I intend to abide by the mnet majority on this.

[FlameGrilledMama]

My sister 9yo is spoilt she is never told no and gets very jealous if me and my mum spend any time together. E.G when I was in labor because my mums attentions were focused on me she smashed all my cds to get attention, this does not bother me I am 23 however this is really effecting my DC.

When ds was small she liked playing with him because he stayed in the room with me and she didn't have to leave me and my mum alone when he started wanting to play further away my sister refused to play with him and wanted to play with me and my mum and ignore my DS my mum would say go and play and my sister would make my DS scared to leave the room by telling him there were monsters upstairs. The reason I know it was because me and my mum were together is because when my mum was not there she would not do it and would choose to play with DS without any coercion.

When DD was born my sister would only want to hold my DD and would be quite nasty to my DS saying I have not come to play with you but to play with DD. So I started limiting she could only hold DD for 30 minutesand then as DS would be upset she would play with him for 30minutes. She would hold DD and then say she felt ill and my DS would be left crying for hours. So I said she could not visit again until after DS had settled and accepted DD. My mum had a big argument over how upset my sister was and would pop in on the pretense of helping. I then started leaving my sister hold dd but everyone else leaving the room she would keep calling everyone and crying that she was afraid to be left on her own with DD.

This argument has been continuing since DD is 14months now and the rules in my house are you either play with none or both I don't care whether you play with them both together or you can spend 30 minutes with one then 30minutes with the other. If you are ill (I look after her if she is ill so my mum can work) you can sit on the settee and read and watch 1 film but again if she is well enough to play with DD she is well enough to play with DS age4.

Today she said she was ill and had a bad eye she could not see out of it so was going tostay home with me but last night DS had a bad cough and so is off school when my sister discovered this she said I don't want to go up big sisters because she will make me play with DS all day and I will get more rest in school. Now my mum is having a go that I am overly harsh and I should not force her to play with DS that it is cruel. I don't think she was ill at all I asked about her eye last night and she 'what do you mean? oh right yes it is still really sore' and commenced blinking.

Are my rules unreasonable play with both Dc or neither and if you are too ill to play with either child (which is fine but you are too ill to play with both) you sit quietly and color or read and watch one film. AIBU

xpost, I see that it's not really a case of being spoiled.

Families are such hard work!

Oh dear. Hugs all round.

That is why I posted here as I wondered if I were jealous and being mean my sister does have a lot of problems and my mum will not tell her no where I was only ever told no so it is different and not neglect but she wants my sister to love her where I cannot and she is scared to tell her no in case my sister turns out like me.

She is my only sibling HTH.

Good crikey, sounds as though you could all do with some family counselling!

Am :( for you that you had such a rough time with your mum, and it must be galling now to see your sis being lavished with affection and given in to at every turn, so maybe there is a bit of resentment there too - but I don't think that means you are being unfair to your sis in expecting her to be fair to your DC.

Is there any way you can limit the time you have to spend with your Dsis? Are you her default childcare person when she's off school, is that because your mum works?

Just thinking that it might be nice for your DS to have some space away from her as well during the day.

she sounds a brat op

sounds jealous with the incident when you were in labour,probably dosent like it bacause shes not the baby in the family anymore

Wow, this is complicated isn't it?

On the one hand you have your DS being upset by your sister and nobody wants to see that, especially when it sounds like she is being quite cruel, maybe not deliberately, but that is the effect she is having. I would agree, get the school to stop her interfering with your DS at school - he needs his friends and shouldn't be responsible for making a 9 yo happy. Other than that don't set rules at home about who should play with who. They are hard to police and will cause you more hassle and it won't make your DS feel any better if your sister is forced to play with him and does so grudgingly.

Then you have your relationship with your mother and sister. FWIW, I don't think you sound jealous, if you are you hide it well. I think you can see that the way your sister is being brought up is not good for her. Your mother has to set some ground rules. Where is your father is all this? Is he still around. I wonder if he should be involved more is your sister is getting away with things she shouldn't. Not brushing her teeth and eating badly are issues. Your mother needs to be told but I am not sure you are the person who should be doing the telling. She will take anything you say as double criticism - criticism of the way she is bringing up your sister and of the way she brought you up.

I can't get my head around it all really. It all sounds really sad.

Thumbwitch is probably right - maybe family counselling is the way forward. Your sister sounds like she has attachment issues with your mother. I don't think you can sort them out yourself - you are too close and you are caught in the fall out of their relationship where your sister is resentful of your relationship with your mother and it is having knock on effects with your children.

Does your mother still a mental health social worker who could help (apologies I don't know the correct terminology). Could her GP help?

I do find it like a knife through my heart sometimes as my mum openly says my sister needs her more than I did because she is more clingy that is why I didn't mention the history so I could find out if I fel resentment about this.

Basically my sister rules when DD was born I would want to take her back so I could sleep I had only had her 24 hours ago and my sister was holding her for about 3 hours my DS was crying because his auntie didn't want to play with him I tried to play with him and my sister screamed that she was being left out. They visited everyday for two weeks and the same thing happened if I went out to play with my crying DS I was leaving her out if I put DD down and said she was not to be held anymore I was stopping my sister bonding with her and if I said I needed a few days break to settle my family and rest I was being cruel. I cannot win.

If my sister cries I dont want to go to school she doesn't if she says I don't want to go to bed she doesn't if she says I want to hold big sisters 24hour old baby for hours on end and everyone sit around all day then that is what my mum expects to happen. I care for my sister after school every day and all school holidays there is no break for DS and when he does play in school she pulls him away from his friends and then abandons him so he is alone.

If my mum plays with him she goes berserk and I cant get a break at all to help my ds learn to make friends I just want to scream and my sister constantly tellinghim he is boring and no one likes to play with him is really not helping.

My mothers MH issues are sorted out now and she does not have any support. My sisters father is a useless waste of fucking space.

The school thing has to stop. Your DS needs some space from your sister because he doesn't sound like he is getting it home.

And it is all very well your sister being allowed to stay home from school if she is ill but you are the one picking up the slack, not your mother.

I am actually beginning to think you need to stop being available all the time to be a second mother to your sister. It is all very well you helping out but your children are being caught up in this and being pushed aside so your sister can be indulged.

I am tempted to suggest that you don't look after your sister quite so much - you can't do this every day. What your mother have to say about that? Is it even possible for her financially?

Agree with niecie - yor DS needs a break from his aunt, desperately, as she is not good for him.

Your mother's MH issues might be overtly resolved but she is not parenting your sis well. Giving in to a child's every whim "so that she will love her" is so very wrong - she needs boundaries and rules. If your mother won't parent her properly, it is not your place to do so, especially with your mother's interference in that - BUT you need to stand up for your own family's rights and get the child out of your home more. I realise that will be hard - especially if you are trying to create more of a relationship with your mother - but it's just not fair on your DC, especially your DS. What about when your DD gets older and starts seeing the way your niece treats him? Is she going to follow suit? Probably!

You sound like a really caring mum - but YOUR mum needs to sort herself out with regards to your sis. Get her into after-school clubs, holiday clubs, anything so your DS has some peace.

No it is not possible financially but my mum would just give up work rather than say no to my sister which in the long run would harm her more.

Sometimes I get so sick and tired like there is no point fighting this battle alone. I say no the children cannot have sweets before dinner my sister cries and then my mum has a go at me for interfering and not respecting her wishes, lately I have been tempted to just let her have her way instead of her sitting there refusing to eat until she has had sweets and getting up and leaving the table and kicking and scraeming and then after dinner when she has not eaten a bite of hers I say no you cannot have sweets you did not eat your dinner and I am being cruel and interfering.

My mum recently moved just after DD was born to the same street so now they have even more contact. I might have a word with my nan and see if my nan can pick up some of the slack and then I can spend some time with DS. i am going to insist the school stops my sister taking him from his classmates as well.

TBH I think you're being taken for a ride, giving free childcare every day and all the holidays and everytime she's ill?

Your mum's taking the piss imo.

FGM - you cannot take responsibility for your mum. If she has to give up work, or go part time to look after your sis, then she has to do that. So many other people have to!

If your mum expects you to look after your sis in a parental fashion on a daily basis, then I think you should be able to lay down some ground rules on how she behaves - including the sweets before dinner issue. If your DC aren't allowed them, then she shouldn't have them either. If your mum wants her to have sweets before dinner, then your mum should be the one feeding her dinner.

I know you know this - and I know you are doing the best you can - but you are being held to ransom here and it has to stop before your DS gets really hurt by it.

Hope your nan can help out.

What a nightmare.

I would speak to your Mum and tell her that it is your house and your rules. If she doesn't like it - she can find alternative care for madam your sister.

Explain to her that she isn't doing her DD any favours by turning her into a spoilt, demanding, manipulating little madam.

Why should your son suffer because she refuses to parent her DD properly?

OP, you HAVE to put your DC first.

Your mum is her own problem, and if she is neglecting this poor sister of yours, then call SS, call her HV, anyone.

She buggered up your upbringing, she is buggering up your sister's childhoiod, FGS don't let her poison seep into your DC lives.

she has to take responsibility for her own daughter, this child can attend before and afterschool sessions, you don't have to do this.

Seriously, after the life you have lead thanks to this woman, you don't owe her your first and second borne.

Be brave, protect your DC

FGM - do you have a partner? Could he back you up and force the 'your house, your rules' as well. You do sound like you are stuck in the middle and need somebody on your side (apart from a load of MNers hurling advice at you from all directions that is. )

I have a very supportive pertner and it was actually him who stopped my muum and sister coming round after I had DD as I was making myself ill. DP gets very annoyed with the situation.

I will speak with my nan and I may enrole DS into some clubs like swimming and karate and gymnastics. My sister will not want to go and sit with me while we watch DS and my mum will cut back her hours, DS gets given more chance to communicate with children and I get a break and can sit there with DD and relax and watch DS having fun. I think this might work and I am hoping that as my sister is 9yo and will be 10 this year she will be going to comprehensive a year September and then I will not do any childcare, and Ds will get much more of a break.

Sounds like a good set of plans there FGM - as I said before, I hope your nan can help out. Especially as it's not that long until Christmas holidays and it would be nice for your DS to get a break over it.

Brilliant idea FGM! works all round!

My nan will help out if I tell her I am struggeling but she also works and it is more a case of how much she can help out. Thank you right I am writing it down so I have a plan.

Limit contact with DS
No forcing of playing with both children
Speak to school
Ask my Nan to help out
Get DS in some fun clubs
Get some colours and cooking things to play with DS when I am minding my sister.

Hopefully this will make things a lot better and make DS happier.

Thanks everyone for advice I am much ahppier now I have a way to help sor all this out

Looks good FGM - would also recommend you add to your list:
"Have words discussion with mum about how sis is to behave when in my care and explain that she has to conform to house rules"

I think I will chicken out on that one and get my nan to speak to her with me My nan can be a force to be reckoned with