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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What will I say to DH?

94 replies

Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 07:18

Aaaaaaaagh!

Bloody DH. He went out last night at 6.30pm to DJ at a pub. The pub closes at 1am. I woke at 5am to find he stil was not home, phoned him and got answerphone. I panicked as is soooo cold out and when he goes out for a drink he drinks until he has no memory of where he has been and can hardly walk.

So I phoned police and hospital to see if he was there (was shaking and in tears). No sucess so phoned him again and he said he was on his way.

I'm taking DS to see a show at 1pm and he was gona take DD (20mo) swimming at the same time.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him to take her as he might still have the alcohol in his system? Or will he be OK by then? He will probably only wake up at 11.30am.

BTW this is not overly unusual, he always drinks to excess when out and is never home before 4am. The next day he is always v tired.

I just want to scream, he knew what our plans were today!

OP posts:
AngryBeaver · 28/11/2010 08:01

yeah,he's not an alcoholic,don't talk nonsense.he is a binge drinker...and a knob

Original poster
Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 08:04

I do think he is a good dad. He wìll do no housework today.

I don't know what i'm going to do now.

I think he thinks it is acceptable as his friends to it too. I can't get him to see past this.

Wil have a huge talk later and will tell him exactly what goes through my mind x

OP posts:
Georgimama · 28/11/2010 08:04

I don't understand what you think you are contributing to this thread, tbh. The OP's husband has a serious, really serious drink problem. Congratulations on your alleged expertise, but you aren't helping the OP one jot. In fact you're backing up her husband's view point that his behaviour is in control and therefore not a problem. It's not under control and it is a problem. The frequency is irrelevant.

malovitt · 28/11/2010 08:05

So he is out of the house working for nearly fourteen hours per weekday and he can't go out once a month to see his friends and have a few too many? That doesn't sound too unreasonable to me.

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 08:06

He's not a good father if he behaves like this, but if it is "normal" within your social circle then you have an uphill struggle. I feel very sorry for you but more so for your children.

KristinaM · 28/11/2010 08:08

I'm not sure if labels are helpful in this case

as other have said, he cant control his drinking, its causing problems for his family and putting him at risk. he has a drink problem - call it what you like

altinkum · 28/11/2010 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 08:15

Scatter your hmm faces about all you like, you're giving the OP false reassurance. He's not an alcoholic (according to you) so that's OK. It isn't OK, and I bet if the OP talked to Al-anon they would say the whole family needs help.

This isn't her dad's problem. The OP has been DJing for a few months and drinking excessively for years. Expecting other people to police him is hardly the answer.

altinkum · 28/11/2010 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 08:21

Thats just it, if he came home when the pub closed he would be drunk but not legless, the problem is when he goes to the ones that open til 3am then onto parties. Its so hard cause this is his only flaw (albeit a very big one)

I def do think he has a problem with binge drinking, I just don't know what I can do to open his eyes.

OP posts:
altinkum · 28/11/2010 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pink4ever · 28/11/2010 08:23

This sounds a bit like my dh.Doesnt drink at all during the week but at the weekend binge drinks a huge amount. Also when he goes out(not that often) cant have one or two drink,has to have loads.He doesnt lose control in the way you describe but can become aggressive(to other people not to me).
I believe my dh is an alcoholic because he doesnt have a controlled attitude to alcohol but he wont seek help as doesnt believe he has a problem(even though his drinking actually led to him losing his previous job and nearly losing his current one).
Tbh if my dh was out djing and not coming home til that time(plus not answering phone) then I would also be concerned about what company he was keeping(female?).
Sorry cant offer any good advice but you do have my sympathy.

altinkum · 28/11/2010 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlartyBartFast · 28/11/2010 08:29

does your 20 month old know she is meant to be going swimming?

labels aside, he will presumably suffer from a hangover, and hopefully will hate himself.
ask him to tone it down next time, otherwise there wont be a next time when you have a young family depending on h im

Original poster
Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 08:37

No DD doesnt know about the swimming. Yes he will have a hangover.

I don't want to loose him and say that if he does it again I'm gone. Before he went out i said pub shuts at 1 so presume you will be home before 2? He just laughed, i told him what i though and that it was immature etc but he got quite pissed off. I think the more i go on about it, the longer he stays out.

When i talk to him later i know i will end up crying and hopefully he will see how upset it makes me.

Diary is a brilliant idea thanks.

OP posts:
QOD · 28/11/2010 08:37

where does he actually drink? If hje is dj'ing in your dads pub do they do a lockdown? Does he go on to a club?

altinkum · 28/11/2010 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/11/2010 08:47

If he works those hours during the week, presumeably he doesn't get to see much of his children during the week?

I therefore fail to see how getting so legless that you can't be bothered/trusted to spend time with your own children at the weekend makes you a good Dad.

He is not a good Dad, and he is not a good husband. He loves the booze more than he loves the rest of you at the moment, that is what you need to grasp.

Forget what label you give it, he has an alcohol problem.

SlartyBartFast · 28/11/2010 08:48

and i wanted to add, he is behaving selfishly, one weekend a month or whenever.

badfairy · 28/11/2010 08:49

My Dh probably does this about 4 times a year and 2 of those will be in the next 2 weeks - but I always know it's going to happen in advance and if it's work related it's usually in London so he stays in a hotel. If he did it a few more times than this I wouldn't be that bothered but I wouldn't be happy about it being a frequent occurence. Do you think he has a drink problem?

Rindercella · 28/11/2010 08:54

Alibaba, you said exactly what I was thinking. How can this man be a good father if he is spending so much of his precious spare time drunk/hungover?

Unfortunately, from what the OP has said, this man is not willing to change his behaviour - he seems to feel it is perfectly reasonable. And the OP seems prepared to endure it because she loves him and doesn't want to lose him.

He's an abusive cunt.

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 08:59

Apart from the aggression pink4eva's husband sounds exactly the same as the OP's.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/11/2010 09:03

Have just discussed this with DH. He has been through AA (and has not drunk for a couple of years now. He suggest that by AA definitions your husband is an alcoholic. The fact he does not drink every day etc etc are just misconceptions many people used to justify their drinking. When he drinks he does so to excess therefore HE CAN NOT CONTROL HIS DRINKING. AA desrcibe it as a spectrum which includes alkl types of prolems with alchol from a couple of glassesof wine a night to "unwind" to the park bench behavhiours, including people like your (not so d)H who once they start can not stop until they reach oblivion.

Until he admits that he has a problem with alchol There is very little you can do to change him you can however change things for you so you are not enabling him, I second the suggestion to speak to Al anon. He would greatly benefit from something like AA but he needs to accept he has a problem first (NB DH didn't 'get' all the religious aspects of AA and doesn't go anymore however it did help him identify his problem).

Original poster
Loosingmymind · 28/11/2010 09:03

My dads pub doesnt have a lockdown. When pub shuts he moves on to one open later then a house.

He sees DC 1 week night a when we pick him up from station then its just the weekend.

I do think he is a good dad. 1 sunday off from then a month isn't that bad is it? He's not a good role model but thankfully as they are still young they are oblivious.

What bothers me is that he will get into trouble when out, get hurt and the fact that i can't sleep from worrying. If he did this every week i do not think i would be with him.

TBH it's affecting me more at the moment as I'm in so much pain and DS having behaviour problems so everything is building up and up and i'm worried. I have smacked DS a couple time in the last month, shouted alot and cried. Last night i even tried to hurt myself when DH left as i was in agony and kids would not settle.

Am seeing HV re DS next week and i'm also back at the doctor then too.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/11/2010 09:03

Rindercella - it is the thing that drives me mad the most about MN. All these women who come on here with these awful stories about what a useless bag of shite their husbands/partners are and then try and defend it all by saying 'oh but he's a good Dad' aaaaarrrrgggghhh.

OP - I hope you've sent the kids into his room with their noisiest toys. He is a selfish twat, and tbh if this behaviour has been going on for years then he is unlikely to change.

Why do men have children before they have given up being children themselves?