I intend to abide by the mnet majority on this.

[FlameGrilledMama]

My sister 9yo is spoilt she is never told no and gets very jealous if me and my mum spend any time together. E.G when I was in labor because my mums attentions were focused on me she smashed all my cds to get attention, this does not bother me I am 23 however this is really effecting my DC.

When ds was small she liked playing with him because he stayed in the room with me and she didn't have to leave me and my mum alone when he started wanting to play further away my sister refused to play with him and wanted to play with me and my mum and ignore my DS my mum would say go and play and my sister would make my DS scared to leave the room by telling him there were monsters upstairs. The reason I know it was because me and my mum were together is because when my mum was not there she would not do it and would choose to play with DS without any coercion.

When DD was born my sister would only want to hold my DD and would be quite nasty to my DS saying I have not come to play with you but to play with DD. So I started limiting she could only hold DD for 30 minutesand then as DS would be upset she would play with him for 30minutes. She would hold DD and then say she felt ill and my DS would be left crying for hours. So I said she could not visit again until after DS had settled and accepted DD. My mum had a big argument over how upset my sister was and would pop in on the pretense of helping. I then started leaving my sister hold dd but everyone else leaving the room she would keep calling everyone and crying that she was afraid to be left on her own with DD.


This argument has been continuing since DD is 14months now and the rules in my house are you either play with none or both I don't care whether you play with them both together or you can spend 30 minutes with one then 30minutes with the other. If you are ill (I look after her if she is ill so my mum can work) you can sit on the settee and read and watch 1 film but again if she is well enough to play with DD she is well enough to play with DS age4.

Today she said she was ill and had a bad eye she could not see out of it so was going tostay home with me but last night DS had a bad cough and so is off school when my sister discovered this she said I don't want to go up big sisters because she will make me play with DS all day and I will get more rest in school. Now my mum is having a go that I am overly harsh and I should not force her to play with DS that it is cruel. I don't think she was ill at all I asked about her eye last night and she 'what do you mean? oh right yes it is still really sore' and commenced blinking.

Are my rules unreasonable play with both Dc or neither and if you are too ill to play with either child (which is fine but you are too ill to play with both) you sit quietly and color or read and watch one film. AIBU

[thumbwitch]

Fair enough!

[strandedatseasonsgreetings]

I am really glad FGM. As I was reading one of your posts about how your sister behaves at mealtimes I was smiling to myself as she sounds so much like my 2-year-old. But then we expect 2-yr-olds to behave like this. Perhaps you need to put her in the naughty corner next time

Seriously though, if you can find some way to implement some rules in your house (eg no sweets, healthy food etc) you will be helping your sister in the long run.

Good luck!

[FlameGrilledMama]

I don't actually like allowing sweets every night or making them sound like a treat by saying no sweets till after dinner, but the no sweets before dinner was a compromise so it was not to big a adjustment for my sister.

[NurseSunshine]

Why on earth was the school speaking to you about your sister's disruptive behaviour? She is your mother's child. They need to speak to her.

Sister sounds spoilt but also extremely needy and probably adversely affected by your mother's and her father's behaviour as well, just in a different way to you. The best thing anyone could do for her, and everyone she has to be around, is to discipline her and give her structure and ground rules. That's her parent's job, not yours. You're a young mother two young children of your own, you don't need to take on someone else's kid as well, even if it is your sister.

I would definitely limit her time with your DCs, and to supervised time only.

[NurseSunshine]

RE sweets, you can just make a blanket rule, no sweets in the house and she will learn that she must abide by other people's rules when she is a guest in their house.

I think stranded made a good point (although you may have been joking!) about naughty step, or whatever you do with your DCs. If she misbehaves then there should be consequences.

[FlameGrilledMama]

You are right strandedatseasongreetings I find it hard to know what is acceptable beahviour of a 9yo because I don't have a 9yo. But I find it frustrating when my 4YO Ds is better behaved than my 9YO sister which I am sure is not right.

NurseSunshine they speak to me because I pick her up from school. Also it was DS teacher who had a problem with it so she spoke to me said maybe I could have a word with my sister she does have friends herself but also gets bullied.

[FlameGrilledMama]

I think I will give the naughty step a try it sounds like it might be the way to go instead of expecting her to behave like a 9YO in my house to start from the beggining and build rules up thank you NurseSunshine that may actually really help.

[WhyHavePets]

Op, I am afraid I haven't time to go through the whole thread but I want to respond to the op as I feel there are rather a lot of answers that I disagree with (and I like a balanced view!)

Basically, I think YANBU. It is not fair to leave one child out, yes one could be more fun than another but that changes nothing. I expect my dc to do this and always have done, my youngest is now 6. I also look after a friends dd on occasion. I expect her to split her time as well, she is also just 6. Her mother totally backs me on this (and therules are the same in her house). Leaving someone out is not on and is a behaviour that should not be condoned at any age. Leavin gout is a classical starting point for bullying amoungst other things.

One thing I would say is that it is much less instinctive for an only child to split their time and be "fair" as they have not been bought up like this from day one as they would be in a larger family. Essentially your dsis is an only given the age gap so I would say you are correct but that she may need a bit more support in getting this behaviour right than you expect.

Another point is that expecting her to trail around after your son is unfair. Yes she should play with him but she should be able to choose the game/location as well as him. That is important as it helps him learn to share/compromise and so on as well as her.

[Niecie]

FGM - good luck! I sounds like a good plan and I really hope your Nan can help out, even if it is just taking your mum in hand. She might be the best person to do it. And great that your partner understands too. It must be tough on him as well with your sister around so much. You will all feel so much better if this gets sorted out and the pressure is lifted off you a bit.

[Lulumaam]

I think it is grossly unfair that you have to look after your sister if she is unwell - she could make your own small DCs poorly - or simply doesn't want to go to school

and oyu have her after school and in the hols? and what do you get back? a load of aggro and upset for your own DCs

i would tell your mum she needs to find a childminder or after school care and start saying no !

it is not healthy

[FlameGrilledMama]

Whyhavepets There are only baby friendly toys in the living room because of the choking risk. DS will play barbies if you ask him so my sister is quite free to choose any game she wants but if she wants to play with either her or DS toys she has to go into the playroom. The playroom is right next door so I can hear misbehaviour. There are also toys upstairs but Ds will play anything anywhere.

The reason I said she has to play with DS is because I thought it was unfair to play with DD and tell DS he could not join in. When I said they had to let him play to she said she likes quality time with DD so I said play with them both seperate and I will distract DS. I saw it the same as if DS and DD want to play with the same toy I make them share. But I am apperintly in the minority so I will adjust accordingly. I do see your point about things being harder than I realise.

[peeringintothevoid]

Flame this has been an interesting thread to read; the background has slowly come into focus, and the real issues become clear. I don't think you've been drip-feeding info though.

YANBU; it's a really difficult situation for you when your Dsis is monopolising so much time and energy and emotion in your household, at the expense of your DS. I agree with the good advice given on here, especially that your house = your rules. If your mum doesn't like it, then she can find alternative childcare!

I think it's pointless trying to force Dsis to play with DS, and it sounds as if he needs to become less reliant on her for company and play. If you feel that Dsis is monopolising DD, could you start playing a game with DS and tempt DD to join you (you must know what will attract her attention?). Then Dsis can either join in with you all, or go and find something to do on her own.

I would also speak to the school about the issue in the playground, and ask them for support in ensuring that she can't wall off DS like that.

Your plan of action sounds fantastic, just be careful that she doesn't demand to do the activities too - at your expense. Your mum sounds as though she's really taking advantage of you, and needs a reality check. I hope your nan can help in that regard. Good luck.

[tethersend]

FGM, I would see if you can redevelop your role as a sister, rather than as a mother IYSWIM.

If you could spend some 1:1 time with your sister on a regular basis (perhaps your mum could have your two?), make a fuss of her and make her feel like she's the best sister in the world, I think it could really help her and help you to step out of the mothering role you've had to take on.

Good luck.

[FlameGrilledMama]

Thank you peering I will give the idea of trying to play with DS and DD thank you.

I didn't mean to drip feed I wanted a honest evaluation of my behaviour and I thought if I mentioned the other things I would get a biased view.

tethersend you may have hit the nail on the head there when my sister was young I was in fact like a mother to her when I was 15 I had to care for her for my mother to work nights and I think you are correct in that we have both got my role confused. I think I may need to step completely back for a few weeks and address my role.

[FlameGrilledMama]

Also I don't recieve moneu for my care but my mum will mind my children and because I don't drive she will give me a lift whenever I need one. So I do get some things out of the relationship. Also other than issues around my Dsis my mum is very supportive and we have no other problems.

[thisisyesterday]

FGM, don't have much to add as I think you've had great advice on here already.
I read the OP with the intention of giving a yabu/yanbu response... buit i couldn't! it was too complicated, so have just sat and read the whole thread

i think your plan of action is good. I definitely think you need a "my house, my rules" chat with your mum if she starts having a go at you
i would also just not have any sweets in the house at all.

if sister starts tantrumming then just say "please get down from the table until you can behave nicely."
or "when you're ready to speak to me in a sensible voice I will listen to you"

and then ignore, ignore, ignore.

it will be hard for her. she is used to getting her own way, but it will pay dividends in the end

do let us know how you get on

[FlameGrilledMama]

Thank you thisisyesturday I will update I have spoke to my nan and she can definetly do Tuesday which is the worst day as I have my sister till 7 then the other days are not as late she is also going to do 50% childcare during holidays . She has said she will try and get my mum to speak with someone so that is good. I feel better already

[sunshineriver]

If I were you, I'd speak to your mum - explain to her the difficulties that you have entertaining three children and that you don't ask her to help you because it's nice to have your sister round to play with her nephew and neice - not as a punishment!

You can also try speaking to your sister and tell her that when she comes round how great it is to have a helper and explain to her that you ask her to play with your son because he wants to play with her because he's excited to see his Aunty!

If she's too grown up to play with her little nephew, then could you encourage her to help you - with what ever you're doing while she's usually playing with the little ones when she's round.

It sounds like you need to find a compromise, not enforce your rules, but just find a happy medium.

Good luck!