Am I or is DP?

[OnceUponA]

So a bit of background, DP and I don't live together at the moment, I am out of the UK for 6 months with work.

About 2 years ago DP was close friends with a woman at his work. She was always very rude to me but he always made excuses for her behaviour. Anyway it turned out they were sending very flirty emails etc to one another. I was absolutely gutted, not only because of the messages but because I couldn't believe he had made excuses for her rude behaviour towards me when actually that was the tip of the iceberg really.

I asked DP to stop meeting the woman socially. I would never normally put limits on who he can and can't be friends with but in this instance I personally felt it was fair.

A few weeks ago he went on a work night out, and she was there. Fair enough I thought, they all work together.

However two nights ago he went out again with another woman from work and this first woman.

I personally feel annoyed that he would go out with her in this kind of social situation. I feel like he is becoming friends with her again and I don't think that is right.

AIBU in being annoyed? He thinks it is all water under the bridge because it happened two years ago.

To me it's simple, you don't trust him because he stuck up for her when she was rude and they were sending texts to each other, you won't ever feel comfortable about him meeting her socially. If he loves you enough he'll understand this and won't go, if he goes knowing how it makes you feel then it's not working

no, you are not unreasonable to be annoyed.

You would hope that he loves you enough to understand the way you feel and put you first, but you cannot tell him who to be friends with. If he wants to be friends with her, he will be and you have a choice - accept that or tell him that it's a deal-breaker for you and you want to end the relationship because you cannot be with someone who accepts a friend of his being so rude to you.

If she's nasty to you for no reason, chances are she's got a thing for him. Hopefully he loves and respects you enough to not do anything. Although sending flirty messages would indicate there may be something both ways?

Anyway, you can't control him or make him cut someone out, but you can decide what you will and will not accept to remain in a relationship.

So you're still together with your DP?

Yeah, I'd be annoyed if this happened to me, it doesn't matter whether he thinks it's water under the bridge or not (which sounds to me like he's trying to trivialise it and make out you're being OTT) it's an issue with you and that's what he should care about.

How did you find out he went out with her? Did he tell you? If he did that would make me wonder why he'd do that knowing how you feel about her.

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd feel like this - he crossed a line with this woman and it's likely you only ever got a diluted version of what went on between them. If he values your relationship, he'll respect your feelings and keep her out of his life. If he continues to rebuild his relationship with her, then I think you've got major problems already.

He told me that he went out with her and now he is very sorry that he did so. But I think he is sorry for upsetting me, not sorry that he did it if you see what I mean. I do think he is trying to make me seem OTT. Or that he doesn't quite understand the issue.

YANBU but of course he understands the issue. But he's like a lot of men... easily flattered and terrified of getting old. :) If you have a bad feeling about their relationship (and I don't think you really believe it all stopped 2 years ago any more than the rest of us) then go with your instinct and kick off big time.