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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know what to say to my first time mum to be pal....

59 replies

NameHasChanged · 28/11/2010 18:24

My friend is about to have her first baby. She has sked me to tell her "honestly" what labour is really like. Now, I had two uncomplicated births with no interventions and just gas and air - but even so, I was astonished by the pain, the contractions felt like being struck by lightning and I was so battered by ds2 (aka "big head") that I'm still mildly incontinent when I sneeze or cough...
She's got her candles and her ipod list and her essential oils - does she really need a dose of The Truth from me or is it best to just say nice things like "your body will cope" and "when the baby arrives it will all be worth it".

OP posts:
LoudRowdyDuck · 28/11/2010 19:00

I hope you don't mind me posting as I have no children yet. I got sucked into MN and have never left! Smile

To be honest, I would really much rather know about the possibilities than not. I used to think that if you diligently did kegel exercises, you would never tear or be cut, and there would be nothing to heal afterwards. At the same time, I had this horrible feeling that, well, a baby's head is of a certain size .... in short, I was scared at the idea that I was expected to push out a baby and still remain exactly as I was before the birth. It's much less scary to know that, in fact, this may not be the case and it is quite normal.

Just my thoughts ... sorry again if you didn't want non-mums on this thread.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/11/2010 19:02

Tell her it will hurt more than she can possibly imagine, but that she will cope and can ask for drugs if she wants to.

MarthaLovesMatthew · 28/11/2010 19:02

Tell her. I asked a friend when I was pg what labour was like. She told me it was not nearly as bad as people made out and that as soon as the baby was born, I would feel instantly better and forget all about it.

Now that might have been the case for her, but it definitely wasn't the case for me. In hindsight, no matter how scary it might have seemed, I would have wanted to be as in the know as possible. That's why I asked my friend about it in the first place! HTH

RorysRacingMa · 28/11/2010 19:02

tell her it will also hurt a lot afterwards especially when going to the loo for the first time

MarthaLovesMatthew · 28/11/2010 19:03

Oh, but yes. Definitely tell her it's worth it!

piprabbit · 28/11/2010 19:03

Tell her that no two labours are the same.
If she persists tell her about your labours, but keep it factual and try and keep your emotions out of it as far as possible (so talk about it being painful but avoid emotive language like 'hurt like hell').
Give her a small dose of information to start with, the tidy version. Tell her that you are happy to talk again if she would like.
If she comes back, gradually give her more details.

Don't use the fact that she has asked you to give her the full, unedited version and don't use her interest as a chance to debrief your experiences.

DilysPrice · 28/11/2010 19:08

I'd want to be warned about possible timescales - I went to two sets of antenatal classes and though they both highlighted that You Must Not Go In Too Early, they didn't really talk realistic average
timescales.
Now obviously these vary radically, but I think there's nothing more depressing than going in with a view that you'll be out by teatime and then gradually realising that you're going to be there all night and still not 10cm. I think women need to be prepared for the possibility of a longer labour - not in a horror story "my bf's MIL's aunt had a 72 hour labour!!!!" sort of way, but in a straightforward, "it can take a very long time, pace yourself emotionally and do x,y,z to help things along" sort of way.

JamieLeeCurtis · 28/11/2010 19:10

DON'T tell her "it's like being disembowelled"

I had this phrase running round and round my head when in labour with DS2. (Somewhat true, but not helpful ...)

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/11/2010 19:13

It's like having a really big poo.
In fact shortly before I gave birth to DS, I said to DH "I fell like I'm about to do a really big poo!!!!"

Oh and when he came out it was like someone threw a switch - "Bang! And the pain was gone!"

NanBullen · 28/11/2010 19:24

I'm with Hassledge on this one. I wasn't told honestly how bad it is (and yes i asked for an epidural but i also didn't realise that you don't always get one!) and really panicked whilst in labour because i thought i must be doing something wrong.

After having ds then people decided to be honest and admit its pretty horrendous. Errr, not much use telling me now!

And yes, i'm 31 weeks pregnant but only because i'm determined to get a c section this time (currently fighting for this). I cannot imagine going through that much pain again. See, not everyone forgets!

ShanahansRevenge · 28/11/2010 19:29

I just say "It hurt me a lot...but some women find it is easy to cope with."

Which is better than "I was traumatized and passed out with the pain... and DH fainted at the sight of my vagina which looked to be inside out"

nickytwotimes · 28/11/2010 19:31

tell her the truth

lovechoc · 28/11/2010 19:35

I wanted to know all the good and the bad before I had children and I'm glad I got told how bad things can get - because it can happen to any woman!

Best to realistic and let your friend know it can swing either way, IMO.

Mishy1234 · 28/11/2010 19:38

I would tell her the truth tbh.

The most useful thing I learnt re: the pain, was that there is a gradual build up and you do get breaks between contractions (usually!). The most shocking part for me was the transition. I just felt so out of control. I knew that this part of labour existed, but hadn't expected it to be so...insane (sorry, that's the only way I can describe it).

Also, all labours are completely different and imo the best advice to pass on is to plan for the best case scenario, but to be aware of your choices re: pain relief and the various scenarios you might face. Talk to your birthing partner about the 'what ifs' and how you would like things handled. Be open minded on the day(s).

saffy85 · 28/11/2010 19:44

My SIL is still umming and ahhing about if and when she should have babies (most of her friends are same age as her and have aleast one). She has asked me and I told her honestly that the pain was worse than I had expected, that they don't call it labour for nothing as it's the hardest you'll ever work in your life, that the minute I felt DD's skin against mine it was worth it and ofcourse that as I'm gonna be doing it all again with DC2 in 6 months time it wasn't that bad at all. Smile

I also pointed her in the direction of her own aunt who's done it 8 times, never used anything more than gas and air apparently and has never had a labour which lasted longer than 5 hours, start to finish Smile Basically everyone is different!

ChocolateMoose · 28/11/2010 19:53

I'm not sure "it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine" is helpful. That's the sort of thing that kept me lying awake at night. "It hurts a lot." is realistic but less frightening. What scared me most was the fear of panicking, being frightened as well as in pain. And in the end I wasn't - it was horrible, but not frightening. This book was really helpful. Emphasize that she can have an epidural if she needs it, and it's helpful to know beforehand when you can have an epidural and when you can't. That it is possible to be 'in control' but if you lose it, the midwives have seen it all before and will help you cope.

tomhardyismydh · 28/11/2010 20:12

well iv had one child and one tooth extracted and i would do labour any day over having a tooth out. that hurt 100 times more and took longer to heal in my experience.

perfumedlife · 28/11/2010 20:22

Hassledge I was the same! Was angry too that no one had tried to tell me the reality of how bad the pain could be. Was also convinced I was the only woman in the world it went wrong with, that ds was going to come out my bottom Shock

Some women get all the pain in the back/bum and some the front/vagina area. Some get not much pain atall.

Better prepared for the worst and then happy it is not so bad.

You really do forget though, if you didn't we would all deliver by C. Section and fast asleep to boot.Grin

perfumedlife · 28/11/2010 20:24

Blush and birth plans? Ha.

I started off at home, till 7cm. Birthing pool 'till 9cm then gas, pethidine, epidural and forceps.

Portofino · 28/11/2010 20:30

My dsis gave birth to 3 strapping boys with only gas and air. Her advice to me was, "yes it is painful but it is only one day of your life. You will get through it". And hey, she did it and went back to do it twice more.

maktaitai · 28/11/2010 20:37

I think tbh that there is a stage of pregnancy where the fear is just going to happen. I would just say 'not a lot of point as all labours are different, it was really painful but I survived and I did it twice' and ask her what she is most worried about.

The worst approach is I think to say it's wonderful, it's orgasmic, it's like a flower opening and THEN to change your tune once she is 'in the club' (thanks Mum Hmm). The second worst is to dwell on the horrific aspects to her.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 28/11/2010 20:48

'Tell her the truth'

All labours are different. That is the truth. Some hurt like hell, some are a breeze.

My dd was tiny and I had all the drugs going as she was back to back. Drugs are there for a reason no shame in asking for them.

Only was warned about the 'aftermath lasting 6 weeks' by a colleague the week before I went on mat leave. That was useful to know, so was prepared for that.

DilysPrice · 28/11/2010 21:00

maktaitai, the only advice worse than "it's wonderful, it's orgasmic" is "if you've done your exercises right and have a positive frame of mind it's wonderful and orgasmic" - subtext "if you have a horrible time you have Failed and it is your fault for being lazy and morally feeble".

maktaitai · 28/11/2010 21:04

so true dilys.

cupcakebakerer · 28/11/2010 21:10

Oh dear...I'm not sure I should have read this thread. I was getting quite excited by the challenge...am I going to want to die?