What will I say to DH?

[Loosingmymind]

Aaaaaaaagh!

Bloody DH. He went out last night at 6.30pm to DJ at a pub. The pub closes at 1am. I woke at 5am to find he stil was not home, phoned him and got answerphone. I panicked as is soooo cold out and when he goes out for a drink he drinks until he has no memory of where he has been and can hardly walk.

So I phoned police and hospital to see if he was there (was shaking and in tears). No sucess so phoned him again and he said he was on his way.

I'm taking DS to see a show at 1pm and he was gona take DD (20mo) swimming at the same time.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him to take her as he might still have the alcohol in his system? Or will he be OK by then? He will probably only wake up at 11.30am.

BTW this is not overly unusual, he always drinks to excess when out and is never home before 4am. The next day he is always v tired.

I just want to scream, he knew what our plans were today!

He would not be fit to drive if he got stopped he would get knicked.

I bet you don;t mind the money he earns from the job. Surely it is obvious he is going to drink whilst there. History should tell you what he does so don't make plans for the day after.

I don't know whether he's an alcoholic, and neither does anyone on this thread with the exception (possibly) of the OP.

But his drinking is making you very unhappy. If (once you have made this very clear in a calm and rational way) he chooses to keep drinking in this way over you, his partner's happiness and over his role as a father then I would say that's a choice that makes it very likely he's an alcoholic.

And if he starts ranting and raving about how much he deserves it, that would convince me all the more.

classydiva I imagine any money he makes from the dj'ing will be long spent on getting himself roaring drunk till five in the morning.

Wouldn't he better off spending that on driving lessons so he shortens his commute and sees more of his family?

Classydiva, we had these plans made months before the date was given for last night...

Am going to Dr thursday morn, at work mon-wed, and will tell him everything.

Have talked to dh this morning, feeling much better.

Thanks for all your replies :-)

ah, but he doesn't get any money from this. He does it for free, presumably because he likes to see everyone have a good time.....

good luck again, loosingmymind.

Oh and he does not earn a huge wage, he also does not get paid for djing.

And if he learned to drive he would only shorted his journey by half an hour and we cant afford to run another car.

Thanks Craig, have had a talk this morning with him. We both ended up in tears. Wil see what happens next time...

It seems to me like you are both defending and attacking him...I think you need to be more clear in your own mind before you talk to him.

He's 28, which is still quite young . He doesn't go out 'with the lads' every week as lots of guys that age would do - but that's how it is when you have a family...

I could accept him doing this once a month and plan around it. He might not feel so nagged and trapped and really - one Sunday morning a month, sleeping late and feeling shit isn't that bad is it?

However, it would come with some 'conditions' - that you get one Sunday morning a month in bed - breakfast brought to you, whatever you want. He stays home with the kids when you go out with your friends (even if it's just a meal, movies etc) and it's OK if he has a couple of drinks if he's DJ'ing other nights but he comes home when the pub shuts and he is not more than a little tipsy.

Explain to him that this is what you can live with without being a nag, so it's in both your best interests

(Then see how it goes - if he does seem truely unable to have a couple of pints and not get completely rat arsed then yes, he does have a problem with alcohol. It may just be a case of him still needing to 'grow up' and get past the stage of partying with friends all the time but he has kids/you - he needs to grow up).

If he cant afford to run a car but can afford train fairs, are they not just as expensive as each other? And surely he must spend a fair bit on booze staying out all night, no? Is that family money or just his?

x-posted.

Did he seem to understand the problem?

What has he agreed to do?

My husband used to do this and I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and would be scared and he was having an affair

I hope your talk today makes a difference, no more to add to the wise advice from mumsnetters.

He gets a discount on trainfairs due to who he works for so would cost alot more going via car.

It is his own money he spends and does get some pint tickets for doing the djing.

He hasnt agreed to do anything as such but knows exactly how it makes me feel so before he goes out next time i will mention it again.

Im not trying to attack him, this started as asking bout swimming!

I appreciate all the comments and concerns though.

Could you show him this thread?

I would have made him go swimming! There's nothing like a noisy swimming baths with a hangover :) and I'm sure that he's more than able to look after one toddler in a pool, no matter how hung over he is.

He actually wasnt that bad, did not have as much to drink as I though.

He did manage to go swimming.

Won't show him this thread as he would go in huff if he knew i had been talking bout him!

Only teenagers and alcoholics drink themselves into a state of oblivion.