competetive mums

[loopylo]

It is that time in life when everone of our friends is having babies (7 this year). We have a 6 week old but one of the mums is really winding me up. She has read every book, has a view on everything to do with babies and is very happy to tell everyone why she wont be doing things the same way as you and why what you are doing is wrong. Her baby is now 'sleeping through the night' and she keeps banging on about it and how good their routine is. Whereas my baby, who is younger, is not. She makes me feel like a bad mother. Am I being oversensative, I would never tell people what to do or tell them they are doing something wrong - its their child and therefore up to them how they do this scary parenting thing. Rant over. I feel better already.

I had a small antenatal group of 4 with DS1.

1 of the mums was lovely, but one was deranged and the other one was a competitive mum from hell.

I remember she phoned one day to tell me how large her sons feet had been measureed, and she was seriously put out that my DS1 had slightly larger feet.

The best moment was when we were all sat in her house and her DS rolled over. She made us all watch this amazing feat whilst videoing it. She then made us all watch the video she had just taken .

I ditched this group shortly after!

YABU

only in that you should absolutely NOT feel like a bad mother because of things like this.

Most of seeming to do "this scary parenting thing" well at the start is down to pure dumb luck - some babies sleep really easily, others are a dream to feed, some like my DD2 are a big fat bundle of easy peasy to look after. If she'd been my first I really would have got a shock second time around.

The other thing that comes down to luck is whether or not your friends are parenting assholes. Most other people going through what you are (and most of us find it super hard with number 1) are not competitive - we meet up and share battle stories, tips, admissions, pat each other on the back for keeping on going, and laugh at the funny things our children do.

Also a vanishingly small number of babies sleep through at 6 weeks. Having a baby that sleeps well at night is not a sign of being a good parent, it's a sign of being a lucky parent.

Try to enjoy it all as much as you can. It is scary, but that's all part of the fun. The people reading all the books and telling everyone else what to do are probably the most scared of all.

hmm. i think keeping friends is hard enough without parenting.

there are people that object to competetive one down manship.

there are eople that object to boasting.

sit in a room with one of each type then just try and find somthing to say.

the conversation then goes like this..

'Oh DD's speech is much better now she's at Nursery!!' (then realising this is smug, so corrects..
'though i do have conerns about her behaviour...' (then realising in fact she's ok for a toddler)
'we have stacks of her art work...'
'it's such a pain as i have to surreptitiously throw it away...'
ping-ponging back and forth between positive and negative unsure where to pitch your conversation.

After a bit of this, you feel so uncomfortable you decide to shut up and drink your tea instead, wondering if woman A thinks you are smug, and if woman B thinks you are too hard on your kids, or most likely, if both of them think you are deranged.

I think the social side of my life woud be vastly better if i never had children. It's like being at work all the time - when you try to mix with other mums with DCs in tow.

Apparently I said something really horrible to another mother when DS1 was new - something implying that my baby was much more intelligent than hers - hazy memory, I think I really did say it but absolutely did not mean it like that (my brain totally goes AWOL at times, especially postnatal times) and unfortunately never saw her again so I didn't get a chance to apologise. Please, for my sake, forgive someone who does this to you once or twice as she may have left her brain on Planet Sleepless, but if she keeps doing it you know she's being either stupid or offensive.

Of my 4, only DS2 slept for 6 hours at 6 weeks. DS4 didn't sleep all night for 6 years (didn't even nap in the daytime, it's a wonder he grew at all). On the other hand DS4 was almost totally dry at night from birth onwards, whilst DS3 would still have been in nappies at 10 if I could find any big enough. DS would eat and drink anything we put in front of him whether it was supposed to be his or not, but DS4 was dead fussy and indeed, as a teenager, still is.

The important thing is that they've all grown up to be superb young men, which is more than can be said for the offspring of some helpful relatives who were always full of advice and comparisons. Some of them didn't even have children. One single only child of my acquaintance was full of excellent tips on getting DS4 to sleep. I thanked him most politely for the benefit of his superior experience in the matter.

"DS1 would eat and drink anything" etc, sorry.

"'Oh DD's speech is much better now she's at Nursery!!' (then realising this is smug, so corrects..)"

What's smug about that?

I'm super excited that DD1 has started drawing people with arms and legs - I share that with my parent friends and expect them to care. And they do. Just as I think it's amazing when their child grows teeth, or rolls over or starts walking (or some other entirely unsurprising development).

IME the main thing is to be interested in other people's children as well as your own (so the same lesson as being interested in other people and not just in yourself). Also, you are allowed to boast about your friends' children or nieces and nephews, plus you love them in a much more straightforward way - you just get the cute bits, so it's easier.

I had a friedn like this wehn my dd was a baby. I still have her as a friend - she is lovely - but she is STILL a competative mummy - nd out dds are noe nearly 15!

The girls are at the same school, and I amuse myself watching her turning herself into knots trying to get me to tell her what levels dd gets on her reports, or what she gor for a music exam. She just can't help herself. She's lovely the reat of the time. Sometimes I take pity on her and leave dd's report casually on the table while I go to the loo or something.

I find that the people who feel the greatest need to run a commentary and/or advertsing brochure about how perfect their life/children are rarely have a life worth listening to and generally should be ingored for the self centred bores that they are.

it's smug when the people you are talking too can't wait for their kids to go to Nursery, but still have another year to go.

Now if someone had offered to 'settle' my superniggly Reflux baby I would of gone "ooh yes" and made sure I disappeared for at leats 10 minutes

Actually the nurses did this when I was in hospital with DS when he was 4 months old. They sais they would take him at 3am so I could sleep. They got fed up after 20 minutes and he was pushed back in a puschair beside me.... still I did get a whole 20 mins sleep

Is it?

You mean if they'd like their children to go to nursery but they can't afford it?

Hmm, yes, I can see that it might be in a situation like that. But not if it was just that their child was younger than yours.

If someone told me their child's speech had improved I'd think that maybe they had been worried about it before, so I'd be happy for them that it had got better.

you see possibly spidookly that was me over thinking the situation, but it mae me very nervous and confused. I think being hyper-aware of the possible reaction to what you are saying is not a good thing. being insensitive is also bad...

confident people find the balance.

less confident people (or poss this is just me) find this hard...

Yes, I can see what you mean.

It seems a shame to miss out on sharing so much with the only other people who will indulge your neuroses and tell you your children are brilliant for managing the utterly mundane.

Honestly, most of us want your child's speech to improve at nursery, are happy for you to moan if you haven't slept for weeks, are dying to hear funny stories about your children so we know that ours are no more bonkers than anyone else's.

"ping-ponging back and forth between positive and negative unsure where to pitch your conversation"

pitch it at assuming that most of us are decent humans doing our best and mostly a little at sea with the whole thing.

Also, some people really, genuinely, are great at this whole parenting lark - not the ones with babies that sleep through, but the ones that you watch and think "wow". I think it's OK to see someone who's doing a great job and admire them, and copy some of their techniques, without it meaning that you are a shit parent.

I hope you can be OK with other people thinking you are deranged and stop over-thinking these interactions. Being proud of your children is not being smug, being frustrated with them is not a sign of weakness. Most of us are making it up as we go along. And the ones who aren't are super, super nice and always willing to help.

I had a friend like that who thought she was the perfect mother. Her two little girls seemed very bright and were always well behaved and I developed quite a complex about it.
Then she had a boy...

Well,fb tells me that supermum to be had first baby in pool, 5 hr labour no pain relief. Of course!

Lucky her, that sounds great.

As the veteran of 2CSs I really do feel a twinge of envy for women lucky enough to labour easily. It must be amazing to deliver a baby with minimal intervention.

I am definately a baby bore but I have had every sleep problem and BF problem going. I was told by loads of mums DD should be FF then will sleep through, (at 6 months old no it didnt) and again start solids that will make her sleep. (Again no it didnt)

My DD is 9 months and have had to resort to CC which has made a huge diff. One mum I know with a 3 month old found my predicament amusing as her DD already sleeps through. I said that may change and she said no she is sooo good.

Until last week, she moaned that her DD was awake at 3am for 2 hours and was absolutely shattered and was almost cross with it. After 1 sleep deprived night..pah

I felt smug that day as DD had slept through till 6am.

spi well- presumption of good will is always useful.

Absolutely, I freely admit that my twinge is jealousy, nothing more. There was nothing I could have done to have changed how my labour ended, but I just know how smug she will be about it!

And another thing...SIL has a 4 yr old and twin boys who have slept from 7pm till 7am. She makes me feel like I am doing it all wrong. Because of her comment of saying WTF are you feeding every 3 hrs at 5 months..I tried to go 4 hrly and DD didnt gain weight because of this my severe anxiety fucked up my let down reflex and I was forced to FF.

To add to my 49 hr labour, blood transfusion, broken coccyx,bleeding nipples due to incorrect latch and my stitches coming undone and two infections. I paid for a lactation consultant to get latch righ and milk supply back. And I blame her being super bloody mum and my anxiety and not knowing any better. If there is a next time, I will completely ignore these uber fucking mums..........

Ninky when I read about Lauren Laverne's music choices for her most recent birth I had some very uncharitable and sour thoughts

It was a passing thing, but still quite ashamed. Really I'm glad for her that it went so well and it's great that she publicised her choices as great encouragement for other women.

"There was nothing I could have done to have changed how my labour ended"

Wish I knew that. I think I will always wonder whether I could have brought about a better outcome by being more focused on it.

Prema

Always useful and usually rational :) You sound lovely, I'd hate to think the world of mothers was missing out on your contributions because of shyness.

SIL has a 4 yr old and twin boys who have slept from 7pm till 7am.

I have a friend whose DD3 has her driven demented as she will not sleep. Her DTs slept much earlier. She reckons she did something last time that worked because she HAD to, to keep going. WIth just one she can't seem to manage it.

Hope the breastfeeding consultant helped. I had a brilliant one help me with DD1. I'll never forget her.

Everyone lies about this stuff at the newborn stage!

Just lie back to them 'I feel great so well rested, dd is such a great sleeper. I am slimmer than ever, sprung back into my jeans in a couple of days. I'm just glowing!'

that sort of thing.

You will find the real gems of friends with whom you can have a honest moan, but for the others a good serum, Clarins beauty flash balm and a glowing smile are your friends!!