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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have walked off and left my husband and daughter in town?

91 replies

muttimalzwei · 27/11/2010 23:06

Was very cold today and snowy, struggled into town with two kids, slipping about and moaning. Had to get some shopping and it was very difficult as son refusing to go into pushchair, husband's back is weak so couldn't lift him. Daughter whining a lot. Husband did usual of saying 'don't be long','do we have to go in there' 'I'll just wait outside' etc when I was shopping (for essentials, new gloves,snowboots etc for kids) so I was rushing and having to cope with very clingy son who only wanted me. Suggested they went for a coffee while I looked for a new hat (had vouchers to spend in just one shop) and he refused as it loooked too busy and he wouldn't be able to lift son into highchair. He also said 'you'll be ages'. I just said 'oh do what you like then', took son and went to get hat and then got bus home. Husband fuming when he got back. V unhappy with me. Does no one else ever walk off in a huff these days or am I just vvv unreasonable?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 28/11/2010 10:09

By all means send him with a child or two to do the shopping.
Just don't go all passive aggressive and 'That's not what I would have bought' if he comes home with a choice they are happy with.
And yes, if you are heading home, a text or call is the sensible thing to send.
Unless you like constant squabbling as adults, you need to sit and plan what's happening before you head out.

Goblinchild · 28/11/2010 10:11

'Single men and single dads manange to do the shopping they need to without whinging and whining about it; having a wife/partner shouldn't mean they suddenly loose the ability.'

Agree, but they don't have to deal with a partner fussing either (happy to say the same of single women) So you need to talk as adults, or as you would with an adult friend.

2rebecca · 28/11/2010 10:18

I would have just gone shopping and left husband with kids at home. If a kid is small enough to go into a push chair then you should be able to force him into it if he's being a pain. If you can't physically get him in then he's probably too old for it or you're not being firm enough.
I don't get people who do family shopping trips though.
If the kids have to come because getting boots for them (although I always just use wellies) then I'd have gone to those shops first and then sent husband home with kids.
It sounds as though you both need to be a bit firmer with "clingy son" though. Instead he got rewarded for his stroppiness and clinginess by getting to stay with you.
It all sounds very juvenile. None of you come out of it well, except daughter who you left.

anastaisia · 28/11/2010 10:28

Some parents might choose not to force their children into pushchairs rebecca. And they might like to parent in a way that means if their child wants to be with them then they try to meet that request.

Lets not get distracted by comments on the OP's family choices and parenting. The question really is about the behaviour of both adults in the situation.

Perhaps if the H hadn't been trying to rush everything along the children may not have felt under so much pressure. Perhaps the OP could have handled it better and said 'this is really irritating me; you take DD home, I'll do the rest of the shopping that's for myself with DS and see you when I get back'. I think the OP was being a bit unreasonable; but not in being annoyed or separating, just in the breakdown of communication.

I agree that having a partner shouldn'y be a 'get out of shopping card' for your own or the kid's essentials.

Goldenbear · 28/11/2010 10:44

'i don't get people who do family shopping trips though'. Don't children need to learn though that sometimes you have to do things with your parents that aren't always an overwhelming amount of fun! My mum was very giving and always wanted us to be happy when possible but I do remember having to plod around the shops, go to the Bank etc. I do this with my own DS and I can honestly say it is not that hard to manage anymore, he is only 3 but we will often take him to the park or seaside after the shops so his patience is developing.

FWIW Op I don't think you did anything wrong in taking your son with you! Toddler clinginess is not bad behaviour 2rebecca and forcing a child back in a pushchair when he just wants to be clingy is going to reinforce his idea of shopping being a hellish experience, making it in to a bigger deal than it has to be.

pointydog · 28/11/2010 10:54

yabu

Why did you go shopping with the whole family? Just go yourself.

Young children hate shopping.

pointydog · 28/11/2010 10:57

golden, children never have to learn that they should just go shopping with both their parents on a busy saturday. Because there is no sensible reasoning behind it.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/11/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 28/11/2010 11:05

You don't need kids with you to buy them gloves and clothes.

If they do have to be with you for snowboots, I'd go on a trip just for snowboots and nothing else. Snowboots and a hot chocolate/treat, then home.

ChippingIn · 28/11/2010 11:07

YWNBU - although you should have been a bit more clear when you stomped off and said 'I'll see you both at home later then' - rather than DH not really knowing what you meant by 'do as you please'...

If the children need new coats & boots they need to go. DH should have been being useful not whining like a third child.

PD children do have to learn that we all have to do things we don't particularly want to do and the best way to get it done is quickly & quietly.

pointydog · 28/11/2010 11:10

Not shopping, though, chipping. I am of the opinion that you should never take small children shopping unless absolutely necessary. What an utterly pointless lesson.

ChippingIn · 28/11/2010 11:21

It is not a 'pointless' lesson - fitting in with society is a very good lesson, it's good for them to get out and about, see different things and other people... and it was necessary - the children needed snow boots!

What I cannot understand is why a whole family would go food shopping. My friend drags her DH and her 4 & 6 year olds to the supermarket - WHY?? Leave the kids at home with DH and go by yourself! Mind you, she wont go to the bathroom without her DH. (Her DH can't go as he isn't allowed to drive and she likes to 'see' the food, not shop online).

ChippingIn · 28/11/2010 11:22

Quite frankly though - I'd rather take both kids on my own than take a foot dragging DH with me as well! It might not be 'PC' but it's a hell of a lot easier - besides, that would give him plenty of time to do some housework/washing while we were out :)

piscesmoon · 28/11/2010 11:25

Fot those who don't think DH should be let off-just send him on his own with DCs. The whole family going shopping near Christmas on a Saturday is hell! (I think it is hell at any time)

classydiva · 28/11/2010 11:26

Go into town on your own and leave the kids with him at home. Never understand why you would want to take children shopping or go with the other half.

Much faster doing it on your own.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/11/2010 11:27

I agree with Reality

Just to add that for a long time I didn't take my DC to supermarkets etc. They didn't want to go and I didn't want to take them. Shopping is easier without DC. However, this resulted in them not having much concept of how they were supposed to behave in shops. When I did have to take them, they saw no reason why they couldn't skid across the floor in the supermarket.

The fact is that life is not one big trip to the park and chiildren do have to learn how to behave in a variety of situations. I had to take them shopping on purpose to teach them how to behave. If I didn't do this, then my DC would grow up to be the sort of whiny adult that the OP is married to!

Gay40 · 28/11/2010 11:52

I've not said leave the men at home. I'm just saying it's hardly nice quality time if shopping together ends in an argument.
We are both women and you'd think shopping together would be fine, but no - it's the fastest route to a Big Row.
DD's father is just as capable of shopping for her needs.

pointydog · 28/11/2010 12:20

I rarely took my kids shopping but they knew exactly ho to behave in shops. What bizarre notions.

ChippingIn · 28/11/2010 13:06

Gay40 - it suprised me in your first post when you said not to take any long term partners shopping :) I would have assumed that would be one of the bonuses of being gay! Is it because you are partners or do you both just hate shopping? (I am not a 'shopper' myself, I do it when I have to - but not for fun!).

Gay40 · 28/11/2010 13:15

ChippingIn, it's just a recipe for disaster. We both enjoy shopping in our ways, but have different methods and reasoning, so before long I'm wanting a coffee to ponder what is next, she's wanting to look at the fourteenth black dress in the same shop....heated debate ensues.
Believe me, the more I read on here, the more I feel it is a bonus being gay lol

ChippingIn · 28/11/2010 15:00

Gay - trust me, I think if it was one of those things you could 'just choose' I'd be there with you! I guess it's the same, only worse as you are in a relationship so don't hold back as much, but I hate shopping with friends! (Friends, partners - anyone really) if I need things - I like to be able to do my own thing. I don't mind shopping with other people if it's mainly for them though.... and I don't need to get anything done.

I'd be with you on the coffee stops

theevildead2 · 28/11/2010 15:12

Sounds like you were doing the family shopping and DH was being an arse not wanting to help. So YANBU

2rebecca · 28/11/2010 16:42

I would have left the husband at home with the kids, in that case neither parent has an easy option. Or took him and kids to get footwear then sent him home with kids. It sounds as though the son needs to spend more time with his father anyway. If either kid got clingy when younger with ex and I we deliberately had them spending more time with the nonfavoured parent so it didn't get silly.

fluffles · 28/11/2010 16:50

two adults, two children? - surely you split up and do one kid each. that sounds like an equal partnership to me.. no point in three people (one adult, two children) tagging around after the 'in charge' adult - no wonder the other adult ends up acting like a child.

next time, divide and conquer

Ormirian · 28/11/2010 16:52

I don't blame him for being pissed off with you. As far as I know reasonable peope never walked off in a huff.

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