To feel like I am punished for being organised?

[brassick]

I seem to be surrounded by inefficient and disorganised people.

And because I am organised, I get put upon to help out other people.

For example, my stepmum has been asking me for ideas for my children for Christmas. That's absolutely fine and I am happy to help, but every time I go back with clear and definitive lists, I get more and more questions. Then she starts asking me about my sister-in-law's preferences.

Then my sister-in-law texts asking for ideas for my children and my dad and stepmum. Again, help given, followed by more questions.

My sister-in-law actually told me off for not telling her I was going to be giving her her dd's presents to put away for Christmas when they visited a couple of weeks ago. Apparently while I was wrapping them, I should have thought "hmmm, wonder if SIL has thought of this, perhaps I should let her know"

Next I go to choir, and my friend says "I've lost all of my Christmas books, can you photocopy all of the relevant pieces for me" . We're not talking a 2 minute job here - it will take me at least an hour to scan each page in and then print it out for 5 or 6 pieces.

And it goes on and on. If I forget someone's birthday it is seen as a slight. If my disorganised siblings remember, it is celebrated for years.

My life is extremely busy, I work full time in a job where my role is to organise everyone in the office, I am currently studying for a diploma by distance learning, I have 2 very busy dds who take part in many activities. I am a member of two choirs and on the committee for both. I manage to keep on top of things in my house and my life.

Because I am able to do this for myself, why should I also be expected to do it for other people who can't be bothered?

I had to sit there in choir the other night repeating in my head "other people have other qualities, they are not worse, just different" so I wouldn't just stand up and start randomly screaming...

Apologies for the rant, feel a little better now...

Do you have a plan in your head of what you want to happen, and then keep strict diaries?

• Yes, absolutely.

How do you decide when you are overstretched? And what goes? How do you decide what to prioritise.

• Socialising goes first - I decline dinners, children's parties, stuff like that because they are "one shot" ie there are rarely repercussions (unlike attendance at activities where commitment over time is important to the group). We are all often overstretched.

And what do you do when everything changes at the last moment?

• Cope! DP is also very good at this. Though our tolerance for some people's consistent disorganisation means that we also prioritise to whom we are indulgent and to whom we are not. And I can order takeways/stick all the sheets in the cleaners/put DD in the canteen etc to ease daily logistics on an urgent basis.

"Though our tolerance for some people's consistent disorganisation means that we also prioritise to whom we are indulgent and to whom we are not."

Excellent extra point.

heres how to cut down your workload...

to the choir lady - 'sorry I'm a bit busy at the moment but here borrow the music and you can photocopy it'

To SIL - 'OO you must let me know next year what you have bought for you kids so we don't double up'

In short - reflect everything back at them so its their responsibiity and not yours.

Maybe you could also draw up a present list for your kids and circulate it in October - include price and shop details. Let them work out who buys what from the list.

Another clash has reared its ugly head tonight-Christmas
Fayre at dd2's primary school & her regular choir rehearsal. Now because of other events she is missing some of next week's rehearsal & all of the week after. The following week is there Christmas concert. So I think she should be there tomorrow.

However "everyone" is going to the Fayre & she "hasn't been back to the school since she left" (neither has she mentioned it since she left!).

We are waiting to see what her friend is doing, but I hate this kind of clash, leads to all sort of disharmony (excuse the pun!)

Just look a bit bewildered and dishevelled - they may stop asking you.
I do this naturally and dont get hassled.

why do you imerse yourself in this tittle tattle and fret about it.get on with your own business and leave others to it

Aw, after all my moaning, just had a phonecall from another choir mother saying thank you for all the organising I've done in relation to one event coming up.

All I did was make a form and email it to everyone...but really nice to be appreciated.

Eh? Immerse myself in tittle tattle? I don't know what you mean?

There has been no tittle tattle, (unless you are referring to what dd said, but that was for illustrative purposes)

thread is she/he said.you had to do x,y,z.descriptive narratives of other peoples business and how it impinges or affects you

sounds like you actually kind of like being involved and able to participate.

Still not sure what you mean, but yes, I do like being involved in things & take it upon myself to do so.

What I don't appreciate is other people assuming that because I have chosen to do these things that I am happy to do random things that they assume it would be "easy" or "quick" for me to do.

I don't moan about the things I have volunteered for, quite rightly if I did then everyone would have the right to say "don't offer if you can't do it". And generally I don't.

op complaining about impositions and disorganised folk, and you having to sort things out

it isnt a criticism but obviously by habitually sorting stuff before people will ask again.

you are capable but you can say no if you wish

TOtally can't relate to you, being a disorganised harridan, but I like to think that I woudln't take advantage of organised people. If I knew any.

You are right scottishmummy, and this is my issue that I need to get my head round - it's my inner insecurity that makes me want to make people like me...

And TheProfiteroleThief that is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

It's like dd2's bedroom. She doesn't tidy it, I can't bear it, so I tidy it. So she doesn't tidy it...

I think it's a cycle I need to break myself out of. Not easy though.

for as long as you put yourself out for others unfortunately some chancer is going to leave it to you

it is a skill to politely but firmly decline.

and you describe a wonderful array of activities just dont get burdened by impositions from others

Sad world though when you have to look out for the "chancers"...

if it feels an imposition you need to protect self.and yes some folk will acquiesce and allow others to do for them.chancers

re: Another clash has reared its ugly head tonight-Christmas
Fayre at dd2's primary school & her regular choir rehearsal. Now because of other events she is missing some of next week's rehearsal & all of the week after. The following week is there Christmas concert. So I think she should be there tomorrow.

OK - see, I'm assuming DD is over 11 if she's left primary school, apologies if she's younger and has just moved to another one.

Now, does she want to be in the choir or do you want her to be in the choir?

If she wants to be in the choir, surely it should be that you will take her and bring her back if she wants to do it, if she doesn't, then you won't. But why are you deciding if she needs to go or not? If she doesn't, then she'll get in trouble from the choir master, won't get solos, might be asked to leave. It's her responsibility, not yours. Tell her it's her choice. You aren't going to cover for her, or help her catch up. But what the hell are you doing getting stressed about her social life?

If you really can't be arse with the Fayre, tell her you won't take her. If she doesn't want to go to choir, then she doesn't have to go (her choice, life lesson about making bad choices if she gets her words wrong at the concert etc), but you aren't going to take her to the fayre. If another parent wants to take her, let them, but you don't have to manage your DD's life. Let her manage her own.

Choir woman, ping her a message saying you don't have the time. Do it now, you'll feel a lot better. What's the worst that can happen?

OK, agreed about choir - my responsibility to point out the issues, her responsibility to make the decision (she is 11, yr 7 by the way).

However, where the child is "flaky" (ie turns up only randomly, wrong clothes, wrong music or whatever), I always imagine the choir leaders / other parents judging me, not her.

Maybe that's just me judging by my own standards and I'm a horrid judgy-pants fool (because I know that it's not necessarily the parent's fault because of my own situation with dd).

Oh, this is better than psychoanalysis...

If you organise your DD for her whole life, she'll become an adult and not know how to organise herself as it's always been done for her.

Also, if the choir leader and/or other parents judge you for not sorting your DD out, then so what, why do you care what they think?

I think that, if you want your DC to grow up knowing how to organise themselves, you must:

(a) lead by example

(b) organise their lives with them, rather than for them, and very gradually reduce the organisational support you give them on a task-by-task basis until they can manage multiple tasks with competence

Going back rather a long way to the OP, where people ask for ideas for presents for anyone who is not yourself or your children: it's not only a bit cheeky of them to ask you, but also a bit presumptuous of you to answer. You're organised, energetic and thoughtful, but you're not telepathic. I put it to you that it would not only be in your interests, but in fact the right thing to do, to reply "I'm sorry, I can't answer for [stepmother/cousin/friend], you'll have to ask them".

After all, if they buy something at your instigation and it turns out to be the wrong thing, who's going to get the blame?

Bonsoir - very wise.
My Mother is uber organised. And because I am an only child and my Father was hopelessly disorganised, she just did everything.
It all sort of happened invisibly.

Now I need to teach myself and my children how to be organised.

At recent parents evening one of DD's teachers said DD was disorganised and that he was trying to impress upon her that no one is ever successful that way. DD was very put out. Her veiw is that both her her Father and Mother are very successful thank you very much.

Since then I've been trying to show her that though that is true, it is much easier if you are organised. That our overloaded diary with hundreds of clashes is not a good thing and often stresses me out.

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