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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..because I'm sure I'm loosing perspective..

57 replies

IhateSunday · 21/11/2010 12:33

(Namechanger because no - one knows i'm pg)

I'm in early pg and I'm bloody knackered. I have one DD who is a dream really, not demanading (she's primary school age), but up at the crack of dawn, and too young to be left up alone, so I'm up 7 days a week at 6am.

I don't work, so have the days she is at school to myself.

DP works hard, but does sod all else and never has.

The house is a tip. Not dirty, but a tip. There is a mountain of washing to be done, the kitchen needs cleaning and everywhere needs a tidy and a hoover. Oh, and we need to do a shop before the supermarket closes.

He is still in bed and it's lunchtime, and i'm writing this so I don't go and rip his f'ing head off.He went out last night, which I don't mind AT ALL, but I DO mind being disturbed at 2 am when I have to be up with the LO at 6, when i'm in a hormone induced fog of tiredness..

I could have got off my ass this am and done it all, I know it's my job. But It's taken me all I've got to get a bath and dressed. I've just sat here and got more and more annoyed.

AIBU to be maungy and whingy and just pissed off?

I'm just bloody tired, and jealous that he's in bed, and I only ever get about 3 hours sleep without being disturbed.

OP posts:
ramblingmum · 21/11/2010 12:40

I'm not pregnant and only got up at 6;45, but I turfed dh out of bed at nine so I could go back to bed for an hour. So I think YANBU to get hime out of bed and crawl in yourself. I remember the tiredness of pregnancy

AuntiePickleBottom · 21/11/2010 12:41

pop a dvd on for lo and have a nap on the sofa

Chil1234 · 21/11/2010 12:43

YANBU... a loving relationship is a working partnership, not just two individuals who happen to live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. Means looking after each other, helping each other out. I'd start by vacuuming the bedroom... Wink

pirateparty · 21/11/2010 12:43

No YANBU at all.

That initial early pregnancy exhaustion is horrific. I found it worse than having a newborn in a lot of ways. Your DP needs to be letting you have a lie-in not the other way round. Can you suggest lie-ins one each Sat/Sun at the weekend?

And, forget the housework etc for a while, or give him a list of things to do, or the shopping list, and tell him you need him to help out at the moment.

Make sure you sleep in the day when your DD is at school, and remember it gets better at about 12 weeks (I'm just coming out of it, but not the sickness unfortunately)

No, YADNBU. Hope things get better soon.

BangingNoise · 21/11/2010 12:44

Wake him up and get him working.

WriterofDreams · 21/11/2010 12:46

Sorry OP I might be reading your post wrong but it seems like your DH gets days off (as in, days when he can sleep till lunch and not do any work at all) but you don't? You work 24/7?

SuePurblybiltByElves · 21/11/2010 12:47

I am still in jammies Mnetting in a hovel. Really,it is nearing the notifiabloe diseases level. Am not PG though, just tired. So YANBU at all. Get him up.

thumbwitch · 21/11/2010 12:54

I don't think you're losing perspective at all. I think you should send DD up to wake him up/jump all over his sorry arse/blow a toy trumpet in his ear. Something like that.

Luckily my DH doesn't "do" lie ins - I'd be after his bollocks on a plate for that sort of behaviour.

marantha · 21/11/2010 12:55

If you have a child of school age and are not working in a job and admit yourself that you have weekdays to yourself, is there a way you can balance the housework out a bit better so you are not confronted by a tip on a sunday?
Just two hours everyday of housework should see you right, shouldn't it? It would still be only fourteen hours a week.

Original poster
IhateSunday · 21/11/2010 12:57

WOD, he does get days off, but is on call 2 weeks out of 4, so can be woken all hours, but doesn't usually have to leave the house. In the process I get woken too, and have trouble going back to sleep, always have done. This week has been a busy week for him so I know he's tired. He's also had a migraine, so I know he's not firing on all cylinders.
BUT... I feel like rubbish and have to keep going. I would just feel too guilty to lay in bed for this length of time. I suppose that is what is making me a bit sad actually.

I'm beginning to worry how I would cope with newborn LO with how tired i'm feeling, but I need to remind myself it's because i'm pg that i'm finding it all overwhelming.

I can not be bothered to start on the kitchen or anywhere else for that matter, and he would have no idea what to do with a dishcloth. I suppose as long as we have clean clothes for tomorrow, the world won't end if the kitchen looks like it's been ransacked for a while longer.

I just don't like the fact it's getting me down, when it really shouldn't, and I have no idea why.

OP posts:
marantha · 21/11/2010 12:57

Either that or lower your standards. No offence but I get really peed off with these nasty comments about men, yeah, so YOU may not feel like doing housework. Fair enough.
And the posters empathising with you about that is reasonable.
But why the hell should he feel like doing it,if he has worked all week, too?

atswimtwolengths · 21/11/2010 13:01

I'm sorry, I know I'm going to get flamed here, but you've had all week to tidy and clean the house.

You have to get up early, yes, but then you have six hours a day when you're on your own - you could easily clean up for a couple of hours a day and sleep for four!

I know how awful that early pregnancy tiredness is, but I also know how awful it is going to work full time and coming home to find nothing at all has been done.

AuntiePickleBottom · 21/11/2010 13:02

i would say he should be up, not doing housework....but spending time with his child.

Original poster
IhateSunday · 21/11/2010 13:03

Yep Marantha, you're right, I mostly do my chores in the am after my cup of tea and Jeremy Kyle!!! I know I don't have it hard at all, I have a nice life, a nice house and I don't have to work. 2 hrs a day is not a lot to ask.

The mess is just weekend mess TBH, cos I sat in my ass yesterday, didn't empty the dishwasher etc.

Thats why I really have no place to moan, and am not usually bothered, but it's got me down today and am a bit shocked by it tbh.

OP posts:
Dolittlest · 21/11/2010 13:08

Two issues I can see.

  1. Why do you have to get up at 6am every morning? Surely at weekends you should be taking turns (ie. he gets a lie-in on Sat, you on Sun). That would be fair. I'd try to calm down and have this conversation in a serious, rational manner at some other time.

  2. I do understand the dreadful tiredness and sickness of early pregnancy, but I sort of see the previous poster's point. You don''t work, your only child is at school - what do you do all day?

marantha · 21/11/2010 13:10

IhateSunday Perhaps your hormones are a bit all over the place? A bit of tiredness can make seem everything seem out of perspective.
Listen, the world isn't going to fall apart if you are too tired to do the housework.
As long as certain basics are done: laundry, cooking, washing-up, a household can run OK, I find.

I do think the housework should fall to you if you're up to it however, the assumption of a lot here is 'You're not up to it. Tell him to do it' Well, I'm sorry, while I empathise with tiredness, I feel like saying, 'Hey, maybe he is knackered, too!'

Earlybird · 21/11/2010 13:13

Does your dp know you are pregnant?

Not having a go, but how did things get into such a state if dd is at school all day during the week? Is there something you can do to prevent it happening again, once you get it sorted?

Practical suggestions for now:

  1. Would you rather do the food shop today (while he stays at home with dd), or let him do it?
  1. Put one load of essentials into the wash, and tackle the rest tomorrow.
  1. Is there one area of the house you can clean today so that you feel better about the state of the house? Put some nice music on, or an interesting radio show and start doing it. The music/radio will distract you, and stop you seething.

Leave the rest for tomorrow. Agree with poster who suggested you divide housework up into two-hours-per-day so it doesn't get too much to tackle.

  1. More long term - can you afford a cleaner? Once a week or twice a month? Will help you get big chores done.
Earlybird · 21/11/2010 13:17

And fwiw - if your dd is up so early, it is a perfect time to give her some juice and sit her in front of the telly for an hour while you go back to bed for a bit. She should be able to do that 'unsupervised'.

Btw - congratulations on your pregnancy!

Original poster
IhateSunday · 21/11/2010 13:17

I do what normal SAHM's do, and am usually up to date with the housework, hence why I'm upset it's in a bit of a mess. It's just not to my usuall standard. It's not weeks worth of mess lying around, it's literally cos I didn't do anything yesterday, there are toys left around etc, and plates on the side in the kitchen from last night. I last hoovered on thurs afternoon...
I'm not a complete slattern!

I think the issue is I'm usually on top of it, i'm not now, it's overwhelmed me and it's pissed me off.

I know how crap it is to come home and nothing to have been done, I used to work 2 x 12 hr shifts on a weekend until the beginning of the Summer,and you wouldn't believe the carnage these two could create in that time...

I don't expect DP to do any of it really, just maybe support me and understand i'm bloody knackered.

But I do expect to have the chance of 6 -8 hrs sleep on a night. Especially in early pg.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 21/11/2010 13:19

if you got a spare bedroom, could either your or dp sleep in there when he is oncall

pinkdelight · 21/11/2010 13:20

Um, have to say I agree with Marantha. If you have all the time that your child is at school, that should be enough to sort the house. I'm not saying that's woman's work - god knows I don't do it - but I work full-time. Isn't the deal that if he works, you stop the house being a tip? I know what you mean about early pregnancy, but there should be enough time during the day for you to take it easy and also get stuff done. I don't think 6am is mega-early either. It's when many people get up for work.

pinkdelight · 21/11/2010 13:22

sorry x-post. busy on here today!

marantha · 21/11/2010 13:25

I think if you are feeling OK, the housework -for now- should fall to you.
If you are NOT feeling OK, then only do the basics. Unless really whacked, dishwashing and laundry should be doable.

Do NOT agree with 'You're knackered. Kick him out of bed' school of thought, as he may be feeling knackered, too.

He should have sympathy with you, but you should have sympathy with him in return.

letsblowthistacostand · 21/11/2010 13:26

If he's waking you up all night long, could you sleep in separate rooms? Not getting a full nights' sleep is probably the reason for your bad mood!

Also, I know where you're coming from--if you went out you wouldn't get to lie in until noon the next day, so why should he? Yes, he's tired and so are you but that means you have to work together, not that one of you gets to check out.

muggglewump · 21/11/2010 13:34

Why do you need to get up at 6 with a Primary School aged child?
Surely she can help herself to cereal and watch a DVD for an hour or two?

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