going to work when you have preschool age children is a cop out if you are just doing it because you dont want to be at home?

[onc]

There have been lots of times that I have thought about returning to work but I feel that doing so mainly or just because I'm not enjoying being home, have PND etc is a cop out?

Thoughts?

I have to say I think staying at home full time in the long run is really hard unless it totally suits you.
You can lose all sense of yourself and lose any hope of getting back to work.
I think people have little idea how incredibly lonely and isolating being a sahm can be particularly now when it's going to be so much harder to get back to work at all.

we all do what works for us.thats what really matters

and two way jealousy often drives the more vicious posts on these subject imo.

stealth the OP used a lot of 'you' in her title thread and subsequent posts, hence why I and others sensed a judgemental tone rather than an isolated questions related to her own specific circumstances

No, I can completely see why it happened, but just could see the OP was talking about her situation and the way she felt people would judge her iyswim, rather than her sitting in judgement on others.

Yes iswym. Guess it's a very touchy subject for a lot of people!

Yes, if the OP is genuinely talking about herself, it didn't come across that way (and comments about "hitting on something" didn't make it seem like she meant herself). If she actually is depressed, she needs to speak to GP or HV or someone that can assist her.

But again, AIBU is perhaps not the best place to seek help either. She might have found support in other areas (mental health, child development, employment, etc).

I work because I want to.

End of

I see that you didn't want to do your job forever so maybe staying at home is the cop out? I work part-time and think that it works well and helps me to be a better mum. That and the fact I have been trained at tax-payers expense and maybe staying at home full time wouldn't be right.

I went back to work because I was miserable at home (no PND at all - I was just bored). We moved abroad when DD 6 months or so, so I only managed to go back to work when she was nearly 18 months (had to sort out the move, find a job in a new country etc).

Life is more complicated since I started work again, but it is overall much better: the time we now spend together is focussed on fun stuff she wants to do (instead of me "helicoptering" her), I am a much calmer mum (no shouting or nagging continuously), and her behaviour is a lot better (she is just inder 2 and a half).

I look back now and I readily admit that I was not a very good mum to her when I was at home; now, I am far better and she has certainly benefitted from her fab kindergarden. I wish mothers felt a lot more "free" to say how they really feel about motherhood without being judged for it - we are all different and whilst some are incredibly happy being a SAHM, some of us are not. What we all have in common is unconditional love for our LOs.

I have always worked. For very little when the DDs were young, and I was paying nanny and nursery. It enabled me to stay on the career ladder and my career has now taken off. Had I stayed at home until they went to school, I would have been bored silly and have returned to work at my earlier level. No improvement in our standard of living.

AIBU to think that this has been a much better long term option for us, as we now have a vasstly better standard of living than we would have done if I had been a SAHM?

Minervaitalica, great post.

May I also add that, with benefit of hindsight, really it is not very important for your children's long term happiness and well being how many hours they were left at nursery/with grandma etc when they were little.

I've done all combinations with my own children and they are all adjusted individuals so far, as they are well cared for, loved etc...

I really think we get so hung up on these things when they are little and then looking back we realise that it wasn't worth all that heartache, honestly.

The problem with being a mother is that you get criticised for whatever choice you make, so no point in worrying about that. Just do what you want to do.

I remember the barrage of sneidy and sometimes downright rude comments I received the first time I sent my two young children to spend 3 weeks abroad with my parents. There was the "oh my god are you sure" "I would never to that" and many "I love my children too much to do that" - as it turns out they do it every year and all look forward to it now as the highlight of their summer holidays. But to listen to other people I was the cruel mother from hell.

I personally don't like the phrase "copping out"in this context, it's not like you are abandoning your children into the care system - it's not about cop outs, it's about choices.

Onc, it's not a cop out at all and if you think you'd like a job then you should feel able to do that, for yourself. You don't stop existing as a woman once you become a mother.

If earning isn't your primary reason, how about trying some voluntary work? You might get a lot out of it and be able to do something that interests you. Or studying perhaps?

Do you think your DH/family would support you in that?

boring first post if you ask me.

I think you have to look at each situation on an individual basis and what works best for you and your family. Many kids love going to childcare if a parent goes back to work.

I have had similar experience to that of minervaitalica - I think I'm a much better mum (considerably more energetic and fun for one thing) now that I am back at work. And also, I now absolutely love the time that I spend with dd, which I didn't before.

So OP (assuming you are being straightforward when you say this is about your own situation) I don't think that you should feel guilty, or that you are copping out, if you go back to work. You may even find that your dc love being in childcare for some of the time (dd sure as hell does). You'll still be doing an awful lot for your dc and your family as a whole. Making sure that YOU are happy as well as everyone else is a part of that.

It sounds like you are being very self critical. Unnecessarily so imo. I don't think there is anything wrong in this day and age with getting a job simply to get out of the house.

As it is, I work for money, not necessarily out of desperate need. We could probably scale down our lives and cope on one salary, but then I would miss out on making my own contribution to the world, however small.

Work and pre-schoolers (or even schoolers) is a very tiring combination. It can feel like you are thanklessly treadmilling your life away.

But to me you need a lot of get up and go to be a SAHM and to survive. Respect for those who can or who have family/friends networks that help that.

Not for me. And I dearly love my kids.