To feel like I am punished for being organised?

[brassick]

I seem to be surrounded by inefficient and disorganised people.

And because I am organised, I get put upon to help out other people.

For example, my stepmum has been asking me for ideas for my children for Christmas. That's absolutely fine and I am happy to help, but every time I go back with clear and definitive lists, I get more and more questions. Then she starts asking me about my sister-in-law's preferences.

Then my sister-in-law texts asking for ideas for my children and my dad and stepmum. Again, help given, followed by more questions.

My sister-in-law actually told me off for not telling her I was going to be giving her her dd's presents to put away for Christmas when they visited a couple of weeks ago. Apparently while I was wrapping them, I should have thought "hmmm, wonder if SIL has thought of this, perhaps I should let her know"

Next I go to choir, and my friend says "I've lost all of my Christmas books, can you photocopy all of the relevant pieces for me" . We're not talking a 2 minute job here - it will take me at least an hour to scan each page in and then print it out for 5 or 6 pieces.

And it goes on and on. If I forget someone's birthday it is seen as a slight. If my disorganised siblings remember, it is celebrated for years.

My life is extremely busy, I work full time in a job where my role is to organise everyone in the office, I am currently studying for a diploma by distance learning, I have 2 very busy dds who take part in many activities. I am a member of two choirs and on the committee for both. I manage to keep on top of things in my house and my life.

Because I am able to do this for myself, why should I also be expected to do it for other people who can't be bothered?

I had to sit there in choir the other night repeating in my head "other people have other qualities, they are not worse, just different" so I wouldn't just stand up and start randomly screaming...

Apologies for the rant, feel a little better now...

I know I need to step back with dd2 - it is so frustrating, as dd1 is a naturally organised person - we always say that dd1 is my child and dd2 is dh's child. So now that dd2 is in secondary school, this is the first time we are really having to let her be organised by herself...

I really need to stiffen my resolve, and start afresh with dd2, if I let her know what I am no longer willing to do for her then she will have to step up and get on with it herself. I will have to live with my inner pain when she is running round like a headless chicken at 10 o'clock at night looking for the books / papers / kit she needs for school the next day.

What makes this all the more difficult is that she is going through an extremely "oppositional" phrase at the moment - so is not at all open to listening to what I say if she thinks I am having a go or nagging. She constantly interrupts me while I'm talking to her, saying "yeah, yeah, I know..." or just talking over me telling me why she is right and I am wrong.

OK, will chat to her over the weekend, will not tidy her room or look for things for her...

I think that now is a great time for her to be learning how to organise herself. Secondary school should be all about becoming independent, otherwise in a few years' time you are going to be finding yourself drawing up revision timetables while she hangs out with her mates moaning that she is 'stressed' about her impending GCSEs...

Why not help her to set herself up with an online diary? If she has an activity it then becomes her responsibility to ask, in advance, for a lift. However, as it is online you can also keep an eye on it and see if any clashes are looming.

For the other problems:

I suspect that you might find a plain 'no' too difficult, but how about:

'Sorry, I won't get a chance.'
'I can't help you out, why don't you do x instead.'
'Sorry, I am overloaded at the moment so can't help you.'

You assuage your guilt by apologising, but do not agree to take on the task.

brassick - if your DD2 has only just moved up to secondary school, I think you probably should focus on getting her on top of school organisation and pick up the domestic slack yourself for the time being ie I would do her tidying and housework and laundry in full, because if her room is in order it will make keeping on top of school organisation much easier for her.

I sort of agree about the room thing.

However, I could also tidy her room 2 or 3 times a day; as soon as I have tidied it (picked up the dirty clothes, put the rubbish into the bin, put her school books back where she can find them) she just starts the destruction again.

So I don't really think I'm teaching her anything useful by continuing to "allow" her to behave like this. And the room organisation is really part of the school organisation, in my mind.

She also tells me she HATES me tidying her room...

Once a day is enough - after that I think she is on her own.

I tidy my DSSs' room because it would be horrific otherwise, and I do their laundry and put in back in their cupboards. They have a benchmark problem - their mother lives in utter, utter chaos, and they have grown up thinking that it is normal to live in chaos, and normal to have a slave to pick up after them. Grrrrrrr.

'our overloaded diary with hundreds of clashes is not a good thing and often stresses me out.'

Litchick, you need to adopt my mantra this year: Just say no. Say no to everything they want to do unless they give a convincing reason and offer to drop something else.

So far we have nixed netball club, guides and many other things. I have taken myself OFF various volunteer rotas (still on three for various groups, though).

I work on the basis that we are all happier and healthier when my mental frame is better.

it looks to outsiders as if I am always on top of everything and must, therefore, owe them some of my spare time.

agree with this. i've found that having a mini meltdown one day where i just started being more honest with people ("no, i don't want to do that", "no, that's not convenient" - such simple phrases which people are guilt tripped into thinking THEY are the ones being unreasonable for saying!).... it has worked. Family and piss taking friends often look shocked that I'm so rude - they totally fail to see why i am the one being reasonable about what I do with my money/time/effort.

It's OK to be selfish sometimes - mums very often get it into their heads that they are about number 15 on a priority list. it doesn't have to be like that.

woops, that quote in bold was from Bonsoir. i seem to have mucked up the quoting. grr, hate mumsnet lack of proper quoting on the discussion forum!!