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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What will I say to DH?

94 replies

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:18

Aaaaaaaagh!

Bloody DH. He went out last night at 6.30pm to DJ at a pub. The pub closes at 1am. I woke at 5am to find he stil was not home, phoned him and got answerphone. I panicked as is soooo cold out and when he goes out for a drink he drinks until he has no memory of where he has been and can hardly walk.

So I phoned police and hospital to see if he was there (was shaking and in tears). No sucess so phoned him again and he said he was on his way.

I'm taking DS to see a show at 1pm and he was gona take DD (20mo) swimming at the same time.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him to take her as he might still have the alcohol in his system? Or will he be OK by then? He will probably only wake up at 11.30am.

BTW this is not overly unusual, he always drinks to excess when out and is never home before 4am. The next day he is always v tired.

I just want to scream, he knew what our plans were today!

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 28/11/2010 07:22

If he does this more than very, very occasionally then you have every right to be angry and concerned.

Why should you have to take over his family responsibilities because he is out getting himself into a disgusting state?

Is this DJing his paid job?

needafootmassage · 28/11/2010 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 07:25

You should try telling your husband he has an alcohol problem. I like a drink, I will be honest and say I drink more than the NHS guidelines would like me to, but the idea of a parent of a young child who knows they are supposed to be caring for that child one on one the next day going on regular benders which render them so that they can hardly walk and have no memory is appalling.

Why do you allow this to happen?

Have you read about Zoe Ball and Norman Cook? He used to drink to excess and rationalised that it was part of the whole DJing culture. It wasn't. He was an alcoholic.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 28/11/2010 07:26

I don't think you sound ready to hear what people will about your situation. In answer to your question, no I wouldn't let anyone take my 20mth old swimming when they have a hangover and are very tired, or drive as he will still be over the limit. What if he got pulled by the police whilst your daughter was in the car or worse had an accident? His behaviour is disgusting especially if he knows he is needed for childcare the next day. You seem to be very accepting of this behaviour.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 28/11/2010 07:27

Original poster

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:27

No he does it for free as he loves it.
He gets in this state once or twice a month :-(

I have tried telling him that I wouldn't mind him going out often but I do mind that he gets in such a state. He just says I should know by now thats what he does so he thinks I'm BU for phoning hosp etc (yes have done this more than once)

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 28/11/2010 07:31

He does this every other week? Yes, he has a drinking problem and you have a relationship problem. Sorry.

I would say that you need to tell him that his pub dj-ing days are over until such time as he can conduct himself like a father and and adult.....but I bet he carries on regardless.

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 07:32

He just says I should know by now thats what he does

Are you serious?

I never cease to be amazed by the doormatty behaviour of so many women on this site.

Original poster

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:34

He doesn't drive so thats not an issue. Re the drink problem comment, he only drinks when he does this so only every couple weeks. The problem is if he is having 1 beer he has to have loads.

I have thought in the past that this could split us up but i love him so much, he's not a bad person, just a stupid one.

He also works v hard, is away 6.30am to 8pm every weekday as commutes, so I think maybe i am being unreasonable getting angry as thats the only time he see's friends?

OP posts:

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 07:37

Love, he drinks so much he can't remember where he has been and doesn't come home until 4am. He is then utterly useless to you the next day in dealing with two young children. That's not relaxing with his friends, that's completely out of order.

I work bloody hard all day and so do you, I expect. I don't go on a fortnightly bender which leads my husband to phone the police and hospital for fear of what has happened to me. Do you? No.

You are in denial and he is an alcoholic.

overmydeadbody · 28/11/2010 07:38

YANBU

I would not let me 20 month old go swimming with him.

I agree with others, if he does this every other week then he has a problem and your relationship is suffering as a result.

If he does it so often why did you call the hospital and police? Do you think maybe there's a part of you that is in denial and didn't want to accept that the simplest explanation (that he was out getting srunk) was the most likely?

Where does he go that is open so late? Is it with a group of friends or on his own?

Original poster

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:39

Yes he has actually said that I should expect this. I had asked him how he would like it if I did the same, he said that I didn't so is not an issue. Just so frustrated.

To be fair it is probably just once a month (not that i'm excusing it)

The thing wi the djing is that he does it in my dad's pub to get the customers in. He has only been djing there the last couple months.

Think we need a long talk :-(

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 28/11/2010 07:40

ANd if he is drinking himself into oblivion he is obviously not a happy man.

I tihnk you two need to have a long chat, without any accusations or shouting or getting cross, but jusat a long chat.

Goblinchild · 28/11/2010 07:41

You do need to talk.
20 month old and swimming with a hangover? Forget the possibility of a car accident, what about all that water and the need to concentrate?
Will he be sober enough to look after her at home whilst you go to the show?
If not, what about a relative?

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 07:42

His Djing helps get your dad's punters in. He could sip OJ and they would still come. He doesn't need to drink to DJ.

You need support whether he will accept his problem or not. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Original poster

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:44

I think he goes back to folks houses.

Thanks for the replies, I have phoned hospital twice in the past when been out til 6am and not answering phone. Think i'm finding excuses to be honest.

Is he really an alcoholic if he does it once a month? He doesnt drink at all during the week or most weekends.

He won't listen to me, i'm wondering if I could talk to his dad and see if he could have a word?

OP posts:

altinkum · 28/11/2010 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProvincialLady · 28/11/2010 07:53

If having one drink means that he has to get wasted, then he has a problem.

Drinking so much that you don't know where you are and what you're doing, when you have people at home worrying about you, also shows that you have a problem. I'm sure most of us have been that drunk once or twice, before we had children, but it's not a state most people enjoy or want to repeat. Certainly not twice a month. Why does your husband want/need to do that?

Original poster

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:54

Thanks, i'm gona tell him not to take her swimming. She will probably be sleeping when we are away. Have no.one else to watch her.

He gets mad with me cause i never want him to go out (i can be selfish) but I genuinly think that if i knew he would be home at 1am then i would be very happy for him to go!

I also have back problems and am on several v strong painkillers and still in pain so could really do without this!

Should i wait until the kids are asleep tonight to confront him?

OP posts:

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 07:55

It isn't nonsense at all. He has a dependency. He seems to be incapable of following one set of behaviour (going to the pub to DJ) without drinking to massive excess. In any case whether or not he fits the medical definition (which varies depending on who you ask) is irrelevant. His drinking is having a profound effect on the OP and his family and it is not on.

Original poster

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:56

I don't know why he does it :-( has been doing it for years. I'm worried know he isn't happy at home.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 28/11/2010 07:56

If he can't drink alcohol without it causing him a problem (and you've already said that twice), then yes of course he's an alcoholic. It wouldn't matter whether it was just once a year. Alcohol is a problem for him, and by extension for you. He treats you with such utter disrespect and contempt and similarly your children. Do you really think this man is a good father? Will you be proud to tell your children when they are adults that he used to go out and drink to the point of unconciousness and that you were happy to accept that? No? Then you need to get your thoughts together over the next little while and think about where your live is going with this no-hoper. Because right nowthat'd be nowhere. And you need to decide what to do about it.

And no, having a word with his dad won't help.

TheProvincialLady · 28/11/2010 07:57

It's best to wait until he is properly sober and you can talk about it calmly, yes.

Just because he can't take your DD swimming doesn't mean he can't vacuum/clean the bathroom etc BTW....don't give him the day to wallow in his hangover.

JingleBelleDameSansMincepie · 28/11/2010 08:00

I don't think he sounds like an alcoholic from this thread (my dad is one but that doesn't make me an expert, obviously) but, as altinkum said, he is binge drinking and the impact of that is still that he is not pulling his weight at home.

His behaviour is irresponsible and selfish. If he can't see that he's doing anything wrong, I think you have a very serious issue to deal with. He's not treating you with any respect or consideration. It's not fair and this kind of thing leads to long term, simmering resentment and anger that will eat away at your relationship.

altinkum · 28/11/2010 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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