Spoiled baby alert

[cheekyseamonkey]

DD is 10 months old. We live in SW England, my folks in NI. They've seen her 3 times since she was born, twice we visited them. Haven't seen her since May; we just moved house and are a bit skint.

We keep asking them to come (we pick them up from airport, feed them, let them stay & pay for most days out usually), but they say money is tight - ok. We set up a skype account for them.

When we last saw them, we discussed Christmas presents. We asked that they only got her a couple of things (we gave them a few suggestions) & if they desperately wanted to part with more cash could they either put it in an account for her or for themselves, so they could visit more. Spoke to my mum last night to check what they'd bought so no duplicates with any of our other (numerous) rellies and was shocked to be read a long list of £150 worth of stuff (most of it similar, flashy, county crap). I calmly pointed out that was a lot and said we'd spread it out over the year if they didn't mind. Mum burst into tears and said it was for her birthday too (12 Jan) & passed phone to Dad who had a go.

I thought I was compromising and wanted to nip the spoiled (admittedly first) grandchild thing in the bud. Also, they always complain about DH's sister's kids who are spoiled rotten. My mum has lengthy bitching sessions about how they can't appreciate the value of things if they have so much, yadda yadda yadda.

So frustrated, especially with interfering, much younger and childless brother who's demanded that I apologise! AIBU?

I think it is a bit of a shame, they may have left themselves short of cash because they really wanted to do it and now you have made them feel like crap about it. It is natural to want to spoil your grandchildren and at 10 months I can't imagine you have had that many issues to deal with. I think you should lighten up a bit.

I also think that maybe they don't like coming when they can't afford to pay their way - it must be embarassing for their child to pay for them - not that this is in anyway your fault, just that I can understand their reticence and that maybe the extravagent xmas presents are to make up for this.

Rannaldini - how very judgemental of the "WC"

YABU, and a bit mean. Weren't you ever taught to accept gifts graciously?

If you want to put some of them away and only get them out for your DD on rotation then that's fine, but complaining about the gifts your parents have already bought is pretty rude.

tis true

So what do you do in your family? Hunter wellies and Pimms all round is it? The families of "WC" children may not be able to spoil them year round - whats wrong with giving them a good Christmas? Doesnt mean they dont show love all the time!

My mum used to say as an oldie she reserved right to disregard my opinion as she knew better. !!??

She said in jest of course, and she would tell me if I did not listen she would buy me a hideous scarf I would HAVE to wear to make her happy.
I would ask her to buy anything from John Lewis for ds1 and keep receipts and tags on. She was insulted but did as she was told mostly!

wc families are more likely to overspend to show love
massive weddings
designer clothing for children
100s on Christmas/bd

i'm wc you eejit, i'm speaking from experience

the idea of really spoiling someone by going into crippling debt is a very wc thing around here

pawning for christmas etc
a few years ago swapping benefit books for loans to pay for wedding dresses etc

but in every case it was the very "best" that needed to be bought. never a case of cutting your cloth to fit your means. often weddings costing £25k were family homes were remortgaged to pay and now are in a perilous state

sad that often we don't value ourselves or our input as enough.. need to show our love with expensive tat

Oh OP. YANBU at all. Can't believe you're being called controlling and a killjoy! Well if you are, let me join you in controlling killjoy corner. I hate this giving too many presents thing, it's stupid, a waste of money, it does not equate to love or caring, and it's not just that it spoils the DC, it also fills your house to the rafters with crap. In my mum's case she will ask after it too so it's hard to get rid of.

And with my family it's always such low-quality, horrible, breakable (often even dangerous) crap - even though they're not skint. I would so much rather DC got one nice small bit of lego or playmobil that they will love and use a lot, than 12 dodgy cheapo/ market stall items that will break, cause tears, etc.

If someone asked me nicely to cut down on presents or even give none I would happily do so because it's what they want. To do otherwise is rude and selfish. In fact I would go so far as to say that when people are over-generous with presents when you don't want them to be, it's them that's being controlling - it's a way of trying to take over and buy love, or at least in my family it is.

(and we are arse-achingly middle-class :))

Who said we were WC?! That's a little presumptuous and not actually true as it happens. What an odd way for this thread to degenerate!

Thanks MarineIguana - are we in the same family!? Ha ha. Spot on. Not all the stuff they've bought is cheap tat, some of it is pricey tat. It is that I think it's selfish, it's for them and not DD and that is what bothers me. That and the fact that they very sensibly imposed a very strict and very low limit on family members inc my gp as we grew up and we learned to respect things and played with all our toys (unlike some of my friends who seemed to own a hundredweight of broken toys that lived all over their floors!). I respected them for that all my life and never minded getting 'one good thing' from everyone. and now they seem to have reneged.

ps Rannaldni - my wedding was a very modest and lovely affair costing £5000 with all my loved ones there to share our day. Now bog off and finish today's Daily Mail (oh look, I can be a judgy cow too!)

sorry assumed wc as money too tight to travel to see first gc
but plenty to buy show gifts

my mistake
apologies

I eventually got round this by writing a list that they could choose off! I was very anal about it all lol. Luckily the boys are now 7 and 10 and have very firm and expensive ideas about what they'd like, so they choose what goes on the lis and IL's buy loads for the 2 little GD's that have arrived :)

it had nothing to do with the cost, more to do with the fact we only had a tiny house.

I'm much more laid back these days, but I had to take control after DS was given an ant farm!

oh and I have no doubt I shall spoil my grandchildren, that's what grandparents do :)

the child is nearly 1

when our pfb had her first christmas and birthday in feb, we gratefully received the over the top number of gifts- baby had fun with the paper and the opening and then shoved half in the shed until the summer- it is awkward having crimbo and birthday so close. if they had bought £75 worth of gifts for christmas and then again in June, would you have had the same issue?

i do understand your concerns re them visiting and leaving themselves short but they are clearly adults. leave them to it and stop trying to parent them as well.

be clear about when you will visit them during the year- they will either make do with that or will come visit. at the end of the day, you were the one that moved- not them.

You don't know how luckey you are, I would cut off my right arm for my dcs to have grandparents who cared

Leave em to it, christmas is the one day of the year I say yes

"In fact I would go so far as to say that when people are over-generous with presents when you don't want them to be, it's them that's being controlling - it's a way of trying to take over and buy love, or at least in my family it is."

We have this too, MarineIguana and I couldn't agree with you more. Part of me dreads Christmas for this very reason - and I'm aware how ungrateful it sounds, and I so don't mean to be - but the people who do this (in my family) don't have to find a space for it (we're woefully short of storage space in our house and the kids don't even play with half the toys that people 'just had to buy'. I do think it's more about them and how it makes them feel, rather than about the kids.

Let them enjoy her how they want to enjoy her - of course it would be nicer if they came more often, but for some reason they don't/can't/wont.

You can put the toys away and bring them out during the year.

You wont have your parents forever, don't upset them over a few kids toys.

You've set out your stall about not getting too much stuff and your parents have ignored it because they want to buy lots. I don't think there's much you can do without appearing rude and ungrateful.

I said to both sets of parents/family that we weren't going to make a big deal this year (DD was born on 5/2) and weren't going to buy presents. SIL has still bought a present and I know MIL will buy loads. I certainly won't mention it again, if they want to buy her lots of presents that is up to them.

Perhaps they feel a bit awkward about staying in your house and prefer you to come to them as they feel more at ease on "home turf"?

Older people can get very set in their ways and like their familiar home comforts.

If so, perhaps suggest they give airline gift vouchers as a present in future so you can visit them more often?

The polite thing to do in this situation is to let them buy all the flashy things this year, and for you to buy very little so that the end result is the same amount of stuff. Their enthusiasm for spending will die down by the time she's two or three and you can ask for specific things more easily now you know this is an issue. I actually don't think £75 for Christmas and £75 for a birthday is outrageous, they may have bought clothes as well.

Part of not bringing your children up to be materialistic is about appreciating what they are given and it not replacing real relationships. You seem to be in danger of jeopardizing the real relationship and the closeness for a principle. This seems to me a bit misguided and not really in the spirit of Christmas either.

it all seems daft.
imo the most important thing at christmas is relationships not gifts, (i set a very strict budget for my children)
i would have thought that the gps would rather see the baby for a little longer one visit than spend so much. my teens remember outings/parties/fun with gps from when they were little yet remember very few toys indeed.