competetive mums

[loopylo]

It is that time in life when everone of our friends is having babies (7 this year). We have a 6 week old but one of the mums is really winding me up. She has read every book, has a view on everything to do with babies and is very happy to tell everyone why she wont be doing things the same way as you and why what you are doing is wrong. Her baby is now 'sleeping through the night' and she keeps banging on about it and how good their routine is. Whereas my baby, who is younger, is not. She makes me feel like a bad mother. Am I being oversensative, I would never tell people what to do or tell them they are doing something wrong - its their child and therefore up to them how they do this scary parenting thing. Rant over. I feel better already.

also depends how they are defining "sleeping through" - my personal unspoken definition when faced with Competitive Mum was at best midnight till 5, and at worst (and there were a LOT of worsts ) was 1-3 - I mean that it the middle of the night really .

If it's really bugging you, next time she relates something supposedly great her baby is doing, just look slightly alarmed/doubtful and say "Really? Doesn't that worry you a bit? I heard that if they sit up/crawl/pull up/whatever too early it can lead to...." Make it up. Be evil!

I think that pregnancy hormones, breastfeeding lack of sleep does weird things to people's brains. Some women never recover

Also parenting brings out the worst in people

ooooooo clam I do that. Cock my head to one side and say "See, that would worry me...." And REFUSE to elaborate.

Actually, something very spiteful I did once - I was with two friends who had much younger children than mine. One was very very boastful about her child's superior counting - he counts everything, counts in twos, fives etc. Other child, same age, can count to 10 with prompting. And I said "Oh Ds1 used to count everything obsessively too...."

They both know that ds1 has ASD ...

Now, I don't think this kid does have asd, but boasty mum needed shutting up!

One friend hasn't even had her baby yet (DD is 4 months) and this has already started...labour wars!! DD shifted halfway thru my perfect labour and I ended up with an epidural and very easy forceps delivery, was 10 days overdue.

She turned her nose up at this when she first met DD, she would never have epi, wouldn't be overdue etc. I feel bad enough about my labour as it is!

Annoyingly (yes,am a bitch!) she went into labour this morning (only 2 days late) and is in the birthing pool, no pain relief yet and is nearly there 8 hrs on. (Husband on FB on iPhone...would have been v hacked off had DH done this.) GRRRRR! She will be very smug at NY. Of course I would only wish for a great labour for her and anyone, but that doesn't stop the tiny prickle of jealousy.

Ignore ignore ignore. Find another mum who tells it like it is. One of my friends had a baby like mine - non sleeper, which was great as we didn't feel the need to pretend and could compare notes.

I do try not to come across competitive as it winds me up. DS crawled and walked fairly early and I wouldn't mention it unless asked (or he was demonstrating). However couldn't resist when meeting up with my antenatal group (who I don't see now) and they were comparing notes. They hadn't seen me in a while and pointedly asked how DS was after going on about theirs doing x/y/z. Ah I looked so smug when saying that he was already walking.

To be fair, the alpha mum had posses me right off, snaking the group with "tips" on how to get baby to self settle etc etc that I couldn't resist.

The alpha mum had pissed me right off. D'oh!

FFS I can't bloody spell. Snaking?!! I meant emailing

Many of the competitive mums I met had babies who 'slept through' (although turns out for one it was sleeping through with three feeds...) from 3 months then the 4 month sleep regression hit, then teth, colds and general baby randomness. Now (at 8/9 months) none of our NCT group babies sleep through regularly (especially mine) and the competitive mums have gone strangely quiet and have large under eye bags.

Iggly is right- put your fingers in your ears, la la la at them and do what works for you and your baby. Come on here for solidarity and a good moan, and then enjoy the shadenfreude when their babies suddenly start waking and yours cries less or does something amazing early when theirs are late to do it. But crucially, keep it to yourself so you don't become one of them!

Oh and my friend who had twins confirms my view that babies sleep is usually bugger all about parenting and mostly luck. Of her two, one has slept through from 2 months (although now waking..) and the other is a nightmare. She has done nothing different with them.

Me too samay I stayed well clear of baby groups and classes. Went once and was horrified at the manic competitiveness between mothers.

Horrible. Boring and horrible.

My ds rarely slept, colic was murder. House was being renovated, big crazy period. I was ill too. So we took ourselves out, just blew about where the wind took us and had some wonderful times. We even took day trips to Paris and Belgium, for a penny!

Our bond is super strong because of it too.

Oh Loopylo, ignore her. She knows no better than anyone else.

There was one like that in my postnatal group - luckily she moved away (into a ginormous 5 bedroom house where she'd "get lost hahahah" of course). Her DS was sleeping through, such an angel etc. etc.

He never displayed any angelic tendancies when I saw him, I have to say - seemed exactly like a normal baby to me.

I'd say something pointed to this woman about how you'd never judge another person's parenting as what is right for some is not for others.

I thought I would NEVER do CC - but after 9 months of co-sleeping and being woken hourly or more, then moving him into his own room but going in however many times a night for feeding/resettling I realised how badly the lack of sleep was impacting on my daytime parenting and decided it was the lesser of two evils. I still feel unhappy for having to go down that route though.

Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara Sun 28-Nov-10 09:28:46
Ladylobster, the uber-mum offering to try to settle your baby for you would really wind me up no end. I hate it when people try to interfere like that. I hope you told her a firm "No

I am so glad you said that, the bloody HV did it to me and DH said i was being oversensitive.

Agree mamatomany. Imagine how much worse we would feel if the uber mum did manage to calm our baby too!

She would never stop gloating! Oh, the horror.

No dont stop thesecondcoming. That is nice and usually appreciated very much. My hands used to get so sweaty holding ds that i wanted to go and wash them and hand him over for a few mins.

Just the gloaty supermums, they know who they are

I think if it's said as would you like my to hold the baby whilst you have a slurp of your coffee, open your juice have a pee etc then it's fine, when the implication is I can calm your baby when you cannot it's a bit shit.

thesecondcoming - I think it is a nice thing to do, especially as sometimes the stressed mother is not helping the baby relax.

However, it's not a nice thing to make the mother feel it is something "she" is doing wrong that makes the baby like this.

I love the idea of going where the wind blows, including day trips to Belgium. I wish I could have been that relaxed with dd1. She was one of those colicy, refluxy, alert, not-sleeping-through babies. It was tough.

But when it came to eating, she was the one who sat at the table and ate everything nicely without complaint, whilst my friends were battling.

What goes around comes around. No-one has a perfect baby. And if they do - they are lying.

If I were you I would learn to get used to it as you will encounter this type of mum throughout your life with children. Whatever your child does or doesnt do there will always be another mum whose child does or doesn't do times ten. It is tedious in the extreme and I've found it got considerably worse when my ds started school. There are other mums I actively avoid for fear of giving them a slap.

People only ever go on and on about something when they are horribly insecure about it. If someone keeps commenting on something, be it your weight, your parenting, your house, whatever, you can be sure they have huge doubts and worries about that in their own lives. So, if someone constantly compares and comments just reassure yourself that she actually doesn't feel superior, in fact she is trying to comfort herself either by putting you down or by gaining feedback from you.

My baby isn't born yet, but I've experienced this in other ways. The only two people who have commented about my pregnancy size are the two people at work who are absolutely obsessed with weight and dieting. It annoyed me at first but now I realise how sad they are and it just washes over me. If you can take that attitude too it might help. A few well-placed comments might do the trick too, although I would feel bad about that because I know these two are so sensitive about weight that if I did make any comment it might really really bother them, and I don't think it's worth it.

Here is a little anecdote for you OP - when I was 3 weeks old, apparently I started sleeping through the night. My Mum was secretly well pleased with herself and thought it was clearly all down to her superior parenting. Then 2.5 years later my sister came along and proved her wrong!

Some babies sleep better than others, some feed better, some are much much lower maintenance than others - hopefully this irritating woman's perfect baby will become a hideous toddler and blow her smuggery out of the water!

Honestly, just avoid/ignore her, you aren't gaining anything from being 'friends' with her and her head is so far up her posterior she probably won't even notice!

Congratulations on your baby, who is perfect and is doing exactly what most 6 week old babies do :)

I have found the opposite to MollieO - smugness tends to dissipate as the DC age - maybe I have just found ways to avoid it.

The only smug mothers I find now are the two mother I know who have just, in last year or so, adopted DC the same age as my DC. They both seem to have read 'the' book and are very free with unasked for advice and very judgey of my parenting - which is bloody irritating. Apart from that nice people and excellent mothers. I assumed they were still learning the parenting ropes and the smugness would slowly disappear - perhaps I should run for the hills .

loopylo - what every who do or DC is doing someone will have an opinion on it. Even if they have never even seen a DC is the last 50 years. Learn to Smile and nod - and ignore.

Sorry can't type

loopylo - what every you do