to not invite my SIL to wedding?

[BendyBores]

Long story so apologies in advance.

I am getting married early next summer. Admittedly since getting engaged it's taken a lot to get me motivated into planning it (I dislike wedding planning).

When I first got engaged my SIL was very enthusiastic in how she was going to help me plan it (SIL and I were not close at time of engagement). However, because I have not implemented all her ideas she got quite upset with me.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to upset her but DP and I merely just booked the simple stuff in the space of one evening.

SIL told me about an amazing car company 'I just had to use', so I agreed I'd take a look. But later a friend with a very nice car said I could lend theirs for the day (saving me a small fortune.

SIL also wants me to involve her three children in the day - I don't want to. I have a child myself and am having my only sister and child involved in the cermony itself. Not because I don't care for my nieces and nephews but I don't want a massive wedding.

SIL has now fallen out with me spectacularly. She keeps texting me abusive messages, and has mentioned how everyone leaves her out all the time (she does tend to be overdramatic).

Thing is, this was three months ago and she and my brother still won't speak to me. She has done things like this in the past with other family members if she can't get her own way (which I've always thought was a bit odd). I have explained several times to her (when we were speaking) that I didn't want a fuss and it wasn't personal.

She has made all kind of lies up to other family members - which are just pointless to respond to. So I am thinking it would be easier not to invite her to my wedding day. AIBU?

I told my mum my plans and her response was - invite them but they will probably refuse anyway. This riled me to - I'd rather not give them the option to refuse the invite. Petty I know, but I'm sick of our family pandering to this woman. My brother supports his wife even when she has been quite nasty in the past - so I don't expect his support but I understand his decision to stand by her.

But it should be SIL apologising, & OP´s brothers should be making her.

If they think so little of OP that they can treat her like this, then they won´t care about not being invited, will they?

diddl yes it probably SHOULD be, but probably WON'T be. Doesn't really offer a solution does it?

that is why lots of posters here are advising taking the "moral high ground" & extending olive branch to stroppy SIL in good grace.

you either need to elope OR fall out with her completely

send her a text back telling her she's being a petty childish bully

wait for her to go orbital and leave it from there

sod the higher moral standing

I'd invite her. On the day you really won't notice her (just make sure she is seated out of your line of sight). Make sure everyone else is happy for you, and even prime some friends to deal with the awkward SIL. But hopefully she will refuse and you can relax.

Have a wonderful day!

Who cares if she should be apologising or OP should be apologising? The situation needs to be moved along as its toxic at the moment. OP can either feed it or be the grown up here and just draw a line. She needs to move on from the petty bickering.

Anyway we've only heard one side here so it's impossible to tell what's really going on.

You don't have to apologise but rather express regret at the situation and express a willingness on your part to make an effort to move on.

RISE ABOVE this nonsense and do the correct thing which is obviously to invite your brother and his crazy wife to your wedding.

If you don't then your behaviour is at least as bad and possibly worse than theirs.

Good luck.

If you really don't care if you are never on good terms with your brother again don't invite them. Unless it will upset your mum a lot.

If you do hope at some point to reconcile, do invite them. Otherwise it will be a sore point for years.

DH didn't speak to his DB for about 2 years, but made friends just before his wedding and now get on OK. It would have broken his mum's heart if we hadnt gone and would be awkward now if we hadnt gone.

Life is too short.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I have taken the time to read them all and I have made a decision. DP was quite annoyed with SIL because she has really upset me with some of her messages. He'd rather she not go. However, I know they should be there.

I am going to try to reconcile our relationship with DB and SIL, over Christmas and into next year. If by April (when the invites go out) I am still being ignored and abused via text then they will get only an evening invite and a letter explaining why. If they choose to act upon it (by contacting me) to try and sort things out I will extend the invitation to the day as well. I appreciate it is tit for tat but she has really upset me.

She is a bit crackers to be fair. This isn't the first time she has reacted this way over something minor, but it's normally other people who are in the firing line.

Bendy, that sounds like a good plan, and I'm glad for you that your Dp is supportive. Also do remember that everyone knows what she's like.

FGS, go over there and talk to her about it face to face like an adult. Yes, she is behaving like a spoilt brat but letting it fester until Christmas isn't going to help.

Go and say that you're sorry she is upset but you decided to have a low key wedding (note that you are not actually apologising for anything!) and that whilst her ideas were lovely, you and Dp have made the decision to keep it simple.

Ooh god yeah! I agree with Soup Dragon. Don't add christmas to the mix. Has any family feud in the history of family feuds ever been resolved at christmas?

Oh well, SoupDragon is right. Now, having been in a similar position myself with the inlaws, I can tell you that no matter how much you consider the most stupid needs of every single person attending the wedding, someone will be complaining about/criticising something.

Knowing that, do what you want, don't let her make this "her wedding". I did everything my MIL wanted (with exception of the venue), and still went through incessant complaints from her during the wedding, she simply didn't allow for us (or anyone in earshot) to enjoy the party.... on her words: "you ruined the wedding for us".

The morning after the wedding h and I were feeling so bad about it all, that we promised ourselves that if we ever had children, we would avoid the christening paraphernalia by having a "clandestine christening", which eventually we did, the inlaws have never forgiven that, but at least we had a very enjoyable day full of nice memories.

I think if I had 2 siblings and only involved the children of one in my wedding the other would have a point in being a bit miffed...even if you don't want a big wedding would it really have been so difficult to include them all? Surely just your own child or all your nephews/nieces would have been fairer and avoided some heartache? I agree your wedding, your choice but if some of those choices are going to hurt others then I think you have to accept that there will be some fallout.

I thought OP was only involving her own child & her sister?

Yes, the sister is being Oooh Matron and the OPs own DD, a bridesmaid. All other family members just guests.

Your solution is so drama.

The easiest thing to do is to act as though none of this bullshit has happened, send the invitation you would have had it not and ignore any attempts to have a fight over this.

You have been entirely reasonable in all this, and your SIL entirely unreasonable so there's no reason to be upset about it. It doesn't even sound personal - she's a difficult woman with possible mental health issues.

Imagine what it must be like for your brother to be married to someone like her. And her kids shouldn't miss out on a family wedding over this.

To not invite them will be a big insult that will offend people other than them.

If you want to minimise this issue just invite as normal and engage as little as possible.

Quite honestly I believed just letting things improve naturally would be the right way to do things, without creating more drama.

I'm not a fan of family fallouts, and we all got on well before miss drama queen SIL came on the scene (don't get me wrong, we are not the Waltons, but we never really fell out).

But actually you lot are right. I just need to phone her and deal with the situation. That way I can say that I was sorry for the way the situation has made her feel, but that I want to organise it without fuss and upsetting her was not my intention.

I am worried that she may use the phone call for another reason to fall out. But it does need to be dealt with straight up, and hopefully it will end all of this tension.

That way, if we do sort things out, she can be invited with no problems.

I do have a horrid feeling she will find another reason to fall out with me before the wedding even if we do reconcile (she is just that kind of person), but I suppose if I deal with her in an upfront manner then she really can only make herself look silly.

Thanks SGM - you've been really supportive since the start of this thread.

That sounds like a good idea.

But make sure that you don´t end up apologising for organising your own wedding!

Just sorry that she is upset that you haven´t taken on her suggestions, but you havent done it to be nasty, have just chosen other options.

Any chance that you could go round, pref. when your brother is there so that he could hear what you say?

And I think you need to say it & go, not get drawn into anything else.

I think the only way you can not invite family to a Wedding is by not having a family wedding otherwise you will never have heard the end of it. I wouldn't have wanted FIL or BIL at my wedding but as we buggered off to Vegas it wasn't a problem I had to face. Invite them and hope they don't come.

Sounds like a good plan to call her and resolve this now. I would say if she's still being a nightmare on the call cut it short and suggest meeting in person to discuss properly - bring your DH (for moral support and to present a united front) and invite your brother, that way she can't twist what you've said afterwards to your brother or anyone else. On neutral territory too.

Hopefully it can all be sorted out quickly and you can forget all about it and concentrate on your wedding - congratulations btw!

Love the idea of a wrangler for SIL on the the day, could have done with several of them for the uncles on our wedding day!

My solution with difficult family members was to write out invitations to all, give them to my mum (who was actually the most difficult) and ask her to give them to all family members she could trust to behave properly on the day. We ended up at 50/50 there and not there, even to the extent of ives without husbands, husband and no wife there etc. I have a very difficult family though, and TBH I was so tense with them all in the same room that the only way to block it out was to have faaar too much champagne. You need to do what you need to do to enjoy your day.

And on DH's side of the family, my SIL (she was just BIL's girlfriend at the time) decided three days before that she wasn't coming as she didn't know anyone (not true but never mind. I think I am the only one who actually remembers that this happened.

Tell me why I didn't elope?

wives, not ives . Cake crumbs in the keyboard.