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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about another little girl....

25 replies

MittzyWithTinselOnHerBittzys · 19/11/2010 16:33

A sort of friend of DD's but DD often complains that this little girl is unkind to her, mean comments and has hit DD on one occasion. DD is 8 and her friend is 7

DD was stressed this morning and saying 'please don't tell me off for saying this' over and over again.

She then related that when the children at school are being called into class, the other little girl calls the teachers and teaching staff 'fucking bitches' under her breathe but loud enough for DD to hear.

DD begged me not to say anything to the parents or teachers. She is a little 'frightened' of the Dad, and I don't like him at all, but reasons may or may not be relevant here. The Mum is lovely from what I know. DD is worried she will get into trouble for telling tales or that the girl will be even meaner to her.

Would IBU to say something to either the Mum or Teacher as it makes me sad that a 7 yr old is using language like that. Or just keep my nose out and deal with DD only. And in which case how?

I have told her that is a horrible term and especially coming out of a lovely young girl's mouth Sad.

OP posts:
Pompoko · 19/11/2010 16:39

Have a word with the teachers. She could be a mean spirited child or her perents have low standerds for her or there is a problem.
Dont burry your head in the sand, you could realy make a difference or at least have your consence clear if all is well

BiscuitsandBaileys · 19/11/2010 16:41

I think I would have a word with the teacher and let them deal with it. I wouldn't approach the parents, but that's me!

BeerTricksPotter · 19/11/2010 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MittzyWithTinselOnHerBittzys · 19/11/2010 16:49

Not massively relevant but they are separated.

I suppose on a low level, my dislike of her Dad makes me concerned about where she is hearing the language, although my feelings are sort of gut, with a few minor actual reasons to not like him. If the girls do play, I don't mind much when she goes to the Mum's house, but very reluctant to her going to the Dad's, but as I say it is a niggle rather than something concrete.

I have dealt with bullying and stuff before, but this just unsetteld me.

OP posts:
brass · 19/11/2010 16:49

I would just talk to DD about it - give her some coping strategies to stay away from this girl. Does she have to line up in a particular order? Because she could make sure she is nowhere near her in the line iyswim?

I wouldn't get involved directly - if he is nasty you may (and your DD) get the brunt of his grudge for the coming years at school together. Also you don't know how the mum would take it.

I have always found it better to teach my own children helpful responses to situations rather than dragging the teacher into everything.

If this child is this bad the teacher will probably already be aware. Obviously talk to the teacher if it escalates but you are not responsible for the other girl iyswim?

brass · 19/11/2010 16:53

You obviously have strong feelings about them as a family wouldn't it make more sense to steer clear?

Original poster
MittzyWithTinselOnHerBittzys · 19/11/2010 17:17

I would steer as clear as I could from the Dad, and generally do Brass.

My gut feeling is just to do something, although am not certain what. I am not wanting to scaremonger that she is in an abusive environment but she is 7 and using language like that and it was not a one off, I think I would like to know if it was DD so we could define her boundaries a little more clearly.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 19/11/2010 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 19/11/2010 17:33

DD has 'begged' you not to talk to the teacher or the girls parents and I would respect this. The girl is swearing, there really isn't much the parents or teachers can do about it and it's not really hurting anyone - it's not like she's beting kids up behind the bike shed.

I think it's much better to talk to your DD about it and ask what she would like you to do if anything. Explain to her that if you were to talk to her Mum it might help her friend and you will do your best to make sure her friend doesn't know it was her that said something and wont get in trouble from her Mum. See what she says. You will gain a lot of trust and respect from her and this may help her and the girl in the future if she feels she can confide in you.

I dont't think the teacher will think there is much she can do about it really.

brass · 19/11/2010 17:39

'I think I would like to know if it was DD'

But this girl isn't your DD and as unpleasant as it is you're describing something that goes on in every playground.

My DS, when he was in reception, was able to tell me all the swearwords he knew. I knew which ones he'd heard at home and which ones he'd picked up at school! Grin

If your gut is still gnawing at you then have a discreet word with the teacher by all means but stay away from the family.

Original poster
MittzyWithTinselOnHerBittzys · 19/11/2010 17:58

Yes, you are right brass, it is not my DD but 7 year olds using language like that Sad.

It might not make much difference, but to just let it go? She uses language like that in front of 4/5 year olds and they then use it? In front of their even younger siblings?

That is so so sad.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 19/11/2010 18:12

It is pretty awful - but what I find more awful than the swearing per se is the 'intent' - not just swearing but swearing 'at'/'about' the teachers. At this age they should love/idolise their teachers :( It really does make you wonder what's going on in her mind. Does she get on OK with her teachers or is she unhappy at school?

brass · 19/11/2010 18:16

Welcome to the school playground!

I'm not being flippant I felt like you when my DC started school and their world expanded beyond the one I'd created for them.

You can't control other people or their parenting or their children but you can inform and reassure your child that their world is safe and secure and has boundaries which you think are terribly important.

Original poster
MittzyWithTinselOnHerBittzys · 19/11/2010 18:39

I have a 12 yr old DS brass and have challenged a lot of bullying, I have lots of children to my home from 6/7 to mid teens and have just not encountered this. Even the teens, and they are mostly boys, pull each other up if their language slips in front of my DD. And I respect and appreciate that.

Is the girl happy Chipping? My gut would be to say no, not that I am qualified to judge but despite my weak and feeble protestations, the house is regularly carrying more children than live here Grin, and she strikes me as troubled. I have reasons for disliking her Dad and don't like my DD going to his house when the girls have been getting on. DD is wary of him. His language is not to my choosing given the nature of his and my 'relationship' (in the loosest sense of the word).

I feel like a dinosaur Hmm

OP posts:
brass · 19/11/2010 18:43

Mittzy you're not a dinosaur. If you're experience is telling you somethng is very wrong then def have a word with the teacher.

Just think approaching the mum puts you in the firing line whereas if you speak to the teacher at least she can (should) keep it anonymous.

Pancakeflipper · 19/11/2010 18:47

Do you rate your DD's teacher?
Not the popular view but if I rated the teacher I would have a private chat just to say I am a little concerned about " X" and why. Say you feel abit of idiot speaking to the staff but you are worried. They may be aware of other things and it's another piece of a jigsaw puzzle, so they could help the kid more. It doesn't sound like the behaviour of a happy kid - more of a resentful unhappy kid.
Often we bury our heads in the sand and ignore. But if she's unhappy and she can be helped now - will save a lot misery later.

Original poster
MittzyWithTinselOnHerBittzys · 19/11/2010 18:50

Yes, I think that would be better than the Mum, and it makes it less 'personal' I hope? We are all generally very protective of our DC's and if I don't handle it right it will make school runs uncomfortable.

With regards to respecting DD's wishes, I am considering how best to balance dealing with it and keeping her comfortable.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 19/11/2010 18:56

I don't think the situation is serious enough to over-ride your promise to DD & could really damage your relationship if you do - is it really worth it over a child saying 'fucking bitches'? Because really, if you talk to the teachers that's all you can say isn't it?

As I said before I would talk to DD and see what she would be happy with.

brass · 19/11/2010 18:57

See what the teacher says, you can gauge it from there.

LynetteScavo · 19/11/2010 19:02

I don't think the swearing which is the concerning bit here...it's the other bits, reading between the lines.

Personally, I wouldn't do anything atm, but if I saw/heard of anything else of concern, would flag it up with the school.

LynetteScavo · 19/11/2010 19:03

Actually, I might say something...DS picked up language like this on the playground at 7...with hind sight I wish I had said something to the school.

Pancakeflipper · 19/11/2010 19:06

It's not so much the words but the context they are in... There's hatred, bitterness, a slyness developing in her personality.. Hatred against authority... Presume it comes the dad..? Poor kid, to feel such hatred at 7.

Snakeears · 19/11/2010 19:34

I would suggest tell the teacher and so they can then listen out for this and tackle it so it need not come from any child...(as a teacher this is what I would do)

CrazyPlateLady · 19/11/2010 19:57

Personally I don't think that telling the teachers about someone swearing at them under their breath is going to achieve anything. Just make sure that your DD know she isn't to use that language.

I had a friend from the age of 7. I was brought up by strict grandparents with very good manners, my friend was brought up by (sounds horrible to say it but I can't think of a better way) 'scabbier' family who swore, always had nits, not many boundaries etc. They family weren't horrible (always nice to me) but they were rough as anything. My nan said the mother used to be down the really rough pub at the age of 14 getting into fights with full grown men!! I picked up a fair few words from this friend from the age of 7, just never used it at home. Children do learn this stuff and teachers aren't going to waste their time dealing with something that they don't even hear.

princessparty · 22/11/2010 19:02

i don't really think it's any of your business, or your place to say anything TBH

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