Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder who on earth actually thinks the ideal family is one boy then one girl two years later???

115 replies

walkertexasranger · 26/11/2010 20:40

I have only ever seen this kind of family mentioned as the 'ideal' family on Mumsnet. Never, ever, ever heard of it anywhere else.

What's that all about then? Has anyone else heard of this mythical ideal family type? And why does it have to be two years Confused

Where has this come from? What's so aspirational about it, does anyone know? It freaks me the fuck out because it seems so obviously designed to create a couple of mini-mes given that most men are older than their wives.

Has anyone ever heard of this in RL or is it another MN only thing?

OP posts:
BootifulBernie · 27/11/2010 07:31

I have had a few comments about having a boy and then a girl (3 yrs later, actually!).

Usually just inane, but well meaning stuff, like: 'Ooh, you must be so pleased, having the perfect little family' etc etc

I did get one comment from a parent at DS's school, which was jokey, but I did privately think Hmm. It was about how I can chill out about having any more kids now, as I have the perfectly smug 2-4 children scenario'.

I had to bite my lip not to say 'Yes, after two miscarriages, I'd say I feel relieved rather than smug to have my two' ' Hmm

InPraiseOfBacchus · 27/11/2010 08:36

It suggests to me that, (in the ideal setup,) the boy is older and gets the benefits of briefly being raised as an only-child, which makes 'sense' because he's a male. The daughter is therefore seen as the 'play' baby, who you just have to dress up and bounce around.

I just see it as another case of a girl being the young/cute one another expression of the 'natural order of things' which modern Western culture still loves to propagate.

Megatron · 27/11/2010 08:42

Well it's what we have but it wasn't because it was 'ideal'. At my age we thought we better get on with it before I got too past it and bits of me started falling off. MIL thinks I was 'very clever' though. Confused

domesticsluttery · 27/11/2010 08:44

No such thing as a "perfect" family IMO.

DS2 was born almost 2 years after DS1. So many people assumed that I would be disappointed that he was another boy. Then when I had DD two years later I lost count of the number of people who assumed we were trying for a girl and that was the only reason we were having a 3rd. I actually always quite liked the idea of 4 boys!

BootifulBernie · 27/11/2010 08:49

The 'clever' thing is so odd!@Megatron. My next door neighbour said this when I brought DD home from hospital. I'm sure she was just trying to be nice, hut I really did feel like giving her a biology lesson at that point.

MuddledMum · 27/11/2010 09:14

When my adorable DS2 was two weeks old DH and I very proudly ventured out to lunch. In the Restaurant an, at first glance perfectly sane, late middle-aged woman came to coo over our baby. After some oohs and ahhs the conversation then went like this...

Her: 'Is he your first?'
Me: 'No, we also have an older boy at home who is nearly 3'.
Her: (in a forlorn voice) 'Oh. I have two boys too. I always think that people who manage to have one of each are so clever'.

WTF!??!!!!

Girl of 3 gets into Mensa = clever
Fred Housego = clever
Me ramming 2 cocktail olives up her over made-up nostrils with a toothpick = clever
Gender of my children = frig all to do with the old grey matter

However as I'm British I told her none of the above and instead just smiled inanely and wished her a lovely afternoon.

(memo to self: take the cocktail olive option next time!)

c0rns1lk · 27/11/2010 09:23

After I'd had ds2 the midwife on the ward(not the one who delivered him) said 'Oh well,a boy's nicebut a girl's a blessing.'I was Hmm

TheUnmentioned · 27/11/2010 09:33

I have ds (3) and dd who is 9 weeks and it's ridiculous the number of people who have said we're 'lucky' to have a girl, or that we have a gentleman's family and when I say I want another they look at me like I'm a loon and say 'but youve got one of each' - even my mum says this and she had a boy then a girl then a girl? I was the last girl so does that mean I was a mistake?

cupcakebakerer · 27/11/2010 09:51

It comes from the same school of thought that says you have 'failed' if you didn't have a natural childbirth. Ridiculous and out of your control. I would just love a healthy baby regardless of sex and how he/she gets here. I can understand why you would eventually like a son and a daughter as I'm assuming it's two very different experiences raising them. I have a friend with one of each with this two year age gap you mention - very smug about it, comments about 'feeling sorry' for friends who haven't managed it and fancies herself as middle class...

CheerfulYank · 27/11/2010 10:22

Never heard of a gentleman's family but apparently I was raised in one. However, we were a bloody awful family for awhile there (mentally unstable mom, addict brother, lots of good fun!)and it's taken us awhile to learn to get along.

I have one DS (3 yrs) and we're going to TTC soon. Everyone says "oh I'm sure you'll get a girl this time!" Hmm Wouldn't mind all boys honestly, and I wouldn't mind a pack of girls either. You get what you get.

bigTillyMint · 27/11/2010 10:28

I have a girl and a boy 19mnths apart.

Loads of people commented about how lucky we were to have one of each.

I don't think how many, what sex or the age-gap matters in the slightest.

BaggedandTagged · 27/11/2010 10:40

I think the logic of the age gap is that girls mature faster than boys so if the girl is younger, the age gap will be less apparent than if the boy is younger. Therefore if you want one of each then maybe it's better that way round.

I think most people, if they're honest, have an idea of what they'd ideally like family wise before they start having kids, but once they come along you're always just happy with what you get.I'd disagree that there is one "ideal" though- surely ideals are purely individual.

eg I would like a daughter, so maybe I would say "ideally" the next one would be a girl, but if it's not, it's not. I'd still be delighted with another son.

darleneconnor · 27/11/2010 11:26

meaow- but it was the advent of formula feeding which lead to the 20th c phenomena of 'Irish twins' (2 babies within a year). Before then, women breastfed for longer, stopping them from ovulating and resulting in 2-4 year gaps between siblings.

It could be said that I have a 'cereal packet' family of a boy then a girl but they have different bio fathers so I'd prob fail the purists' test!

I always wanted one of each gender, plus a 'spare' and do feel a little sorry for people who only get one 'set'.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 27/11/2010 12:13

darlene, I always forget or disregard the breastfeeding aspect because I think it's flawed, but I take your point.

I know about 7 or 8 women who attempted to rely on the BF non-ovulation contraception method, and it didn't work - and they were all ebf, not mixed feeding.

Oops!

Hullygully · 27/11/2010 12:22

I have a ds who is 17 mths older than my dd. They get along fine, but I had a dsis 14 mths younger and we were and are very close and I feel sad for mine that they won't have a same sex sib.

MsSparkle · 27/11/2010 12:35

I think this mentality does exist outside of mn unfortunatly. My mum said to me she was talking to bil (who has no dc) and he said it was ideal to have a boy first to be the "head" of the siblingsHmm He was saying it because his sister had a boy then a girl 18 months later.

Then when my mum mentioned me (i have a girl and then a two year gap boy) and he said "Oh, well she she suits having a girl doesn't she."Hmm

Hopes if bil and my sister ever have kids they have a girl first [evil emotion]

MsSparkle · 27/11/2010 12:36

"I always wanted one of each gender, plus a 'spare' and do feel a little sorry for people who only get one 'set'"

Hmm
5DollarShake · 27/11/2010 12:40

My DS is 18 months older than DD. MIL mentioned the 'gentleman's family' thing to us, but it was clearly tongue-in-cheek.

i've also been told I'm clever for having one of each - but for goodness sake, it's clearly just a lame little joke! Why are people taking it so literally?!

As for the 'ideal family' scenario, perhaps it relates to primogeniture, which is horribly outdated IMO, but which still exists in aristocratic and royal (i.e. gentlemen's) families - the first born son inherits the title and the land. And then a girl is 'nice to have' to complete the set - especially if she comes along after the heir. Hmm

I would like to have a 3rd, so no gentlemen's family for us...! In any case, surely the ideal family is, as everyone has said, whatever you are dealt.

LadyViper · 27/11/2010 12:41

Its the nuclear family isn't it? Wasn't it just the average family setup whenever they did whatever survey it was, probably in the 1950s?

I read somewhere that a study found that the more atractive you both are the more likely you are you have a girl first. So that could be a good comeback to criticisers!

LadyViper · 27/11/2010 12:43

and don't two year gaps occur naturally historically before contraception and formula because bf inhibits fertility?

LadyViper · 27/11/2010 12:43

didn't not don't

darleneconnor · 27/11/2010 13:44

ms- why the Hmm?

A possible advantage of having a boy then a girl is that I expect DS to help out with DD as he is a good bit older. I want him to think of caring as a gender neutral not gender specific job. If I'd had a girl first, and she was helping out, it would reinforce gender stereotypes.

bruffin · 27/11/2010 14:07

I never planned it or ever aspired to it, but we had ds then 2 years 5 days later we had a dd.
It works very wel l in our family especially as I am 1 of 3 girls, and ds is the only grandson and dh is 1 of 2 boys and dd is the only granddaughter. We feel nicely balanced Grin
It wouldn't have bothered me if I had all girls or all boys or when they came along.

Original poster
walkertexasranger · 27/11/2010 14:46

"If I'd had a girl first, and she was helping out, it would reinforce gender stereotypes."

What the fuckity fuck are you on about?

OP posts:
Original poster
walkertexasranger · 27/11/2010 14:47

Darlene, you seriously sound like someone who doesn't quite 'get' feminism, but thinks she does.

OP posts: