To think that our child should have both our surnames?

[nomoreheels]

I am P with our first child. It's still slightly early days (my 12 week scan is next week) and we have agreed not to do too much "baby planning" until after this. Nevertheless you can't help talking about some things from time to time, and we were having a little jokey talk about baby names.

He then suddenly said: "I'm assuming the baby will have my surname?" to which I said I thought the baby should have both our surnames. He seemed to think this would be awkward and look ridiculous on the birth certificate, cause issues at school etc. He has a real thing about double barrelled names. Ours are fairly normal names and would make a total of four syllables, so not exactly a tongue twister.

He hasn't said no outright, but he wasn't that impressed either. I was surprised he automatically thought this should just happen. He's not hugely traditional in other ways. I found it a bit disrespectful tbh.

(For background, we're engaged, but not yet married as we were focusing on getting P for the last year+. But even when I do get married, I intend to keep my name. I am pretty sure I've told him this, but it's not something you talk about all the time!)

I don't want to have a huge argument about it - frankly there are going to be a million and one choice/parenting issues that come up - but I do believe that a woman's name should be included. Why should people automatically give children the father's surname?

What have other people done? It would really help to have some examples so I can discuss this with him.

I know headfairy!!! I was laughing because after you said about heritedge it suddenly dawned on me DS has a totally Spanish name (apart from my bit of surname), is Britsh and lives in the UK

np need to apologise I wasn't offended or thought you meant anything by it - apperas I don't write well either

My fil went apeshit when we told him that our ds was going to have both names. He threatened to never speak to us again, and that he would never see our ds - what an arse, but it would be par for the course as he walked out on my dh when he was 10 and didn't see him for 15 years. He kept banging on about family etc etc until my dh told him that his name wasn't anything to be proud of and that actually he'd prefer ds to have my surname!

Mumbar, I've got a french first name, a Spanish middle name, and two Italian surnames and I speak English... badly :o To my shame my mother speaks 5 languages.

His first names actually the spanish spelt version of a quite commen name in Britain as it worked for all sides of the family. DS is hysterical trying to pronounce his middle name

In our family, I am Myname, dp is Hisname and our children are Mynaee-Hisname.

This has never been the slightest problem of any sort at all. Ever. Anywhere.

If you want to, go for it - whatever anyone says.

A point to consider if the unmarried parents seperate acrimoniously and the children remain with the mother, the Family Court is reluctant to allow their surname to be changed from the father's. If, however, the mother's surname follows the father's, and is not hyphenated, then there is less problem if the mother wants to change her/their last name e.g. if she later marries.

We're married, and I have both names as do our children. I think your P was being very cheeky to assume that your children would have only his name! How very 19th century of him!

I exclusively carried our children during pregnancy.
I have been and still am their main carer while DP works full time to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. (Yes I work part time but the money, whilst important, isn't enough to cover the main things and we would struggle without his wage).
Surely it's not to much after all I've done for him to be recognised in some way and if that means they have his surname then so be it.
It doesn't mean that I don't matter. We matter equally just in different ways.

I'm married but ds has my surname. I was all for giving him both (too long to double barrel, would be five syllables) but dh decided his surname is a. very common and b. boring. He chose to exert his wishes over middle names instead (ds has both Granddads' names as middles).

Am very puzzled by this trend for women to give their children the father's name in the belief that 'oh, we'll get married later on and we'll all have the same name then'. So often sadly this does not work out. And there's the mother, left with no name linked to her child. Which is not what she intended at all.

Sort the names out WHEN you have the child, don't assume things will work out later on.

Maybe I'm not bothered because I had the other issue with surnames. I had the same surname as my mum but then she remarried. As a result she ended up with a different surname but it didn't mean there was no link between us or that we weren't a family. She was still my mum.

OK. Haven't read the thread yet other than intro post but very intrigued by this.

DP and I together 8 years - no children yet. We had a hyperthetical (sorry about spelling) argument a few years ago about this situation. He was shocked that I would want our children to have double barreled surname! This was despite the fact that he is very unsure about his feelings towards marriage. It was an intersting conversation considering my views and I'm going to be interested reading on.

My DD has my surname as her middle name. It's nothing like a forename, but then her forename is unusual (odd) too. She may well curse us as she gets older. :o

DP and I weren't married when she was born, we are now but I've not changed my name, so I wanted her name to tie in with mine. I'm also rather fond of my surname having done a lot of genealogy, and we could be the last in our line if my brother doesn't have any boys.

My reasoning for having it as a middle name:
I'm not a fan of double barrelled names and it would have been a mouthful.
She can pretty much drop it if she likes, except for official forms.
If/when she gets married she'll still have my name, even if she changes her surname :o

Good point, bilbio. I like your style.

Wineonafriday, it sounds rather old-fashioned, but if a man isn't prepared to marry the mother of his child, he isn't entitled to impose his surname IMO. Different if both partners are happy being unmarried, obv. - although I'd suggest the woman gives her surname as well as the man. But there are lots of people who don't give their surname to their child because they expect to get married and then it never happens...

My stepmother kept her maiden name as a middle when she married - did that American thing of becoming firstname maidenname married surname (like Laura Ingalls Wilder).

Weird because she had a very unhappy childhood culminating in her father murdering her mother. You'd think even as a feminist ditching her surname on marriage would have been a good choice. She certainly didn't pass it on to my half-sister.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has been said.
My parents followed a lovely tradition that dp and I chose to follow too. My dd has my 2nd name as her second name and dp's 2nd name as her middle name. ds has dp's 2nd name as his 2nd name and mine as his middle name. It means that the dc have both of our names on their passports and that they have a combination of our names. If they then have problems deciding on a 2nd name when they have dc, they won't end up with triple barrelled names.

You could take the first part of your post, though, DiscoDaisy, and stick an entirely different conclusion on it...

"I exclusively carried our children during pregnancy. I have been and still am their main carer while DP continues to work full time and pursue his career (I have cut down my hours to part time so I am now dependent on him). Surely it's not to much after all I've done for the DCs for me to be recognised in some way and if that means they have my surname then so be it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't matter. We matter equally just in different ways."

Not saying that you are wrong -- I think everyone should do what is right for them. But in general as a starting point I think there is at least as good an argument for DCs getting the mother's name as there is for them getting the father's name. In practice they could go on to get one or the other, or both, but I'd be happy if it were the norm to give it some serious thought rather than "default" to the father's name (again, not saying that you didn't give it serious thought in your case, as you have an argument for why your decision was the right one for you).

I didn't give a career up to have our children. I wasn't working when our eldest was conceived so I hadn't cut down on my hours.

dd has my surname then dps surname and it is deliberately not double-barrelled. My surname is not very common, dps is very common. I always have to spell my surname dps is easy for people. When older, dd can choose to drop one of the names but I doubt she will as she has encountered no problems so far. Occasionally people have incorrectly inserted a hyphen but generally people seem able to cope. The only niggle is that on a number of occasions post for dd from dps parents has arrived for her with just his surname on it. I am choosing to be charitable and think they are just forgetting as their other children are more conformist but if they persist with this nonsense they may find that dd corrects them in no uncertain terms !

My daughter has both our names. I didn't change mine when marrying and think I would have felt left out if she didn't also have my name. I do feel a bit sorry for her in having a double barreled name but I'm sure she'll get over it.

Hi there. I'm not married to DD's father and both our surnames appear on her birth certificate. Hovever, as most people from the start associated her with only me she has always been known by my surname only. I'm last of my line and an only child, so this suits me fine.

I was married when I had DS. I use my married name everyday and I use my maiden name professionally. My DS has my DH's surname also.

I don't like double barrelled surnames at all, and our names sound daft together quite frankly.

I'm slightly at the implication I haven't really thought about it or questioned it, or am in some way a Stepford wife (which is quite laughable if you knew me in RL). I made a choice to be a family with my husband before we had children, and I am happy that to me taking his name was part of this. I am much more than my name, and don't really feel it defines me. My DH didn't really mind but I think he's pleased I did, but it had little to do with my decision.

However, I respect that other people feel differently to me. We are all entitled to do what we feel is right for us, and I am very glad we live in a society in which we can make a choice.

Originally its was the man that took the womans name at marriage and so the kids had the womans surname too.

I am always amazed that women give up their names so lightly.

And I am also fascinated byt eh fact that women often say "Oh, my name was boring, his was interesting, so I obviously took his" I have never, ever heard a man say the same!

I kept my name on marriage, and my kids all have their fathers name last, mine as a middle name. Later they can go double barreled if they want. I knew someone who did this with her mothers maiden name at Uni, even though she didn't even have it as a middle name.

BTW my surname is not a "name" type name, and is certainly a surname, so not suitable for boys or girls really. Thats why my kids all have 4 names.

I changed my name by deed poll to dps surname as I still had exh surname.Baby band in hospital had Exh surname on .Dp was upset as was I and I wished Id changed it sooner.