to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

[compromise]

What really sticks in my throat is that I really believed that if you treat someone as you would like to be treated, they will respond in kind.

I always thought if I just tried that bit harder, tried to be a better wife day by day that eventually he would start to reciprocate and offer to help.

Instead, its all just gone to shit.

Privately, I feel so let down.

[JodiesMummy]

Whats your ideal outcome Compo?

[independiente]

I don't think anyone could doubt how much you are contributing. Unfortunately, a precedent has been set in relation to the housework/childcare. You have to find a way to make him understand how much of a contribution that is, because it doesn't sound as if he realises.
Or perhaps he does realise, and is royally taking the piss!

[compromise]

hully,

I don't know why to rota issue was such a sore point. But he wont discuss it. He just won't have it.

[SparkleSoiree]

If it were me I would be doing two things:

If I take him seriously then I would suggest we both get part time jobs so that one of us could look after the children. That way both are working and the jobs around the house could be split accordingly.

If I didn't take him seriously and just realised he was taking me for a ride I would be telling him to pack his own bags and going to live somewhere else for a while and see how looking after himself lights his fire.

[compromise]

Gotta go - DD needs me.

be back later.

thanks all so far...some really helpful comments

[JodiesMummy]

I have to go too..... good luck!

[counttothree]

You 'feel let down', that's why I suggested Relate. There's more to this, it's not about household income or housework the problem is your marriage. He's telling you in his own way. Get thee to Relate before things sink any further.

[independiente]

'tried to be a better wife day by day'
Hmm, I suspect it's that mentality which has partly contributed to the current situation - sorry, not wanting to kick you when you're down Comp, but you may have to rethink what constitutes being a 'better wife' - perhaps including, giving your DH a healthy dose of reality, and insisting on fairness.

[darleneconnor]

compromise- I dont know why you've been given such a hard time by some of the posters

You both made an agreement, his side has now fallen down, so you should stop doing your side of the bargain. Leave him with DD for a couple of days and see how he copes.

AND STOP BEING HIS SKIVVY!

[whatdoiknowanyway]

He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed.

What's that if not wanting to consider sharing the burden.
Honestly the 'all men are bastards' attitude here gets me down.

Eric N - the pressure is reduced because the responsibility is shared. The 2 of you are in it together. You both have responsibilty to work out how to deal with finanical issues. It's not all on one person. if there are finanical concerns you can talk about it a bit more than lovely, caring,hardworking, saintly SAHM just saying 'oh dear, what are you going to do, let me bring you a cup of tea in bed whilst you think about it'.

OP you have made a rod for your own back by running around after your spouse. You can't have it all ways. IF you get a job there has to be agreement about how you deal with thee chores. Doesn't have to be a rota but does have to be vey clear that it will be shared. Reading your posts I think you will have more trouble letting him do things than he will actually doing them.

Why do so few people actually talk and listen to their partners?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I think the compromise has been all on your husbands side and cant see any on your own. From even before having children you expected to be kept once any children arrived given your quote "I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM". The "give and take" you mention seems to not exist on your side.

Being the main breadwinner is hard, a little housework is nothing compared to it. Millions of parents do it all, housework, childcare and hold down employment.

He deserves a say regardless of it not fitting your plans. If you can afford to both work part time and support the household without the need for benefits then that seems a great compromise. Why are his "wants" any less valid than yours?

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Now is the time to start setting some boundaries.

And I say this as a woman who firmly believes that you don't get an 'opt out of paid work free' card because of your sex - but I don't think you're really doing that. So.

He's off work, so you're both equal in terms of how much time you have to contribute to housework/childcare/etc. If he won't agree to an actual rota, you sit down and talk about expectations and rules in a different way (e.g., some couples allot specific tasks to each person, or they agree an amount of time per day to be spent on housework). And if he won't agree to any of that, then your bargaining chip is easy; no, you won't get a job.

What does he think will happen with childcare when you're at work, by the way? Will he do it?

It sounds like he's calling all the shots, and you're trying to be as much of a Surrendered Wife as you can be on the basis that he'll treat you better. It won't work, and what you need to do now before this gets worse, is decide your own standards and boundaries. And if he's asking you to add to your workload, you need to decide what you need in return.

And you need to get his agreement to it, and you need to have a trial run before starting work. So far he's told you he doesn't believe you do any work, but has refused to do this 'non work' himself. he needs to man up, and fast.

Were you pregnant when you married? Was it a fast relationship? How well do you really know him?

[JodiesMummy]

Agree....Happy Mummy and WhatDOIknow...

Really going now [grins]

[CheeseandGherkins]

Definitely agree that "as and when" means you will be doing it all. How about you stop doing everything now so he can have a taste of "as and when"? Make "as and when" "right now".

[BaggedandTagged]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with revisiting arrangements but the new arrangement seems to be

OP: does what she did before plus works PT
DH: cuts his hours by 50% and spends rest of time devoting self to garage pottering due to allegedly "fragile mental state"

Has been stated by OP that during sick leave, DH has made no effort to spend more time with DD or help out in house. Massive warning light. Massive massive warning light.

I agree that signing a rota might be OTT, but before you agree to changing the status quo, you need a firm commitment to him taking on more around the house, 50% of the childcare etc , not just an "as and when".

He sounds a bit of a cock if I'm honest

[Chil1234]

" tried to be a better wife "

You don't become a 'better wife' by being an unpaid skivvy, picking up after him and your daughter without a murmur. You become a doormat that way. He married someone with a degree, career potential and presumably their own income..... now he has a 1950's style housewife, a child & is feeling the pressure to maintain you all... and some men resent that, even if they originally liked the idea of being fussed over 24/7.

The reason so many women in the past fought to get 'out of the kitchen' and into the workplace was precisely because of what you're finding. Domestic skills are rarely appreciated by partners and many women get taken for granted.

It'll be tough to get him to pitch in given that he has had several years to get used to doing nothing around the home. Be very hard-nosed about it and treat him less like a 'king' and more like a 'man'. Good luck

[Casmama]

whatdoiknowanyway - it is all very well to give him the benefit of the doubt but as far as I can see he has done fuck all to indicate that he wnts to share the burden. He is not currently fulfilling his part of the bargain but expecting his wife to not only fulfill hers but to get a part time job as well.
Compromise I think you need to take a tough stance here - if he will sit down and agree a rota with you so that he can see exactly what will be expected of him if you both work part time, and if he fulfills his part of this rota for say 3 weeks then you will get a part time job. If however he will not discuss it then you will not discuss getting a job. You should also stop acting as a bloody skivy for him - if he is not working then he can make his own flipping lunch and how about making you a coffee once in a while?
Sorry I'm ranting, your dh may be struggling but he is also being a cheeky bastard and you shouldnt let him away with it.

[MUHAHAHADascheese]

Hmmm the problem here as I see it is that your DH is being told by you that this is fine but it's clearly not fine with you. You have updated your Cv and signed up for agencies letting him think it's all OK with you when it's not.

Compromise is acheived when both parties are happy with the outcome.

talk to your DH really soon because this appears to be a huge issue and possibly on ethat can be resolved.

Make sure you are clear about what your responsibilities are in the house and don't just talk about 'bringing you cups of coffee and making your tea' Be clear what you will expect from him if he's working part time.

DP and I both work, I expect to do the majority of the 'in the house stuff, cooking cleaning ironing' I expect him to do the majority of the 'changing lightbulbs, checking the cars, garden and house maintenence stuff'

We share the care of littlemad equally.

This works for us, I'm good at the in the hosue stuff he's better at the 'boy stuff'

We found an arrangement about night tims that works for us, I do the early morning getting up with littlemad as I don't really like lie-ins and DP does, but the he makes sure if I have an early start at the weekend that he and littlemad give me a couple of hours in the afternoon.

That's compromise....

Talk to your DH clear he air, don't start working while you feel resentful.

[MsFaithless]

Ok so if he's currently off work and you're supposed to be getting a job why not leave him fully in charge of DD and the house all day for a couple of days while you go out to agencies, talk to prospective employers go for a coffee etc? Fully in charge means all cleaning, cooking etc too!

If he really expects things to be 50/50 he needs to understand exactly what that entails. Perhaps a reality check will let him know it's not all sitting around the house chilling out being served snacks?

That said I fully understand your dissapointment in the situation, it's hard when you have agreed how you will handle things a couple and one person changes this.

[ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers]

No things aren't working but the op's dh can't expect her to get a job and still do everything around the home.

[SuePurblybiltByElves]

Look, if he's off for the next few weeks and not physically finding life difficult, why not suggest a trial run? Work out how two PT jobs would break down and which days - take a guess. Then break down childcare and housework, every scrap.Divide that up too (and make sure you include everything)

Then give it a go. On your "work" day, make yourself a packed lunch and off you go, anywhere you like. Leave him at home with a strict budget (so no MaccyDs and softplay), list of chores and the DCs. Come home after the agreed working hours and do the same for a week. He can go off on his "work" days and you can divide up the weekly shop,evening childcare and everything else beforehand. Stick to it like glue and see if it changes anything. Worth a go?

[SuePurblybiltByElves]

xposted with Ms Faithless. We are so right msF

[Litchick]

I think many women make the mistake that their DH will be happy if they make a perfect home life...when the reality is a lot of guys won't even notice the butter is from France, the curtains have been dry cleaned and there are fresh flowers in every room.

You have obviously half killed yourself, OP, doing all kinds of chores that your DH simply doesn't appreciate.

I think your DH's unhappiness also highlights another fact that seems to get ignored a lot. That being the sole breadwinner is a terrible pressure for many, be they men or women. I know I would absolutely hate it.

Working part time, if you could get the right jobs wiht the right salaries sounds rather lovely.

[Laquitar]

I find your language a bit odd tbh.
'agreement', 'rules', 'sacrifice', 'model wife', 'signing rota'...

Is he anything more than 'breadwinner' to you?