to not invite my SIL to wedding?

[BendyBores]

Long story so apologies in advance.

I am getting married early next summer. Admittedly since getting engaged it's taken a lot to get me motivated into planning it (I dislike wedding planning).

When I first got engaged my SIL was very enthusiastic in how she was going to help me plan it (SIL and I were not close at time of engagement). However, because I have not implemented all her ideas she got quite upset with me.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to upset her but DP and I merely just booked the simple stuff in the space of one evening.

SIL told me about an amazing car company 'I just had to use', so I agreed I'd take a look. But later a friend with a very nice car said I could lend theirs for the day (saving me a small fortune.

SIL also wants me to involve her three children in the day - I don't want to. I have a child myself and am having my only sister and child involved in the cermony itself. Not because I don't care for my nieces and nephews but I don't want a massive wedding.

SIL has now fallen out with me spectacularly. She keeps texting me abusive messages, and has mentioned how everyone leaves her out all the time (she does tend to be overdramatic).

Thing is, this was three months ago and she and my brother still won't speak to me. She has done things like this in the past with other family members if she can't get her own way (which I've always thought was a bit odd). I have explained several times to her (when we were speaking) that I didn't want a fuss and it wasn't personal.

She has made all kind of lies up to other family members - which are just pointless to respond to. So I am thinking it would be easier not to invite her to my wedding day. AIBU?

I told my mum my plans and her response was - invite them but they will probably refuse anyway. This riled me to - I'd rather not give them the option to refuse the invite. Petty I know, but I'm sick of our family pandering to this woman. My brother supports his wife even when she has been quite nasty in the past - so I don't expect his support but I understand his decision to stand by her.

there are so many typos in that post I don;t know where to start correcting them!

MadamDeathstare

Wonderful suggestions, Madam!

Ooh, I like that second one, Madam! Think the SIL will be very flattered.

Could you go over to her house and have a heart to heart talk with her? Get her on your side? Explain her ideas are great but you are just doing a simple little wedding. If she resists your overtures, at least you tried, and you will not be the bad guy.

Knowing me, I'd invite them. As there is a life time ahead to endure her/them...peacefully is a lot nicer.

If she shows up with a sour attitude, just think of her as a spoiled child and ignore. She will end up looking the fool, and you will emerge shining!

Of course you shouldn´t invite her-she´s an abusive bully.

You won´t miss them.

My own sister didn´t make it to my wedding & I was upset when I knew she wasn´t coming.

But was so busy on the day I didn´t notice that she wasn´t there.

The point of the day is for you to get married & for you to enjoy the day.

Don´t invite her & give her the satisfaction of refusing.

Why is it putting OPs mum in a difficult position?

I am really torn, so not helpful.

On the one hand, your sil wanted to highjack your wedding (excited or disrespectful?) and threw a strop when she did not get to call the shots, and then started sending abusive text messages.

Everybody knows what she is like.

If you decide NOT to invite her, you will probably let your version of events circulate between now and the wedding so everybody will find it OBVIOUS why she isnt there. As people will talk.

Then deal with the fall out. You would be married, but you will have let your sil manipulate you to instigate a big feud. This could be long term.

Or you could just take the moral highground, invite them, and hope that things will have been resolved by the time of your actual wedding.

Personally, I would try to speak to her in person, your brother present so he could see for himself. And if that did not work, I would not invite them, as it would be obvious to all why an invite is not forthcoming.

If you dont invite her, everyone on the day will be wondering why she and your brother arent there. It will dominate the day.

If you invite her, and ignore her as much as possible, ie in seating plan make sure you cant see her/she has her back to you, you will not have upset your mum, and attention will be on you and DH.

I think most people have at least one person at their wedding who they cant stand/dont get on with. Thats families!! I would invite them, then put it all out of your mind, and concentrate on your day. The day will only become about her, if you let it get to you!

I don´t get how inviting an abusive bully to your wedding gives you the moral high ground.

Seems more like being a doormat to me.

invite her. Then put her on a table with your best friends, preferably those with acid tongues, who can shoot her down every time winges or carps on...make sure one is always in earshot, so they a interject on your behalf...

her: "I recommended a car to her"...
friend: "oh SIL, did you offer to pay for it? No? Then you have no cause to complain - its not your money"

her: "My children weren't asked to take part"
Fiend "Oh SIl, don't be ridiculous, its a small tasteful wedding, the last thing she needs is 3 extra bridemaids. I think she got it just right - subtle and intimate, not showy."

OP - what a total and utter ballache.

I have to say, that I think you could have included her children without it causing you too much upheaval, so for that part I have to say YABU.

On the invite front; is her presence there likely to ruin your day? If it is, then dont invite her. But be prepared that this rift will most likely last forever.

There is a third option, elope and invite no one! Then you can offend everyone!

Yes, of course.

But instead of not speaking to his sister, he should be telling his wife that she organised her wedding & his sister wants to do the same.

And the mother should be saying the same, not telling OP to invite them "as they´ll probably refuse anyway".

I'd invite them. It means you are ignoring her ridiculous pettiness and tantruming - if you don't invite her, you are acknowledging them as valid.

OP-does your brother know about the abusive texts?

She has really crossed a line.

Why are people advocating inviting someone who is being abusive?

Take moral high ground - she sound like a total PITA.

Perhaps write you your brother & SIL & enclose letter with invite. Say there seems to have been a misunderstanding & SIL has got upset to the extend she now feels the need to be abusive to you which is a dreadful upset & shame. It has never been your intention to upset SIL or offend her in anyway - you've just gone about organising YOUR wedding to suit you as I'm sure she would have done for her wedding. Anyway it's all organised now, and you very much hope your brother & SIL can put it all behind you and join you with the rest of their family in celebrating your marriage.

If SIL comes to wedding with sour face after that she'll look even stupider than she does now.

"I adore my nieces and nephews and all the children are invited. My sister (the MoH) also has a child who plays no 'role' in the ceremony but there isn't a problem there."

Mistletoekisses why should the op have involved her sil/brother's kids? She hasn't involved her sister's child (see above quote) and her sister isn't tantruming. What if her dp has siblings with children, should they all be involved too?

You should definitely invite your brother and his wife to your wedding. It would be awful forever if you didn't.

What's more, if it were me, I would attempt to make up before the wedding or at the very least put a personal note to her in with the invite saying something like, 'Sorry we've fallen out. Let's just forget the past and move on as friends.'