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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExP spending £70 plus on toys for DD

60 replies

WisteriaWoman · 27/11/2010 13:03

DD has just been taken out by her dad and they went to Toys R Us. They came back with two games for her DS and some DS extras. Total £72. It's not even Xmas yet. AGGHH

Do I take two of the 3 items back to the shop and get a credit note (she's already opened one DS game ) or do I keep them back for Xmas.

I'm livid that every time he sees her he throws money at her.
Bah humbug

When I voice my concerns to ExP he just says - oh she told me to go there. She's 6 FFS !!

OP posts:
Emjxxx · 27/11/2010 14:58

Also just to say that my ExP refuses to pay any maintenance as he's not got the money!! My DS1 is 6 as well!

popelle · 27/11/2010 15:08

YABVU and you sound a little jealous. He probably doesn't get to see his daughter that often so when he does he likes to spoil her, its perfectly natural. Its not a competition between you and him

forehead · 27/11/2010 15:45

YABVVU, i am sure that my mother who was asingle parent would have been grateful if my deadbeat dad had bought my sibling and i some toys at Christmas. As long as he is paying child support, i don't understand what the problem is

rpickett · 27/11/2010 16:58

YABVU Would you rather he never bought her anything? You should be glad he makes the effort to make her happy regardless of your own feelings.

missmoopy · 27/11/2010 17:12

You can't punish your child by removing her gifts because you are pissed off with her Dad.

YABVU.

bna · 27/11/2010 17:14

I don't understand why you have a problem with your daughters dad buying her gifts when he sees her

Original poster
WisteriaWoman · 27/11/2010 17:16

Ahhh that's it he's a Disney dad. Wonderful phrase thanks. Of course I don't mind him buying presents for her -it's great - but its always so over the top. That's what i have a problem with. £25 yes but £75 eeks. I don't want her to see him as a money machine. But I guess thats for them to sort out between themselves.

Good news - he says that she should have the two extra presents for Xmas, so that's fine.

However my real grumble is I would rather instead of an hour or two in a toy shop he had a proper relationship with her - ie spend some quality time with her. (He's never had her to stay, visit, meet her brothers or sisters etc and he'll go silent over the Xmas holidays in spite of him being allowed 24/7 access to her). It's that which makes me sad.

PLease don't flame me - I'm having a really tricky day.

OP posts:
altinkum · 27/11/2010 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bna · 27/11/2010 17:23

How she sees her dad is up to her, I would stay well out of it if I were you. I also don't think you should be deciding whether he has gone over the top with how much he has spent on her, its totally up to him how much he spends.

midori1999 · 27/11/2010 17:24

I agree YABU. Why would you begrudge your daughter gifts from her Dad? She won't really understand the cost or that they are extravagant. I'm sure you'd soon complain if he never saw her or spent a penny on her.

My DC's Dad spends a fortune on them when he sees them. They love it and it means they have an even better time than they otherwise would when with him. Great! They aren't spoiled at all and do understand the value of things, they just know Dad can spoil them.

LunarRose · 27/11/2010 18:10

YANBU,

I will apologise though in advance for my opinions and admit that I am somewhat biased. I come from the position of being a mum who watches my ex do anything to get out of paying the right amount for his kids, but would quite happily dress them in designer outfits and shower them with gifts. I know this isn't every absent parent..

Seeing an absent father spending a considerable amount of money on children prior to christmas often make you feel your own christmas efforts are devalued. The CSA comments are kinda irrelvent because unless your ex has an exceedingly well paid job, the maintenance is unlikely to cover the total cost of raising children. When your in a relationship theres a good chance that around 90% of your income goes into supporting the family and family home, when you split that reduces to 20%. To expect children to understand that you have spent the equivalent on pants and socks and therefore cannot spend it on fun things like computer games can conspire to make you seem like the boring one.

I wonder whether the example of the computer being bought by the non resident parent for their daughter can been seen from being considered from an alternative view. I wonder if actually the mum felt that by buying a considerably expensive item for one child it was setting them apart from their younger siblings which was something the mum didn't want to happen, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a child to share something clearly that expensive with siblings. It is unfortunate it broke but then computers do break get virus etc and it's part of the learning curve to know that accidents do happen. Encouraging a step child to comment about concealing stuff from their mum is distasteful.

prepares to be flamed Biscuit

Original poster
WisteriaWoman · 27/11/2010 18:21

Midori - I think I agree with you. thanks for giving me the different perspective. It's really good to hear that your kids haven't ended up spoilt. That is SO reassuring.

Anyway its now after 6 so I'm going off to find some mulled wine.....
Peace love and happiness to all

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 27/11/2010 18:25

"Good news - he says that she should have the two extra presents for Xmas, so that's fine."

so you've moaned and won, even better you have new words to call him.

well done.

(sarcasm intended)

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/11/2010 18:27

LunarRose Sat 27-Nov-10 18:10:42
"I wonder if actually the mum felt that by buying a considerably expensive item for one child it was setting them apart from their younger siblings which was something the mum didn't want to happen."

So child should miss out because thier NR parents should consider children in the house that are not theirs?

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 18:28

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hairytriangle · 27/11/2010 18:31

So many people (single parents) complan that they get nothing, no contribution etc, I think your complaint is rather odd.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 27/11/2010 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunarRose · 27/11/2010 18:38

No I do think there is a middle road, when the NRP contributes equally to the boring and fun bits allowing the RP to do the same.

2 parts I'd like to clarify

  1. if the present so expensive enough that had the resident parent have bought, it it would have been shared with younger siblings then it is not unreasonable to treat it the same way when the NRP buys it.

  2. If RP only had to spend 20% of our income on supporting children we also would have significantly more income to splash out on treats

And we don't always get the right balance, Have some respect for the OPs ex in recognising he might have got it slightly off the mark and bumped the presents to christmas.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 18:47

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LunarRose · 27/11/2010 18:49

Sorry Funky x -posted.

Don't know the specifics but have learnt in this discussions that there are generally more than one perspective on incidents like that, wanted to offer up an alternative.

I do know that if I had a daughter who suddenly turned up with a computer (and games) and insisted that noone else could use it i'd be a bit Hmm

LunarRose · 27/11/2010 19:07

Sparkly -
The circumstance when you do resent an ex spending excessive money on treats is when you know they don't actually contribute equally to raising their children. Not the case with all seperated families.

like I say I apologise cos my opinions are biased. My ex is shocking!
Smile

byrel · 27/11/2010 19:10

LunarRose- If the father isn't the resident parent then how can he contribute equally to raising the child. The mother is going to spend a lot more time with the child than the father in most instances who may only get to see them at weekends so she is going to contribute more to the raising of the child.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 19:15

This reply has been deleted

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cikals · 27/11/2010 19:17

My ex is very generous towards my dd and anything he buys her is hers and my other dc can only use it with her permission. If she doesn't want them to touch it then they'll be trouble if they do

LunarRose · 27/11/2010 19:39

Sparkly - come to think of it neither did mine Grin

Byrel, if your a mum that needs to work to support your children that may well be the only time you get quality time with your children too.

an absent parent can contribute equally to the wellbeing of their children i don't believe that is dependent on amount of time they spend with them. I think one of the biggest impact that a NRP can have on the child is by being supportive of the RP. i think ill concieved gifts home can sometimes inadvertedly cause discord without even intending