I intend to abide by the mnet majority on this.

[FlameGrilledMama]

My sister 9yo is spoilt she is never told no and gets very jealous if me and my mum spend any time together. E.G when I was in labor because my mums attentions were focused on me she smashed all my cds to get attention, this does not bother me I am 23 however this is really effecting my DC.

When ds was small she liked playing with him because he stayed in the room with me and she didn't have to leave me and my mum alone when he started wanting to play further away my sister refused to play with him and wanted to play with me and my mum and ignore my DS my mum would say go and play and my sister would make my DS scared to leave the room by telling him there were monsters upstairs. The reason I know it was because me and my mum were together is because when my mum was not there she would not do it and would choose to play with DS without any coercion.

When DD was born my sister would only want to hold my DD and would be quite nasty to my DS saying I have not come to play with you but to play with DD. So I started limiting she could only hold DD for 30 minutesand then as DS would be upset she would play with him for 30minutes. She would hold DD and then say she felt ill and my DS would be left crying for hours. So I said she could not visit again until after DS had settled and accepted DD. My mum had a big argument over how upset my sister was and would pop in on the pretense of helping. I then started leaving my sister hold dd but everyone else leaving the room she would keep calling everyone and crying that she was afraid to be left on her own with DD.

This argument has been continuing since DD is 14months now and the rules in my house are you either play with none or both I don't care whether you play with them both together or you can spend 30 minutes with one then 30minutes with the other. If you are ill (I look after her if she is ill so my mum can work) you can sit on the settee and read and watch 1 film but again if she is well enough to play with DD she is well enough to play with DS age4.

Today she said she was ill and had a bad eye she could not see out of it so was going tostay home with me but last night DS had a bad cough and so is off school when my sister discovered this she said I don't want to go up big sisters because she will make me play with DS all day and I will get more rest in school. Now my mum is having a go that I am overly harsh and I should not force her to play with DS that it is cruel. I don't think she was ill at all I asked about her eye last night and she 'what do you mean? oh right yes it is still really sore' and commenced blinking.

Are my rules unreasonable play with both Dc or neither and if you are too ill to play with either child (which is fine but you are too ill to play with both) you sit quietly and color or read and watch one film. AIBU

I understand your need to have your sis treat your DC equally - but to a 9yo, your DS is like an annoying little brother, whereas your DD is still more of a doll, almost, to be played with by your sis, rather than having to interactively play together, if you get my drift.

As she gets older, she isn't going to want to play with either of them, I wouldn't imagine - so it will even out.

I can't really offer any suggestions other than you get your DS doing something else, and leave your sis to make her own entertainment. She's old enough to do so. SO long as she isn't being actively mean to your DS, leave her to it.

It is a bit of a shame - I have a friend with 7 DC ranging from 16 down to 1 - and all the big ones happily play with the small ones (4 from one relationship, 3 from a second relationship).

I think you are in a really difficult situation and I do feel for your ds because being left out at that age is very hard. I agree with the suggestion to leave your sister to play with your dd and then do something fun with your ds so he feels wanted. Or can you invite a friend over for him to play with?

DS does not have any friends because he is quite a quiet shy child.

Ok, my daughter is 9 and I would expect her to play fair.
If your little boy is looking forward to playing with her then she should be nice to him and play with him too, not just with your DD.

YABU.

Shes only 9,her bahaviour is typical of a 9 year old - ds at home is probably a bit of a bind for her to amuse ....dd being slightly younger is a 'baby' for her to 'mother'.....she is torn between her little girl relationship with yours and hers Mum and your adult-adult relationship with your Mum.

At school is probably unusual to have a niece or nephew in school and she is 'showing him off'.

Id 'big up' the relationship with her and ds and find special things that they can do together perhaps beads or playdough bcos she being 9 can teach him all the techniques this will give her 'responsibility' also Id ask her to help your ds make friends in school and keeping it secret so itt a shared thing between you and her.

Building up her self esteem and place within the family will ultimately benefit your ds.

To be honest, she sounds a bit spoiled and that she is trying to engineer this situation where she upsets your little boy.

Babies are often more exciting for little girls than boisterous 4 year old boys are. Your daughter will probably still let her aunt cuddle her etc, while your son might want to play with toys such as cars with her, which she might have no interest in.

I don't quite understand the point you made about her not wanting to play with him "when he started wanting to play further away my sister refused to play with him and wanted to play with me and my mum and ignore my DS my mum would say go and play and my sister would make my DS scared to leave the room by telling him there were monsters upstairs." Personally, I think that little ones should not really be playing upstairs out of the way anyway, and don't blame her for wanting to stay and play with him downstairs near you. If she goes upstairs with him and he's naughty it could be very difficult for a 9 year old to make him behave, and why should she have to? When I was a teenager I used to go and visit my older siblings, and liked being part of the family chat downstairs. I was more than happy to play with the children in the living room near everyone else but I hated it when my nephews wanted me to play upstairs with them. I just liked the security of knowing that if they misbehaved, if I was downstairs with adults I wouldn't have to deal with them by myself. Plus, I liked being part of the whole family, not stuck upstairs looking after a toddler while everyone else had a lovely peaceful time without us! So I would tell your son that if he wants to play with his aunt he has to stay in the same room as you. If he wants to play in his bedroom and it's ok with you that's fine, but she doesn't have to go with him.

Also, you say that "I then started leaving my sister hold dd but everyone else leaving the room she would keep calling everyone and crying that she was afraid to be left on her own with DD." Well, why were you leaving a little girl alone with a baby? That's a big responsibility to place on her, and I don't blame her for not wanting to be with the baby without adults around. To be honest I think it sounds a bit like you would quite like her to be a free entertainer for your children so that you can get on with other things. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. But you need to be there acting as a peacemaker between the 3 of them, and suggesting things that that both your sister and your son will enjoy. She is still little and will like certain toys and games, and is not old enough yet to be happy to all the time give in and play what a 4 year old boy wants to. Have neutral things for them both to do such as drawing, painting, play dough, jigsaws, etc.

YABVU- she is only a little girl.
Why should she have to play with them equally?? You are preveting her from forming a natural relationship with either of them, with your bizarre demands.
Also you are not making sense - She likes playing with your DD at home and your DS at school.What's wrong with that Does your DS like playing with her at school? If so then that's great.perhaps you could enlist her help in helping him make friends, by getting her to play with another little boy at teh same time as your DS

YABU - she is 9!

I have two living rooms and one is a play room if either of the children go outside of the room that I and my mum are in she no longer wishes to play with either child. She used to play with DS but when he started going into the play room more she stopped playing with him she would sit in between me and my mum and if my mum hugs me she screams or falls over. But when my mum was not here she optionally goes in the other room.

As for that she wanted to help with dd so as she would sit holding her for 2-3 hours and cry whenever I took her back when dd was newly born I would leave the room to go in the play room to play with DS my mum would follow the room is right next door and we would pop back and for.

I'm sorry, this child is not one I would want anywhere near my DC. Sister or no sister.

Your mum needs some SERIOUS talking to about the behaviour she is encouraging. She is your mother's problem, you mother needs to sort this out.

I would tell the school that it is THEIR job to make sure that the children are in the right place at the right time.

Personally I would move schools, I would limit contact between the children until your sister learns how to behave.

I see your point FGM, but I think you are setting far too many rules on children who are too young to really understand it. If you relax a little bit, I would think your sister would enjoy being around your children more, less pressure you see.

Also, I would try to have a word with your mum about the food thing, not healthy in the long run.

She does sound rather spoilt, I have to say.
I don't at all understand what she gets out of seeking your DS out at school; if she doesn't want to play with him at your house, why play with him at school? Unless she has no friends herself?

But I agree with the others - she shouldn't be able to separate your DS from his peers and that's something the school needs to address. Why have 4yos and 9yos playing in the same area anyway, don't they have separate areas for infants and juniors?

I tried having a word about the food thing my sister is getting picked on at school because of her weight she also refuses to brush her teeth and they are calling her yellow teeth my mum shouted it was none of my buisness that she does not interfere with my children and that she raised me allright .

I think she sounds neglected rather than spoilt.

Ah. She is.

No one big yard in school and the taecher said whenever my Ds plays with the children she pulls him away and then leaves him alone when the other children are off playing. I will have a word with ths school about that though about it being their problem and they need to keep a closer eye on him.

Perhaps you could help her out and counterbalance your slightly odd mother? Was she the same with you?

It is not neglect my mum sits playing with her for hours but even as a youngling if my sister cries my mum backs down.

Ok so please correct me if I'm wrong but this really has got a lot to do with sibling rivalry between YOU and YOUR SISTER. "She's only a little girl" You see her as your very annoying younger sister, who you could quite easily get into fisty cuffs with! and she sees you as her big sister who now has 2 other children to look after and has no time for her as a sister anymore.

It's not nice that your sister favours one of your children over the other but that's kids for you, don't make her play with you DS if she doesn't want to, she will just resent you for it. Just make sure when you see her that your DS has something good to do by himself, she might want to get involved then anyway.

Sister and Brothers always fight and argue, it's normal, even when your grown ups.My DD is 8 years old than my DS1 and 13 years older than DS2 and she still gets into fights with DS1. Shes older and should know better but just sees him as younger annoying kid brother.

She sounds insecure and a bit mixed up.I think your mum needs to work on reassuring her that she is her little princess and no grandchild is ever going to take your her place in her affections.You need to step back and let her develop a relationship with her little nephew and niece.
I think it's wierd people think there is something strange about a 4 yo and 9 yo playing together.At a small school this happens all the time and doesn't seem to harm anyone.

FGM - I know it's none of my business but are you the only two DC that your mum has? I know 14y isn't the biggest age gap in the world, just wondered if there were other DC in between and that your mum has reached a point where she almost CBA to parent your sis as strictly as she might have with other DC.

And yes - you really do need to get the school to intervene and keep her away from your DS. :(

I can see where you're coming from, FGM. It's got to be hard to see your DS upset by the actions of someone who is older and seems to be a bit spoiled and basically not very mature for her age.

9 is still very young though, and she sounds really insecure. I guess you just have to rise above it and try to be patient and understanding with her; Hully is right though, you can and should point out to her, as kindly as possible, when she is treating a younger child in a way that isn't nice. She is not too young to learn kindness and consideration.

Good luck.

"Neglect" is perhaps a loaded word. I mean that she is not parenting your sister or meeting her needs appropriately. Eg she is not being taught how to interact with others, or having her basic health needs taken care of.

No my mother had extreme MH problems when I was little and I was nearly removed for neglect meaning she never played with me, or hugged me and barely spoke to me my father was always shouting at me and quite overly strict. My mum has sorted out her MH issues now and overcompensates on my sister but I didn't really want to bring that in.