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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder who on earth actually thinks the ideal family is one boy then one girl two years later???

115 replies

walkertexasranger · 26/11/2010 20:40

I have only ever seen this kind of family mentioned as the 'ideal' family on Mumsnet. Never, ever, ever heard of it anywhere else.

What's that all about then? Has anyone else heard of this mythical ideal family type? And why does it have to be two years Confused

Where has this come from? What's so aspirational about it, does anyone know? It freaks me the fuck out because it seems so obviously designed to create a couple of mini-mes given that most men are older than their wives.

Has anyone ever heard of this in RL or is it another MN only thing?

OP posts:
lucilastic · 26/11/2010 22:08

I had 2 girls 19 months apart. I am an old bird though and had to crack on.
I think 2 of the same sex (either boys or girls) with an age gap of no more than 2 yrs maximum is the ideal. For the children anyway.

MintyMoo · 26/11/2010 22:12

How bizarre, have never heard this. My Mum always said her area where she grew up thought to have a girl first was ideal because if the parents died the girl would be able to be the Mum to the younger ones... Hmm

Then again my Mum's ideal was to have one and then no more! :)

CleverCircusFlea · 26/11/2010 22:14

I used to think that that's just how it's "done" well into my teenage years childhood, the reason being that my mum and all her four siblings did it that way - boy first and then a girl two or so years later, so i just thought it's "the law" Grin

redflag · 26/11/2010 22:26

I think 2 years is far too close, when do you get to enjoy them alone? I left 4 years so my 1st ds would be in full time school when second ds came along therefore second ds gets the same amount of one on one time ds1 did. Sod the 2 year gap!

SingingBear · 26/11/2010 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueeferSantaland · 26/11/2010 22:36

Huh?
I've never heard this, although it is the advertising standard isn't it?

I felt very lucky to have had a boy and a girl, because I could experience both. Have since had another boy. Meh.

Round this way it's the middle class thing to have four children anyway it seems.

sweetkitty · 26/11/2010 22:48

Oh I used to get it a lot especially from my Mother about the "gentlemans family" and how she and my cousin were the only ones to hit the "jackpot" of one of each Hmm

She was horrified when I told her I was pregnant with DC2 when DD1 was 9 months old, told me it was obviously a mistake and when I said no it was planned she said she was going to tell everyone is was a "mistake" WTF?

Of course when DD2 turned out to be a DD she said well you can always try for the boy next time, apparently you are only "allowed" to have a third baby if you have the misfortune of having two of the one sex. She was a bit horrified at DD3 and I don't know what she said about DS as I no longer talk to her (long story).

Anyway I have had so many comments about stopping now I have the boy, couldn't have cared less, I actually had it so in my head 4 little girls that it's still a shock to have a son.

ChateauRouge · 26/11/2010 22:50

People often comment that as I have a boy and a girl it must be perfect Hmm

I find it very strange tbh.

Firawla · 26/11/2010 22:56

i think its just that people think one each is ideal as you get to have both, without having to have loads of kids and 2 yrs is like the average gap, so probably just seen as the ideal or "norm" in that sense?
but each to their own really, my ideal would be having atleast 2 of each gender so that they all have a brother and a sister as its nice to have a sibling of your same gender, and its nice to have some of each for the parents, and i like age gaps under 2 yrs - so everyone has their own ideas, but then its not like we get to chose exactly the gender and timing anyway so anyone that is too obsessed by it is wasting their time a bit really.
very rude the inlaws and whoever else that people have mentioned making comments about it, but these are the kind of things to just totally ignore them and have as much children and roughly the age gaps what you want yourself, as its noone else's business

MmeBucket · 26/11/2010 22:57

Whew. I was worried I was going to be slated for having the "ideal family". But then I realized I don't, because DS is 2 years and 9 days older than DD, and we don't qualify.

mumeeee · 26/11/2010 23:32

Not where I come from. I ahve 3 girls.my sister has 2 girls and 3 boys and my brother has 3 boys and a girl. My parents think all of our families are great.

Concordia · 26/11/2010 23:39

i have a boy and then a girl two years younger Grin
so i must have done something right?!!
actually, for me of course it is ideal, but i'm sure whatever i'd have got it'd been ideal for me.
lots of older people do compliment me though on having one of each, how nice it is blah blah Hmm but only one person's ever said having a boy then a girl was the thing to do.

MardyBra · 26/11/2010 23:56

i blame Ask The Family

Doodlez · 26/11/2010 23:58

Oh! Shock I have an 'ideal' family and this is the first I've heard of it - who knew?...

CakeandRoses · 27/11/2010 00:06

My Dcs are exactly that and I'm soooo bored of hearing about what a perfect family we have (because of this single factor) but have only heard it in RL not on MN.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 27/11/2010 00:20

Haven't read the whole thread but the 2 yr gap thing is related to the fact that before the pill becoming freely available, babies would often be born 9 or 10 or 11 months apart (My FiL has a younger brother, almost exactly 10 months younger, to the day and they are 2 boys from a family of 12 boys and one girl. FiL is 62 next July, btw)

Once the pill came on the scene, women/couples could choose how often to have children, and yet still maintain their sex life. So by the time the first baby is about 12-15 months old, the couple are often ready to have another child.

So, boy then about 2 years later a daughter. My brother is 22 months older than me!

FiveOrangePips · 27/11/2010 00:35

eh never heard of it, ever, not even on mn.

My ideal family is dd, followed 2.9 yrs later by ds(who happens to have SN), there is no end to my ideal family, if I have more children I will think they are ideal too...

chipmonkey · 27/11/2010 01:37

I do like that all my boys have a buddy around their own age.

blackcurrants · 27/11/2010 01:39

Huh! My mum persuaded my dad that they should have me (3rd child) because "we've got a son and a daughter and we look like a bloody cornflake family!" - I should add that my brother looks really like my dad, and my sister extremely like my mum.... and he was persuaded! So they have me!

My bro has replicated our family DS, DD, DD - all about 2 years apart, and my DS has 3 DDs.

I've just got DS and he's only 4 months old but I already think I'd like another one. The gap's going to have more to do with my work than anything else, though... somewhere 2-3 years might be nice. My sister and I fought like crazy for a while but were also very close, and I think the 2 year gap helped with that. Frankly, I'd like one out of nappies before the next one comes along, but no idea how that works out!

Part of me wants a DD - not for anyone's idea of 'ideal' but cos then I've had the experience of raising both. However, I do know just from DS's first four months that there aren't girl babies and boy babies, there are babies and every single one is different, so... another DS would be pretty great too!

M

blackcurrants · 27/11/2010 01:40

I should say "My bro has replicated our family DS, DD, DD - all about 2 years apart, and my DSis has 3 DDs"

.. oh, go to sleep, idiot!

itmustbewineoclock · 27/11/2010 05:52

My 'ideal' was 2 of same sex as I had a great experience with a close relationship with my sister 2 years younger. When DD1 came along I was secretly hoping for another DD - for her. We now have DD3 too. I'm sure lots of people think we're disappointed not to have a boy - but I don't care. They can think what they like - to me what we have is the absolute ideal and I love it.

LinzerTorte · 27/11/2010 06:42

We have two DDs and a DS, 2-2.5 years apart - our ideal was always 3-4 DC (but I quickly realised that 3 was my limit!).

However, my MIL is absolutely convinced that we only had DC3 because we were desperate for a boy and cannot be persuaded otherwise. And for my ILs, the ideal age gap seems to be 5 years (there are 5 years between DH and his sister and 5 years between my SIL's DC) and they think we're mad to have had the DC "so close together".

Tee2072 · 27/11/2010 06:50

Well, when I was born, 22 months after my brother (and 41 years ago, give or take) my uncle said to my dad 'You've got the perfect family' and my dad said 'So do you!' and my uncle said 'No, I don't. My girl is the oldest.' My dad said Hmm.

I've often wondered if he ever said that to my older, girl cousin.

kazah72 · 27/11/2010 07:07

Families should be just accepted as they come (I have 4 sisters and no brother) My dd is 4 years younger than her brother. OH NO! I got it all wrong (as if I'm some alien who can control when I conceive and what gender i'll get...)

I do find it interesting though how many people have said to me "Oh you've got a girl and a boy, you can stop having more children now" ???What??? Confused

nooka · 27/11/2010 07:27

My ds is 16mths older than my dd and whilst it was very tough when they were little it works very well now. I can't remember anyone commenting on particularly, and I haven't picked up on MN that this is a particularly good arrangement (apart from getting the gap slightly wrong). My two have always been pretty much at the same stage which is good, and they are best friends, which is excellent. I think that two years is quite a tricky gap for sibling rivalry when they are tiny, but then I'd not recommend a small gap either (or a big one!). I think it is best not to plan too much really.