to be upset - partners mum and sister said last night that we're not a proper family since we're not married yet.

[Mirrorball]

we have two children, 3 and 5, we've had our ups and down over the years, moved house a couple of times, pregnancies, job changes, horrid PND, school admissions palaver... it's all just flown! Oh and we've never had spare cash for a wedding. In my eyes we are a close, happy family, just getting on with our lives, bringing up hopefully lovely children. The piece of paper has never been important to me.

Last night partner had an argument with his mum and sister - they said we have done things the wrong way round and we're not a proper family (ie I'm not family yet because I don't have their name!!!!) because we're not married. I am furious and quite upset. Surely the fact that I've given birth to their grandchildren/nephew/niece and have never been anything but warm and nice to them, included them in everything to do with the children etc, makes me family? I'm gobsmacked at their attitudes. Even if we did get married I may keep my name... all very odd. Should I say something or just keep quiet!????

YANBU But it sounds like your partner's doing a good job defending you and your family against their fairly outdated ideas. Are they religious, from a different culture or just old-fashioned? Can see why you're upset but let him deal with them....

As a side-issue, there are various advantages to making your relationship legally permanent but not being a 'proper family' really isn't one of them.

Keep quiet and revel in the glory that your DP stuck up for you. Lots wouldn't.

Your in laws are out of order, but they are for your Dh to deal with. YANBU to feel upset. But honestly, having your DP get into an arguement with them over their attitude is priceless.

Meant DP in the middle there, obviously!

I have to say it IS our intention. we have tried to plan it a few times, I have a dress and everything! We've been engaged since 2005.

Thanks Chil, I think they are just being a tad traditionalist, entitled to their opinion, but I just think it's a really cruel thing to suggest, since we ARE a family!

That's horrid.Of course you are a proper family.
DP and i aren't married and will be 25 years in January.
We don't get on with ILs and i'm sure they don't consider me as their family.
I don't care.We all know we are a family,and so do you.
It's probably not worth a row,people like that rarely change their minds or opinions.But they have shown their colours.

Could they be being genuinely concerned about legalities to protect the children etc? As a grandparent maybe you do worry about that stuff for your grandchildren. Maybe his mum really thinks you should be his next of kin now rather than her.

Of course you're a 'proper family' - they are being nasty & pathetic.

That is horribly rude - especially if they know you are planning to get married, it sounds as if they are just being spiteful, to be frank.

How could you not be a family when your children are their grandchildren/nieces and nephews? If they drew a family tree, you'd be on it, wouldn't you?!

Your DP sounds nice though.

Thanks everyone, that's just it - we have had some plans and rarely talk about it, but then when we refer to it as a joke now alongside the royal wedding next year it's like Oh you two just get on with it or stop talking about it... but last night the discussion went deeper and it seems they feel I'm not family and that we're not a proper family...!!! huh?

I just do not understand this mindset and I would never say anything like that about anyone close to me. I'm uber protective of my little family. I agree the legalities are very important which is why we do want to be married, it's the planning and the wedding day I really cannot be bothered with! Their attitude has honestly made me consider just us going away with the kids and making a holiday of it, getting married and doing it totally our way.

DP is nice, he is quite good at sharing his opinions (sometimes to his detriment and causes some arguments in our house!!!) but like me, very protective of US and the life we're building together. From what he told me they were firmly put in their place.

No, I don't understand it either - why say something so nasty :(

I think if you would like to be married but don't really want all of the planning and hassle then doing as you have said would be a great idea. However, who will it upset if you do it? My parents would be devastated not to be there :(

I'm glad DP put them in their place - mind you, it would also have been prudent to have kept his big gob shut and not told you!

If you do want to get married, but just don't want the palaver of a wedding, there is nothing to stop you from having a quiet, private wedding with just the 2 of you present. No planning or hassle involved.

You don't even have to tell your ILs if you don't want to. The holiday idea sounds lovely btw.