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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExP spending £70 plus on toys for DD

60 replies

WisteriaWoman · 27/11/2010 13:03

DD has just been taken out by her dad and they went to Toys R Us. They came back with two games for her DS and some DS extras. Total £72. It's not even Xmas yet. AGGHH

Do I take two of the 3 items back to the shop and get a credit note (she's already opened one DS game ) or do I keep them back for Xmas.

I'm livid that every time he sees her he throws money at her.
Bah humbug

When I voice my concerns to ExP he just says - oh she told me to go there. She's 6 FFS !!

OP posts:

dracschick · 27/11/2010 13:06

Let her have them her Dad bought them for her as a gift.

Its not a competition although if it were the xmas memories she will have of you taking her stuff would lead you lower down the score board- dont play into his hands,give her your time to do craft stuff and winter walks and hot chocolate .....thats what she will remember and thats not for sale in toys are us.

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 27/11/2010 13:07

Is your ex a Disney dad? I.e. Overcompensating out of guilt?

dracschick · 27/11/2010 13:07

Disney Dad ...lmao thats a fab word

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 27/11/2010 13:10

Ok, she's 6 so she won't understand the cost.

Is he up to date with his child maintenance? cos if so you don't really have anything to complain about - it's his cash.

She really won't understand or be unhappy with whatever she gets for Christmas - as long as she gets things she enjoys she will be happy (whatever the cost)

canyou · 27/11/2010 13:18

I love Disney Dad as well what a nice way of putting it.
I currently care for a niece and 2 nephews, they see their Dad every 6 weeks and he will give them the earth moon and stars [but really nice as he includes my dd also in the gifts] but it does drive me mad.
He was visiting recently, we collected him from the airport and got take away hot chocolate and drank it while feeding the birds running off the dc excitement. That is what they remember not the great toys which is expected to a degree now. Memories are not made by gifts but your actions so moral high ground etc leave her have her toys knowing she will remember the days in the park and fun stuff not long abandoned toys when she grows up

skydance · 27/11/2010 13:40

Just let her keep them, she won't really understand how much they cost.

As has been said what she WILL remember when she's grown up is who spent time with her, baking, doing craft activities, trips to the park, tea in a cafe etc

HalfTermHero · 27/11/2010 13:46

He is free to spend his money how he sees fit. He obviously loves your little girl and perhaps his generousity is to make him feel better about the fact that through circumstance he is unable to live with her. It might well be guilt as he feels that he has failed her. Either way, I would not judge him for buying her nice things.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Vallhala · 27/11/2010 14:15

For goodness sakes don't deprive her of presents from her father, whether it's Christmas or not, assuming of course that come 25th December she will have a gift/s to unwrap from him.

I was brought up in a lone parent household, as are both my daughters. My daughters' father provides less than most teenagers get as pocket money to feed and clothe them and if they are lucky they will get a £20 note each for Christmas. This is only recent - for many years they didn't get so much as a slice of bread or a Christmas card between them. My own father was worse.

So, if your ex is going to give your child the extras in life that some children aren't lucky enough to have I think you'd be a fool to argue. I can see where you are coming from, that he is playing the nice guy with the ready cash, and your DD will see through it in future years too. In the meantime, don't cut off your nose to spite your face, take what he offers and smile, ensure that DD appreciates it (as I'm sure you will) and enjoy seeing her happy face when she receives the gifts that other kids can only dream of. You could make a stand, sure, but why deprive her?

byrel · 27/11/2010 14:19

YABVU why shouldn't he buy gifts for his daughter. Its his money and I'm amazed you are complaining about it.

Ragwort · 27/11/2010 14:23

I agree with you Wisteria - it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a six year old - even if he can afford it. Does he buy clothes/contribute to useful things etc.? Better to save for her future in my opinion - but I hate spending money on 'toys' etc. .

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/11/2010 14:28

YABVU, why should he not be able to treat his own child? He doesnt have to justify his spending to you or anybody else.

How mean to save them for xmas or to take them back. They are not yours to do that with.

Presumably you get to see your daughter a hell of a lot more than he does so will also buy treats, do activities etc - things you probably take for granted whereas he has to cram them in in the little time he gets.

Strictly · 27/11/2010 14:33

Jesus poor man isn't allowed to buy presents for his own child... I find it really odd OP thinks it's up to her to hold presents back that were bought with someone elses money for their own child.

Tootlesmummy · 27/11/2010 14:37

I think it would be unfair and unreasonable for you to decide what your DD does or doesn't get from her father.

I can see why it might irritate you but it's not about who spends what and when and so long as she knows you won't buy her whatever she wants whenever then that's ok to.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 27/11/2010 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beade · 27/11/2010 14:37

YABVU who gave you the authority to withhold presents that her father bought her. Does your ex earn more than you and you're a little jealous that he can spend more on her than you.

MoonUnitAlpha · 27/11/2010 14:40

Not up to you to decide what presents he can give his child - how would you feel if he took presents you'd given her back to the shop?

You might be irritated but YABU to do anything with her presents.

Silver1 · 27/11/2010 14:42

YABU- A dead beat dad would be a dad who buys those presents then says she can only have them when she is with him.
She would be crushed.
Perhaps he is trying to make her feel better after the break up of her whole world at home.
But go on you take them off her and make her unhappy-she'll love and thank you for that in years to come.

onceamai · 27/11/2010 14:43

Only unreasonable if he is behind with maintenance payments. If not, let her enjoy the presents. Will only end up as a stick for him to beat you with - "well I can't get you this because mummy doesn't like it".

Dexterrocks · 27/11/2010 14:43

She is too little to know how expensive the gifts were and by the time she is old enough to know she will still value the time spent, the washing, cleaning, ironing and working to support more than the gifts given.
You have your relationship with her and he has his.
My husband's mother tried to interfere with these things when she and her husband divorced and it has devastated family relationships and backfired on her as well as their father.
I totally understand your concern but best to stay out of it really.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 27/11/2010 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poxoxo · 27/11/2010 14:47

YABU Can I ask why your exP buying your daughter presents makes you livid. He has bought them for her which as her father he is perfectly entitled to do.

electra · 27/11/2010 14:50

Try not to let your feelings come into it. Actually I don't think £70 is too excessive if it's for Christmas and he doesn't do it every week (my subjective opinion I know....)

Tbh I would rather have it this way than how it is with my girls' dad who is tight as a duck's arse, never buys them anything but takes them round toy shops and when they ask for something says no!

I suppose we will all be influenced by our own experiences though.

mistletoekisses · 27/11/2010 14:54

YABU. YABVU.

Emjxxx · 27/11/2010 14:55

I can understand where you are coming from, my ExP does the same thing. Spends £50 on DS1 every other weekend when he sees him. New games and toys. It annoys because DS1 then expects it from me and DP and also because the other 2 children do not understand why they haven't got new things. Well the older DD does but she just sees it as unfair. I never take them off him or make a big deal about all his new toys but I do find it quite sad that the only reason my DS1 is looking forward to seeing his dad is because he wants a new DS game!

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