To be annoyed that my MIL-to-be has requested that I call her 'mum'?

[KnockedUpMell]

I'm getting married in a weeks time and my MIL to be has asked (via fiancee) that I call her mum. To me that term is reserved for my mum, and I've offered to call
MIL 'mother' or any other alternative, but since her other DIL calls her 'mum' she's insisting only that term will do. I've refused on the basis that I don't like being told what to do, it doesnt feel natural to me, and she isn't very motherly (am already 21weeks and she hasn't ever asked me how I or the LO are doing, although she is happy to tell me what I should or shouldn't do at my wedding). AIBU?

Well, it's unusual, but I think some of you are a bit quick to jump on the idea that the MIL is some kind of a control freak.

Depends how she said it really

I can see this will probably become an anti-MIL rant as per so I'll back away gently .....

Stick to your guns and say a polite no, if she gets her own way over this she will be such a nightmare when your Lo is born-congratulations

no way! YANBU. Call her by her first name.

YANBU

I call my MIL Grandma even when the kids aren't there! I try to remember to use her real name but normally default to Grandma

She does sign birthday cards etc as love Mum and Dad despite the fact they are PIL. Doesn't upset me at all

Have to agree with you and everyone else, MUM is for your mum only How about "mummy dearest"!! for the MIL

Tell her you already have a mum and that you will only ever have one mum. I think shes a bit odd actually trying to get you to call her mum and through your DF!!

Good luck

nice of her to ask, wrong of her to insist, both dil and sil call me mum, but that started when they were boyfriends and girlfriends, dd and ds call their father pops, but dil and sil call him dad.

My mum calls her MIL mum and tbh I think it's a bit weird. She's not her mum. I wouldn't do it and would be hurt if my DCs called their MIL mum.

jamieleecurtis I know what you mean everyone seems to assume she's being a nightmare control freak she could just as easily be suggesting this as a way of warmly welcome her new daughter-in-law into the family, we honestly don't know enough about her to tell.

I love my MIL dearly and sometimes feel like this makes me a bit of a freak! We've clearly all just been scarred by over exposure to Les Dawson jokes as children

yanbu
I love my MIL but cannot call her mum(my mum died when I was 18 and that belongs to her) so I call her mother.
just call her something you feel happy with.
If she doesn't like it tough

This is a bit difficult though - it is a generational thing.

My MIL made it known (very nicely) that she wanted to be called 'mum'. I felt very awkward about it, but it would equally have been a bit too forward (given her age/generation) to call her by her first name.

For the first few years I got away without actually using anything! But eventually, when I realised how much it meant to her, I did start calling her 'mum' and my FIL 'dad'.

But then she is also a lovely woman and I'm lucky to have a good relationship with her.

I think it's strange to insist but to say you can call me mum now isn't unreasonable or weird.

Even more strange that your oh says it's normal in his family but has no intention of calling your mum mum.

YANBU - perhaps call her Mil? Or her name even?

YANBU, I couldn't call my MIL mum. She isn't my mother! Tbh I also find the idea kind of tacky.

But look, she must really like you to have suggested it. My MIL seems to loathe me and I am sure she'd prefer me to call her "Mrs MIL" or maybe "Sir". So, just don't call her mum (I bet you couldn't force the word out of your mouth anyway), but take it as a (strange) compliment.

"I've offered to call
MIL 'mother' or any other alternative, but ... she's insisting only that term will do."

TheFurryone and Jamieleecurtis that doesn't sound warmly welcoming to me.

What do you call her now?

You should do trying not to call her anything!

My Mum and another Aunt do this with my paternal Grandmother although some of my Aunts call her Ma or Mammy. Mum usually ends up going with Grandma, although she says that only really works when my cousins and I are about, which is a pain given that my Grandma lives with my parents and we don't. Its not a bitchy thing though just the way it has evolved over the last 40 odd years.

Not sure if it is relevant but both my Mum and Aunt who don't call her Mum lost their own mothers young. Maybe they don't do it as they feel it might airbrush their own Mum out so to speak.

But YANBU - maybe you should refer to her as Mum of DH at all times.

For Example:
'Hello Mum of Bob, how are you?'
'Would you like tea Mum of Bob?'

When I read the title I thought YABU. My Mum used to call her MIL and FIL mum amd dad. I think this used to be the norm a long time ago. However the way she asked is out of order. She should have asked you to your face in a welcome to the family sort of way, and made it quite clear she understands if you don't like it. So YANBU.

Doesn't bode well! xxx

It's nice if it's done by choice and with affection on the part of both DIL and MIl but it is just controlling and weird to insist upon it.

My Aunt by marriage called my late Nan (her MIL) "Mum" from the time of her marriage back in the 60s to the day Nanny died, and viewed Nanny as a second mother too. That was lovely, but in your case, no, I would be calling MIL Mrs X if she objected to me using her first name and would never be bullied into callng her "mum".

I love YellowDaffodil's idea though! :o

My MIL 'hinted' at this quite a few times. I put a stop to it pretty quick by pointing out that I had a mum and I wasn't going to replace her, thank you.

Funnily enough, dh did slip up quite often and call my mum 'mum'. He also told me that she was more like a mum to him than his own mum (he'd said the same about his aunt, too). That's how likely it was that I was ever going to see his mum in that role!

Oh, please call her mum of Bob!

If your DH is unwilling to call your Mum ' Mum' - then that is the end of it.

I call my MIL "Mum"- but she never asked me to. I do it because she's one of those sweet, wouldn't say boo ladies, and I'm quite fond of her. Also she lives quite far away, so she and my real mum are never in the same place at the same time.

If she'd been the type of woman to out and out demand it (via DP, no less!), I probably would have refused on principle.

So YADNBU

Mum of Bob is brilliant

I think it works just as well if DH isn't called Bob

I don't call my mil anything. Which is a bit horrible isn't it?

When I first met dh I was very young and at that awkward stage where I didn't really know how to address adults. 20 years later I am perfectly capable of adressing adults but still don't know what to call my inlaws so I don't call them anything.

My mil obviously feels odd about it too because in my birthday card she writes "from Grandma".

Meeting someone when you are young can complicate family issues I think.