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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my SIL to wedding?

100 replies

BendyBores · 22/11/2010 20:27

Long story so apologies in advance.

I am getting married early next summer. Admittedly since getting engaged it's taken a lot to get me motivated into planning it (I dislike wedding planning).

When I first got engaged my SIL was very enthusiastic in how she was going to help me plan it (SIL and I were not close at time of engagement). However, because I have not implemented all her ideas she got quite upset with me.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to upset her but DP and I merely just booked the simple stuff in the space of one evening.

SIL told me about an amazing car company 'I just had to use', so I agreed I'd take a look. But later a friend with a very nice car said I could lend theirs for the day (saving me a small fortune.

SIL also wants me to involve her three children in the day - I don't want to. I have a child myself and am having my only sister and child involved in the cermony itself. Not because I don't care for my nieces and nephews but I don't want a massive wedding.

SIL has now fallen out with me spectacularly. She keeps texting me abusive messages, and has mentioned how everyone leaves her out all the time (she does tend to be overdramatic).

Thing is, this was three months ago and she and my brother still won't speak to me. She has done things like this in the past with other family members if she can't get her own way (which I've always thought was a bit odd). I have explained several times to her (when we were speaking) that I didn't want a fuss and it wasn't personal.

She has made all kind of lies up to other family members - which are just pointless to respond to. So I am thinking it would be easier not to invite her to my wedding day. AIBU?

I told my mum my plans and her response was - invite them but they will probably refuse anyway. This riled me to - I'd rather not give them the option to refuse the invite. Petty I know, but I'm sick of our family pandering to this woman. My brother supports his wife even when she has been quite nasty in the past - so I don't expect his support but I understand his decision to stand by her.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 22/11/2010 21:14

Of course, if you want to be petty, you could send your brother an invite addressed to him "and guest"...

Original poster
BendyBores · 22/11/2010 21:14

apologies for terrible use of English and all things grammar related. My tiredness isn't really enough of an excuse.

OP posts:
Squitten · 22/11/2010 21:15

Agree with previous person who said that if you don't invite them, you'll just make that the focus of your wedding and will no doubt have to spend lots of time justifying why you haven't asked them.

Better to ask them and then they will either decline, in which case great for you, or they will come and you will be so busy on the day that you won't even notice that they are there, let alone what SIL is up to.

mummytoatribe · 22/11/2010 21:15

Sorry but I disagree with anyone who uses the "moral high ground" as a reason to invite someone the OP cant stand to her wedding! This woman has sent abusive texts and has caused a brother and sister to be estranged. On what planet should anyone be expected to pay good money to have someone like that at the most important day in their life?!

Trust me, if her SIL is anything like mine then the moral high ground wont matter one bit. People like that simply dont like being told no and when it happens they will turn anything around to being the other persons fault and the other person being unreasonable. I know this from trying to be the "bigger" person with my SIL and other IL's several times and it was a massive waste of time. I am just glad I found out before the wedding so that we didnt make the mistake of inviting them just to have the MH and then have them ruining our day with, at the very least, dirty looks and rudeness to our guests.

Original poster
BendyBores · 22/11/2010 21:16

Love it FPT (where's the wicked grin emotion when you need one).

Thing is, I want a low fuss, low key kinda do. This farce has created drama when all I want to do is get married.

OP posts:
PinkIceQueen · 22/11/2010 21:16

I can see the point of gaining the moral high ground. However, I also wonder why you should have someone that vile at your wedding, it is after all your wedding. I would feel torn, I'd want to say bog off, but probably go for being the better person. Good luck!

PS, sounds like you should have chosen a secluded beach somewhere with just you, your dp, your child and sister ;) hindsight is a marvelous thing.

babymutha · 22/11/2010 21:18

elope.

mummytoatribe · 22/11/2010 21:18

Oh, and its only too late to elope when you are walking up the aisle Wink

babymutha · 22/11/2010 21:20

i speak from personal experience. Families are just TOO complicated.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 22/11/2010 21:20

Why should she involve her brother's children? What happens if her dp has siblings with children? Does she have to have all of them, which could go into double figures if they did? She's involving her sister and her (op's) child, which is the way I'm reading it.

OP I think you do need to invite them, although I'd be tempted to tell her, by text if necessary, that if she keeps sending you abusive texts you'll go to the police. I don't see why you should put up with them.

ENormaSnob · 22/11/2010 21:27

Elope.

loubielou31 · 22/11/2010 21:27

If there are other children (other than your own) coming to the ceremony who don't have a "starring role" the you can not be accused of favouritism and your SIL will just have to get over it but
AN EVENING INVITE ONLY WILL NOT DO!!! You have to invite your brother and his family to the whole day. Sorry but you just do, it would be very rude not to. Wedding planning often always results in family fallings out. Let's hope she get's over her sulk soon.

cat64 · 22/11/2010 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/11/2010 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 22/11/2010 21:42

Send an invite, just make sure you post it about a week before the wedding Grin...second class of course Wink

cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 22:21

Yanbu it's not mandatory to invite people who won't join the celebration. It'll show her the consequence of her behaviour.

Actuallawyer · 22/11/2010 22:28

Unless it's a tiny tiny wedding I think you have to invite them to the lot. An evening invitation for your brother and his wife is probably more insulting than no invitation at all. I'd go for a "We do hope that you'll be able to come and support us in the wedding we have chosen. I appreciate the ideas you've given me but we have to do it our way".

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2010 22:42

Not read all of the posts yet, but I think you should only invite people that you actually want to your wedding.

I would give it one last shot and try to talk to my brother and set the record straight, but if he won't speak to you then you are better off without either of them there.

I am really against duty invites to weddings. If someone is nasty to you, why would you want them at your wedding?

zipzap · 22/11/2010 22:49

Remember to point out as well that she has had her 'go' at organising the wedding of her dreams to your db, now it is your time to do your wedding as you (and your dh and dd and budget!) see fit...

congratulations, and whatever happens, hope you have a good day.

remember to set up SIL bingo or sweepstake - you can all have bets on when she will use certain catch phrases and at what time she will bring forth catty remarks/arguments with different people/etc... That way instead of dreading her doing all the dreadful things, you will be mentally counting them off and willing her to do them - but at the time you have chosen Grin that way you get to take control back over her - and watch her face when she has her first big meltdown as you announce the winner of the meltdown bottle of champers for selecting the closest time to the event!

Vallhala · 22/11/2010 22:50

I'm buggered if I'd invite anyone like that to my wedding!

Why on earth should you? Particularly as it sounds like Ms Drama Queen will strop and attention seek throughout.

Nope, blow that for a game of soldiers.

Rockbird · 22/11/2010 22:59

Are the chdren coming to the wedding but not involved? It's not very clear.

Tbh you sound as bad as each other. Your SIL has been a pain and you're looking for any excuse to get back at her. Think you both need to grow up.

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/11/2010 23:11

Bendy, I think you should treat her in exactly the same way as you treat everyone else. I have a tricky sil who's nowhere near as bad as yours, but also does the emotional manipulation thing. I can always tell when DH is on the phone to her because he always sounds apologetic.

You can't win with someone like this, but the one thing you can do is refuse to play her game. The family already know what she's like. She is digging her own grave, so don't get involved. Just treat her as everyone else and leave her to deal with her own messes.

MadamDeathstare · 22/11/2010 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/11/2010 23:31

MadamDeathStare: "Make sure you have quite a few photos without her in so if she looks like a sour old boot in the photos she is in, not all of them are spoiled" - or make sure your photographer is a dab hand with erasing unsavoury objects using Photoshop! Grin

Kewcumber · 22/11/2010 23:37

personally I would girt my teeth and invite her. But thats me - gets everyone elses opinion isn;t going to help, its you who has to live with the aftermath if you don't invite her vs the possibility of her being gripery on the day. I don;t think you will seriously not invite her just because she might turn it down. Surely that would be a win win in your book? You do the honorable thing and you don;t have to stomach her at the wedding.