, I was astonished by the pain, the contractions felt like being struck by lightning and I was so battered by ds2 (aka "big head") that I'm still mildly incontinent when I sneeze or cough...
She's got her candles and her ipod list and her essential oils - does she really need a dose of The Truth from me or is it best to just say nice things like "your body will cope" and "when the baby arrives it will all be worth it".

OP posts:
SecretSlattern · 28/11/2010 18:26

Just tell her no two labours are the same and leave it at that.

Original poster
NameHasChanged · 28/11/2010 18:26

I mean she has ASKED me, oops.

OP posts:
Meglet · 28/11/2010 18:27

Tell her. I wanted to know all the harsh bits before I had DC1 so I could prepare for it.

mankymummymoo · 28/11/2010 18:27

fluff it. everyone is different.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 28/11/2010 18:28

Direct her to the childbirth section of mumsnet!

LynetteScavo · 28/11/2010 18:29

Tell her the truth, of how it was for you, but also tell her that every birth is different.

With DS1 I was in such incredible pain, I would have accepted a lethal injection had it been offered, and I was terrified when I found out I was PG with DC2. With DD I had no pain. Every birth is different, and epidurals are offered for a reason.

ilovehens · 28/11/2010 18:30

Tell her it's like shitting a sofa. That's how one of my colleagues described it Grin

I can't comment because I had to have c-sections due to carrying huge monster babies who wouldn't take the usual route Shock

masochismTangoer · 28/11/2010 18:33

I would say that every birth is different - both during, before and after - keep an open mind ect...

Being worried during labour can make it longer and more painful. I was surprised how well I coped with the pain with the first - so well that with a bit of denial we did not realise I was in labour for a long time - finally called MW who pop round to find me 9 cm dilated. How I felt afterwards was pretty bad and unexpected but not with next two births.

Second baby - huge head top of chart and no incontinence - different to you.

Open mind - about everything, pain relief, delivery options, afterwards ect

KT1324 · 28/11/2010 18:35

Be truthful... I always say to anyone that asks me if you imagine that it is going to be horrendous and the worst pain you have every been in in your life you will probably be quite surprised that its not as bad as you thought.. rather than thinking it will be a breeze and then getting the shock of you life...

I also tell friends that although it was painful the moment they hand you that precious little bundle the pain fades away.... and it obv cant be that bad as so many of us go on to do it again and again!!

Nellykats · 28/11/2010 18:38

There's no point in panicking her by your own experience, plenty of women have very positive labiura and plenty don't. The main thing is, she needs to be calm and accepting of whatever happens because you can't plan labour and need to go with the flow really. I resented the horror stories that some women were really keen to recount and ofcourse it would be q lie to make it sound like a stroll in the park.
For me, the most honest description of contractions is "period pains x 100" and that she will be in good hands and that however painful it gets she'll get her baby at the end and that's all that matters. You don't want to add to her fears by describing hell on earth.

WriterofDreams · 28/11/2010 18:39

This is a tough one. I'm 36 weeks at the moment with my first and I do wonder about what labour will be like. I'm aware it can be ridiculously painful but more than that I'm curious about how it feels if you see what I mean, what goes through your head as it's all happening. I've heard nothing but negativity about labour from my mum all my life as she had three very tough births but I am very aware that this might not be what happens for me.

If I asked a friend this, I'd probably be looking for reassurance. So maybe tell her that it does really hurt but you cope surprisingly well and it does all end and the outcome is a marvellous new little baby! I would say what others have advised also - that every labour is different and that it's hard for you to predict what she'll go through, but that she needs to keep an open mind, keep calm and go for pain relief if she feels she needs it.

runmeragged · 28/11/2010 18:39

I just say that all labours are different but if you find yourself in a terrible amount of pain, just have an epidural. Oh and that it is painful but worth it.

masochismTangoer · 28/11/2010 18:40

ilovehens
I can't comment because I had to have c-sections due to carrying huge monster babies who wouldn't take the usual route

3 huge monsters who came down designated route and got quicker every time - too fast with last. Really is unique each time and to each woman.

Try getting her to focus on stuff she can control. Plan if she has c-section - food, help ect, perineum massage, and doing the sitting on birth ball scrubbing floors that might get baby in optimal condition.

Nellykats · 28/11/2010 18:40

Labiura? What is labiura? That's my phone deciding to correct "labour", that's what!

SummerRain · 28/11/2010 18:40

Better to be prepared for hell and be pleasantly surprised than to think it'll be a bit crampy and uncomfortable and be terrified after the first contraction imo.

Tell her the truth

DilysPrice · 28/11/2010 18:41

I think you have to tell her that a) very large numbers of women are in so much pain that they ask someone to stick a huge needle in their spine in order to make the pain go away
b) it's only one or two days out of her life
c) most women are prepared to do it all over again

SoupDragon · 28/11/2010 18:41

I would tell her it is more painful than you can imagine and that your body just gets on with it and leave it at that.

masochismTangoer · 28/11/2010 18:42

Oh and advise what to pack in the bag. Took way to much stuff with first and then could not get what I needed as as when - plus took sleep suit when needed vests as hospital was so hot.

Kaloki · 28/11/2010 18:43

"Better to be prepared for hell and be pleasantly surprised than to think it'll be a bit crampy and uncomfortable and be terrified after the first contraction imo.

Tell her the truth"

Agree.

Miggsie · 28/11/2010 18:45

Tell her it does hurt, and if during the first few hours she feels she can't take anymore then to ask for pain relief. There's no shame in that and don't feel you have to be brave, if you want pain relief, take it.

If she finds it ok, then she can carry on doing it naturally. She may not find it too bad, some women don't, but she is the one to judge her own tolerances and act accordingly. And tell her to get her DH to back her up all the way, my DH was telling the midwife to fetch drugs as soon as I asked.

NinkyNonker · 28/11/2010 18:49

I wondered this when asked recently, I stuck with "everyone's different."

She had a 5 hr,no pain relief water birth as it turns out. [Envy]

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 28/11/2010 18:55

I would tell her roughly what you said here -- that you were astonished by the pain and that the contractions felt like being struck by lightning, but that it was worth it and you went back and did it a second time. And that everyone's different so it could be better or worse for her.

Hassledge · 28/11/2010 18:57

Tell her. Sod this Conspiracy of Silence - just tell her it will hurt like fuck but it will be worth it.

Nobody told me and with DC1 I thought something had gone badly wrong. I had no concept of pain being that bad. It scared the shit out of me.

MumNWLondon · 28/11/2010 18:58

I would recommend she buys the natal hypnotheraphy CD to go with the candles etc and tell her that although it can hurt many women are able to deal with the pain.

I definately would not tell it it hurts like hell, because - it doesn't for everyone and also there is research which shows that the more you think its going to hurt the worse it is.

With my first I thought it would hurt like hell and it did. With my second and third I did hypnobirthing, and whilst it would be an exaggeration to say it didn't hurt at all, the pain both 2nd and 3rd time was totally manageable.

I think she is looking for reassurance rather than a horror story.

StealthPolarBear · 28/11/2010 18:58

Make sure you tell her that in the early stages, in between contractions, you get a break from the pain