To think that our child should have both our surnames?

[nomoreheels]

I am P with our first child. It's still slightly early days (my 12 week scan is next week) and we have agreed not to do too much "baby planning" until after this. Nevertheless you can't help talking about some things from time to time, and we were having a little jokey talk about baby names.

He then suddenly said: "I'm assuming the baby will have my surname?" to which I said I thought the baby should have both our surnames. He seemed to think this would be awkward and look ridiculous on the birth certificate, cause issues at school etc. He has a real thing about double barrelled names. Ours are fairly normal names and would make a total of four syllables, so not exactly a tongue twister.

He hasn't said no outright, but he wasn't that impressed either. I was surprised he automatically thought this should just happen. He's not hugely traditional in other ways. I found it a bit disrespectful tbh.

(For background, we're engaged, but not yet married as we were focusing on getting P for the last year+. But even when I do get married, I intend to keep my name. I am pretty sure I've told him this, but it's not something you talk about all the time!)

I don't want to have a huge argument about it - frankly there are going to be a million and one choice/parenting issues that come up - but I do believe that a woman's name should be included. Why should people automatically give children the father's surname?

What have other people done? It would really help to have some examples so I can discuss this with him.

oops - actually DS's surname is DPName-MyName - it is easier to say that way round.

I am married to DD's father. I use my name, DD is Miss Echt. Had we had a boy, he would have been called Master DH's name.

OP, your DP is being presumptious. I agree the "natural" way children end up with dad's name is .
Perhaps he needs reminding that as you are not married, he doesn't have any rights in this matter.:o

The double-barrelled thing is quite common these days, so there'll be no problems at school.

yup, no problems at school, all our dcs are mumsname-dadsname (4 syllables all together) and it's really quite common. Do sometimes have issues with schools calling me Mrs mumsname-dadsname but I have an effective Hard Stare if mistake continues after a polite correction!

I have Syllable Envy, Blu.

Mind you I bet you don't have four consonants in a row or an umlaut. (What am I saying - I know you don't )

five consonants, yet

Perhaps tell your DH both or just yours! Afterall only you can register the birth!!

looks poncey and indecisive.

I would, if I had my time again! give my dcs both names and the boys get to keep their fathers when they marry and mine carries through dd!

Everyone has a double barrelled....

My DD has her Dads surname, mostly so that she and her half-siblings would have the same name, as we thought that would help the older ones see her as their sister, rather than as my child.

Sorry but I think using both is pretentious, what difference does it make to 'hold' onto a name?

Tootlesmummy it wouldn't make any difference if the general assumption wasn't that it had to be the man's names which carried on.

YANBU.

Echt that is fine, I don't think it matters whose one is kept but I just don't see the point in keeping both.

If it didn't make any difference then the OP's DP wouldn't be in a huff about whether the baby was given his surname or not.

I think we will go with DH's surname, with mine as a second middle name, for all our kids. It's not ideal but I hate the sound of our names double barreled and I'm not prepared to foist it on a child.

I actually wish my parents had given me a double barreled name though (I've just got my dad's) because their surnames sound great together!

My DC have DP's surname because I don't have any particular attachment to my name and didn't feel the need for them to have it.

If the OP does place importance on her name and wants her child to have it, and intends to keep her name when she gets married, her DP will just have to get used to the idea. As others have said, it doesn't have to be hyphenated and the DP's surname will still be there too. He's not really got any reason to be put out about it, it's not like you want the baby to only have your name.

Whoever mentioned Spain is correct. DS has a double barrelled surname hes ds dadsfamilyname-my surname. His Dad is Mr familyname-mumsmaiden name and I'm Miss mysurname. Me and his father split when he was 13 months and its has been important to me that part of his name is the same as mine as I sign all the forms.

Actually the bit of his fathers name that comes from his mum is her married name from when she married his father his family name is from his stepfather. His brither and sisters have the bit of the name that comes from his biological dad too!

Basically a name is a name it doesn't change who you are but I do believe it does give some the the identity of where you come from.

IMHO YANBU. Congrts on being pg btw

I've also gone the spanish route (though we are Argentine/Spanish so I can claim a bit of a tradition there :o) I am Headfairy Myname Dh'sname and so are the dcs, though quite often I put the dcs names down as just ds dh'sname as it is a bit long winded, but what the heck? My dad was an only and I have no brothers so I didn't want the name to die out.

ds has my maiden name as his middle name, is this worth considering?

We argued bitterly over this with the dds, ending up with some having mine and some having dp's surname, we thought the two together weren't a great combination. It was quite an issue, we both felt too strongly, I had to agree to a pond and lots of sex to get dd2 to have my name, and for dd3 it got even worse...

But a few years into parenthood the dds said they'd like both, and our teenage nieces in a similar household said they'd have liked both surnames too. So we added some on, and now all 3 dds have both our surnames and everyone is happy.

I still have surname envy for people with interesting surnames though, my dds have 2 bog standard boring surnames. I'd like them to be all called Fenneldottir really, Icelandic style.

We were also motivated by realising how normal it's becoming for children to have two surnames, whether double barrelled or not. In our woodcraft folk group, I don't think there's a single child with just one surname correlating to bothe their parents' surname.

Headfairy!! DS is 1/2 stepSpanish His dad was bought up there from 5yo with his mum and (step)dad. His is totally Canarian in everyway but we are all in actual fact British

DP and I are not married but engaged. DP assumed DD would take his name and like you, I could not see why he would assume that. Why should I who carried her and gave birth to her have a different surname to my daughter?

DD has both our surnames (DP sent out the birth announcement with the order before consulting me though, his name is last but at the time it was the last thing on my mind TBH.) On DD's library card, my name was left off. I can see this happening more and more.

The taking of names is a tradition going back to when women and children legally, belonged to the man. Its so outdated , but many people still do it for lots of reasons, lots of them practical, and I sometimes think, oh why make a point of it, just go with him on it.

DP has alluded to the fact that when we get married, we'd both have his name but I don't know what we'll do when we get married. DP will be upset if I don't take his name. I might be double barrelled and he might just have his name. I don't want to get into an argument either. I honestly don't know what I'll do.

sorry mumbar, wasn't doubting your spanish credentials. I didn't write that terribly well sorry.

I didn't take Dh's name when we married (have been always been Ms) and Dh thought the same as me so we hyphenated our surnames for the dc.
It's never been a problem at school or travelling.
I don't care if people call me by dc's surname or dh's if it's a random cold caller/school secretary. I do explain if it matters.
The only concession we made was not to give the dc any middle names-seemed a little ott.

If you think giving up your surname doesn''t matter I think you haven't thought very much at all. If you think your kids having your surname doesn't matter then I'd question how much you think you matter.