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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spoiled baby alert

52 replies

cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 10:33

DD is 10 months old. We live in SW England, my folks in NI. They've seen her 3 times since she was born, twice we visited them. Haven't seen her since May; we just moved house and are a bit skint.

We keep asking them to come (we pick them up from airport, feed them, let them stay & pay for most days out usually), but they say money is tight - ok. We set up a skype account for them.

When we last saw them, we discussed Christmas presents. We asked that they only got her a couple of things (we gave them a few suggestions) & if they desperately wanted to part with more cash could they either put it in an account for her or for themselves, so they could visit more. Spoke to my mum last night to check what they'd bought so no duplicates with any of our other (numerous) rellies and was shocked to be read a long list of £150 worth of stuff (most of it similar, flashy, county crap). I calmly pointed out that was a lot and said we'd spread it out over the year if they didn't mind. Mum burst into tears and said it was for her birthday too (12 Jan) & passed phone to Dad who had a go.

I thought I was compromising and wanted to nip the spoiled (admittedly first) grandchild thing in the bud. Also, they always complain about DH's sister's kids who are spoiled rotten. My mum has lengthy bitching sessions about how they can't appreciate the value of things if they have so much, yadda yadda yadda.

So frustrated, especially with interfering, much younger and childless brother who's demanded that I apologise! AIBU?

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 22/11/2010 10:39

eh? im sorry, i don't get either side of this tbh.
If you don't think you have done anything wrong, do not apologise, is about all i can offer you.

hopefully someone much more helpful will be along soon Grin

juneybean · 22/11/2010 10:41

But it's her first christmas... I can understand they want to treat their grand-daughter.

Perhaps next year they won't be as generous.

Serendippy · 22/11/2010 10:43

I can understand your frustration but I had come to terms with the fact that GPs are for spoiling children long before I had DD. Spreading it over the year would mean DD gets presents for no apparent reason, not necessarily better than understanding the GPs have been very generous for Christmas and birthday.

Try to discuss the fact that they have pointed out that children don't appreciate the value of things if they have too much and that you agree with them.

YANBU to be cross but YABU to not let GPs spoil first GC. I think it has been this way since time began!

JodiesMummy · 22/11/2010 10:43

Your poor parents! YABU, they want to show their love and clearly feel the absence keenly. They perhaps dont want to burden you with visiting too often and want to take this chance to spoil their little GC. Plus the birthday is soon afterwards. I dont think its an outlandish amount for Grandparents to spend, my DD's GP's have spent similar amounts every year for five years! Give them a break!

Fernie3 · 22/11/2010 10:44

I would let them get what they want unless they are going short of money in order to fund it. Different things make different people happy and I don't think that getting a lot of toys for Christmas will spoil a child. You could tell them not to do it but it depends how much this really bothers you....pick your battles n all.

TrippleBerryFairy · 22/11/2010 10:45

While I don't particularly agree with grandparents byuing loads and loads of presents for GCs (especially babies-they don't need that much and the older ones prefer to play with pots and pans anyway!!) I think you perhaps overreacted a little bit. Fair enough, they could have spent the money on coming to visit few more times but in the end it's their money and it's up to them how to spend it...

I would accept the presents, say thank you and be nice. And when they're gone put a few away and give then to DD when she gets borred of the other ones...

I think that perhaps your mum is feeling guilty about not being able to come to visit more often and is trying to make up for that by bying lots of stuff. Why not let her if that makes her feel better?

JodiesMummy · 22/11/2010 10:46

How would you feel if they got her nothing!

faverolles · 22/11/2010 10:46

They're probably feeling bad that they don't see her as much as they want to. Buying her lots of presents might make them feel a bit better about it all.

Yes, they could put money aside to visit more often, but maybe they are happy with the amount of visits they make.

TBH, being spoiled by grandparents is normal, if they are only seeing her a few times a year, she is not going to grow up a spoiled little madam because of this, it's not like she's getting this treatment every week.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/11/2010 10:46

She's not even a year old. She won't remember it and then demand more stuff next year, or anything. She'll just crawl/stagger around, eat the paper, and fall asleep in a corner.

You're coming across as a wee bit controlling, really. If they want to part with more cash it's really up to them if it goes on toys or in an account. I love buying toys and clothes for my child and friend's children, but putting money in the bank is no fun at all.

Back off.

BigBadMummy · 22/11/2010 10:49

Translates as

Dont want stuff. Want them to visit

Sorry but what others have said, you are coming across as controlling. They want to buy things. Let them! Enjoy it.

scoutliam · 22/11/2010 10:49

How about letting your parents give the presents with the appropriate amount of "aren't you a lucky girl dd" and gracious appreciation.

Then take some away and re-present them during the year with the same 'lucky girl' blather.

Your dd won't remember and everyone is a winner!

stillbobbysgirl · 22/11/2010 10:50

Its their money so therefore none of your business really is it? A bit rude to dictate to them what they should and should not buy your little one. She is their family too and not your property.

You should be grateful and pleased that they WANT to spoil her. I wish my mother was still alive to be able to buy loads of unwanted tat for my boys - because it MADE HER HAPPY!

WowOoo · 22/11/2010 10:56

Wish my children had grandparents.

You sound a bit of a kill joy. Can't you put money in the bank instead and give one present?

Agree will stillbobbysgirl. My mum loved buying loads of shite. But I let her do it because I loved her dearly.

Original poster
cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 10:57

Some good points, some judgy bitchy ones as usual on here. But sick of them moaning that they never see her, trying to guilt us into going over there more, and not subtly I should add. They could come to visit more, have been asked to etc. Normally quite a close relationship, but they've turned into the 'have grandchild as trophy but don't want to change nappy etc' type. Plus they have told me I shouldn't still be breastfeeding her as it means they can't have her for longer periods. Monkey still refuses bottle, just gets wound up.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 22/11/2010 11:01

Forgot to say - if my Ma were alive I would probably argue with her about not spending too much on her grandchildren, certainly not to spend more then us parents! So, I can see why it's bugging.

wb · 22/11/2010 11:02

I understand that I am the odd one out on this thread but YANBU (imo). Personally we have always been very firm w. grandparents over the quantity of presents we are happy for our children to receive - an amount which is much less than they would wish to give and certainly way less than £75 per occasion.

I can quite see why others would consider it controlling but hey, they are our kids and we both have strong views about children having too much and not appreciating it all. It is a moral judgment for us, so we stick to it in the face of opposition.

Having said that both sets of grandparents have found ways round it to a certain extent - my parents with gifts of clothes and dh parents with a long-term savings plan.

WowOoo · 22/11/2010 11:03

Was I a judgy bitch?

things will be easier in the future when you're not breastfeeding. You can tell them to look forward to that but in the mean time, she's with you.

Original poster
cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 11:04

WowOoo. Thank you, I know I am lucky to have them and I'm gutted that it has upset them, I just wish they would respect our opinions a bit more.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 11:04

LOL, just saw that. No you weren't WowOoo!

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 22/11/2010 11:05

Ah,,,, see i knew it, the present thing isn't the actual thing your peed off about is it!

Original poster
cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 11:07

wb thank you so much. Yes we have the same re clothes (my folks) and savings (his folks) as well, but we have let that slide. We have strong views on it, our exact words last night. The type of my parents is that if we didn't say anything, they'd do it again and again and say we should've said something before! When she's older, we'll be asking her to choose some things to give to local hospital or other good cause. That will at least teach her something about those less fortunate. Money does not = love.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyseamonkey · 22/11/2010 11:09

OTTMummA - the present thing is the issue. Plenty of other occasions where we've stood back, picked our battles and all. Plenty, but this is just a step too far. The £150 will leave them short of cash.

OP posts:
Psammead · 22/11/2010 11:11

Oh! DD has her first birthday on the 11th of Jan!

Nothing more to add apart from let them spoil her! She will soon learn that it's not the norm.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 22/11/2010 11:18

Maybe you could say that material things won't matter toa 10month old, and that if there was spare cash, you'd've rather it'd been put towards them visiting you and having them spend time with your baby. Because that's the kind of spoiling that matters - the time and the cuddles and building a relationship with her grandparents.

I'm sure you didn't mean to offend them - they probably didn't mean to offend you either. It's a communication thing I expect. They might even be feeling a bit guilty about not having been able to visit as much and have tried to make up for it in other ways. But I know it can be a bit puzzling if people say that they can't afford to visit and then shell out loads more on gifts than a visit would have cost.

It's probably worth having a conversation to clear the air and to try and explain your point of view, whilst being diplmatic and saying that you do appreciate what they've done and you didn't mean them to think that you don't (if that makes sense).

I hope you can find a solution.

Rannaldini · 22/11/2010 11:19

YABU and a bit precious
imo
things don't spoil children parenting and life experience does

why don't you visit your parents more if you want them to see your dd more?

perhaps then they would be better able to communicate with you about your relationship, their granddaughter's needs and their need to spoil

v often in wc families it is the instinct to overspend to show love