To feel like I am punished for being organised?

[brassick]

I seem to be surrounded by inefficient and disorganised people.

And because I am organised, I get put upon to help out other people.

For example, my stepmum has been asking me for ideas for my children for Christmas. That's absolutely fine and I am happy to help, but every time I go back with clear and definitive lists, I get more and more questions. Then she starts asking me about my sister-in-law's preferences.

Then my sister-in-law texts asking for ideas for my children and my dad and stepmum. Again, help given, followed by more questions.

My sister-in-law actually told me off for not telling her I was going to be giving her her dd's presents to put away for Christmas when they visited a couple of weeks ago. Apparently while I was wrapping them, I should have thought "hmmm, wonder if SIL has thought of this, perhaps I should let her know"

Next I go to choir, and my friend says "I've lost all of my Christmas books, can you photocopy all of the relevant pieces for me" . We're not talking a 2 minute job here - it will take me at least an hour to scan each page in and then print it out for 5 or 6 pieces.

And it goes on and on. If I forget someone's birthday it is seen as a slight. If my disorganised siblings remember, it is celebrated for years.

My life is extremely busy, I work full time in a job where my role is to organise everyone in the office, I am currently studying for a diploma by distance learning, I have 2 very busy dds who take part in many activities. I am a member of two choirs and on the committee for both. I manage to keep on top of things in my house and my life.

Because I am able to do this for myself, why should I also be expected to do it for other people who can't be bothered?

I had to sit there in choir the other night repeating in my head "other people have other qualities, they are not worse, just different" so I wouldn't just stand up and start randomly screaming...

Apologies for the rant, feel a little better now...

They're not really invitations as such, Bonsoir, mostly things they've been picked for at school.
They're the sort of kids who are in everything - all sports teams, drama, choir etc.
And I am glad they get all these opportunities, really I am, I just feel very stretched.
And even then, if I have proper notice we can manage...it's just the last minute chnages that tip the balance.

Not helped of course by the fact that DH works long hours and is often away.

And my work of course...

You can say no and you should do. Right, your challenge for this weekend - say 'no' at least once before Monday morning. Come back and tell us what it was.

why say yes and then seethe.you arent put upon you are just not being assertive enough.

but until you say "unfortunately no" people will continue to chance their arm

We all have to learn to manage our time and prioritise - it's a key skill. Being the sort of child who joins in everything is fine, but they also have to learn to prioritise.

i keep it all in pc and my filofax.am v organised

You're right, I know, Bonsoir.

I just don't know where to start.

I think if you saw our family itinerary, you'd laugh me off MNet.

My family has immensely complex logistics - honestly, in France the logistics of children's schools and activities are unheard of in an English setting. Plus blended families, so managing lots of adult agendas, etc. I spend enormous amounts of time pinning people down months ahead of time. It's a big job of itself - don't underestimate how much time it takes to manage a family's movements and commitments.

Your kids sound like mine Litchick - in everything.

And I know that this kind of thing is so enriching for them, and they get so much enjoyment out of it that I am keen for them to join as much as they can.

But really my main gripe is this general belief by disorganised people that my life must be easy because I am never late (well, almost never), never forget things, always do what I say I will when I said I would (or let them know if I'm not going to be able to).

A friend made a pointed comment on my facebook status the other day - I said something about being in 2 choirs, and she said "yes, I know, you did mention it. Wish I had the time". As though I sit around eating grapes all day.

I know for a fact she doesn't work full time, has a supportive partner, has an ex who has the kids every other weekend and parents who look after them for her.

But the implication is that her life is much harder than mine...maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but why does all of my hard work go un-noticed?

why do you feel compelled to do for others?why cant you politely decline

We have google calendars for each member of the family, plus one for "family" things and one for food.

They are available online and on mine & dh's phones, and when I update them from one source (phone, iPad, desktop, netbook) they are updated for all.

Couldn't live without them.

Have set one up for dd2's choir for all parents to access so they know what's going on when, what they need to wear, what they're singing etc etc.

Not rocket science, but the reactions I got are unbelievable, you'd think I'd invented the wheel! (I was chuffed to get so much positive feedback though)

Do you have a plan in your head of what you want to happen, and then keep strict diaries?

How do you decide when you are overstretched? And what goes? How do you decide what to prioritise.

And what do you do when everything changes at the last moment?

Sorry, bombarding you, but with Christmas approaching I can see trouble ahead with all the extra commitments of advent services and drama productions etc.

OP, it is annoying to have to think of present lists for everyone (I do this for DH: his, DS's, my, my family's and his family's presents), so perhaps you could just say you are out of ideas (except for yourself and those you really love! ).

That's a good start, and other posters have definitely identified another candidate for a "no" - feckless choir woman!

There was a really good thread about a lady who had retired early, only for her family to start loading her up with Things She Must Do, and she was getting very sick of it. Here.

We had a great time, composing lists of reasons for her NOT to do things. For example, she is drunk, so cannot drive to collect someone's drycleaning and a takeaway and drive someone to town to mosey around the shops....

So perhaps you need to take up drinking in the evenings, so you can't go out and do more for people!

Brassick - you sound fabulous. I wish you were my friend.
But then I'd probably be one of the feckless women you're posting about

Well feckless choir lady (who is really a good person) said she would email me with the list of songs she needs copying. So far she hasn't emailed me, and normally I would send her a reminder , but perhaps I won't.

One of the big problems I have is that if I don't organise people, it is me that will pay later - eg choir lady will email me at the last minute with the list so it will make me late, or not able to do something else because of having to do this (although as we have identified, I should just tell her no...)

Or if I don't keep dd2's bedroom tidy, she won't be able to find something she needs at the last moment, which could lead to me being late going somewhere...

I think I'm a hopeless case.

brassic - I'm with you on the 'pointed comments' - I get this a lot - I am the sort of person who genuinely enjoys being on committees (even PTA !), baking cakes, organising raffles, voluntary work etc etc but a number of people often say in quite a cutting way 'you've obviously got the time to do that sort of thing' - I know everyone is busy but the same people are often those who watch every episode of X Factor, spend hours on Facebook, go night clubbing or whatever. I can hardly point that out to them without lookin ultra rude so I end up feeling a real goody-goody .

Thanks Litchick.

To be honest, you sound pretty organised to me...

As to how I decide when we are overstretched, er, not sure really, I suppose it hasn't happened yet - we are a 2 child, 2 parent family, so we can "divide and conquer" more easily.

DH works in a v flexible job (mine isn't really), so can leave early to do lifts etc which really helps.

I live by my tasks list (Toodledo.com) and my calendar. As I get older I have no memory, so everything has to be written down. Dates go into the calendar as soon as they are finalised. I tend to prioritise one of dd's choirs over the other cos I like it better , and do the same with mine cos I've been in it longer.

I am constantly assessing what I need to get done, and what time I have available to do it - for example, I am out on Friday night, and dd2 & I are in a show on Saturday, we need to be there by 10am, so I will get all the stuff for that ready tonight, as I won't have time tomorrow.

Have to admit, I am on facebook quite often, but that's cos I do it on my phone while I am doing other things / waiting around for one or other of the dd's etc.

If choir lady emails you at the last minute, you don't have to be late - she has created a clash, and that is not your fault.

Best reason to say "no" to favours is to already be doing something (even if it's fictitious, or a piece of time "blocked out" in case something important needs to be done).

"but the same people are often those who watch every episode of X Factor, spend hours on Facebook, go night clubbing or whatever. I can hardly point that out to them without lookin ultra rude so I end up feeling a real goody-goody grin."

Ooooh, so right, Ragwort! One of the reasons I "never" watch Strictly whatever, X-Fctor, etc. is the enormous* amount of time-commitment needed.

Rather than waiting for the choir lady to get in touch, why not preempt her? Could be your first step in taking control.

You could say: 'you mentioned you needed the pieces copied - you are more than welcome to pop in and get the books to get them copied, unfortunately I'm not going to get a chance to copy them before the next rehearsal'

Or if that felt to brutal a move, you could send her a time limit: 'If you get me the list of songs by xx time then I'll have a chance to copy them for you, otherwise you are very welcome to pop in and get them to copy them', or even miss off the last bit - let me know by xx or I'm sorry, life is too busy at the moment and I just won't be able to copy them.

Taking control in the sense of controlling other people's view of you as 'the person who sorts things out' - sounds like you are well under control in other ways!

I'd be tempted to e-mail the choir lady at some point and say something along the lines of: As I have not yet received the list you said you'd send, I'm afraid I will no longer have time to get this done.

And I don't think I'd trust her with my stuff to do the copying herself either, if she's managed to mislay all her own stuff.

Sorry but it is another of my pet hates that people assume that because I choose to go on facebook (or MN!) or watch Strictly that I must have loads of spare time. I use my hard disk recorder very wisely - another great way to keep organised & watch things when I choose, not when the scheduler does.

Like everything else I do, I factor them into my timetable - surely I'm allowed some time for me? Most days I don't sit down until 10 o'clock in the evening...

Any way, the choir lady's in for a bit of discipline!