To think that our child should have both our surnames?

[nomoreheels]

I am P with our first child. It's still slightly early days (my 12 week scan is next week) and we have agreed not to do too much "baby planning" until after this. Nevertheless you can't help talking about some things from time to time, and we were having a little jokey talk about baby names.

He then suddenly said: "I'm assuming the baby will have my surname?" to which I said I thought the baby should have both our surnames. He seemed to think this would be awkward and look ridiculous on the birth certificate, cause issues at school etc. He has a real thing about double barrelled names. Ours are fairly normal names and would make a total of four syllables, so not exactly a tongue twister.

He hasn't said no outright, but he wasn't that impressed either. I was surprised he automatically thought this should just happen. He's not hugely traditional in other ways. I found it a bit disrespectful tbh.

(For background, we're engaged, but not yet married as we were focusing on getting P for the last year+. But even when I do get married, I intend to keep my name. I am pretty sure I've told him this, but it's not something you talk about all the time!)

I don't want to have a huge argument about it - frankly there are going to be a million and one choice/parenting issues that come up - but I do believe that a woman's name should be included. Why should people automatically give children the father's surname?

What have other people done? It would really help to have some examples so I can discuss this with him.

My DH and I kept our names when we got married, and when DS was born we gave him a double-barrelled name: mine-his. It goes well together and I wasn't going to tolerate DS not taking on my name just because of some patriarchal tradition! (Btw my last name is rare, I am the only one of my generation with it, my dad is an only so no cousins with name either etc my husband's name is ubiquitous something else to consider maybe?)

I am glad in a way that my DH was fine with double-barrelling, as the only other ok option for me would have been to take on my name only! Sounds a bit hardline but that's how I felt about it :)

If you aren't married the baby gets the mothers surname. If the dad wanted his child to carry his name he should have married you. In the UK it is automatically the mother. in Scotland father has to establish parental rights. Contact CAB on line or go to CAB office or local authority Registrars for advice.

I think men get hormonal too and become very cave like about the while thing.

Ds1 has my surname as a middle name and DH HATES it. I did change my name to his when we married but use my maiden name for professional purposes. He hates that too.

Would your surname work as middle name?

My children have both their parents' surnames. This means they have a loooooong Swedish surname (mine) plus a Bengali surname (his). It is quite difficult to fit it all onto a form.

That is, however, the only problem with it. Nobody bats an eyelid that they have a different surname from both their parents. And I would have hated them not to have my name.

I had my DC before marriage and kept my surname when I did marry. My children were given my surname alone and retained that when I married their father. In my case there was good reason - told him that if he was a decent father, didn't leave us again or behave violently to me again for a year then the DDs could have his name too. Until then I considered it unreasonable to change their names (although DD2 was a baby, DD1 was only a toddler so would have been confused) only to very likely be changing them back within the year.

He was gone within a couple of months so it was just as well I took this approach!

Having just my name has never caused my DDs any problems whatsoever. The only issue I have is being called MRS Vallhala instead of Ms!

My surname would only work for a boy - though I suppose it could just be a bit unusual for a girl.

I guess that is my issue fruitstick - he's just being a bit cave and my feminist side is saying "hang on a minute!"

Noticed how he did not suggest that the baby just has my name then, if double barrelled is so awkward...

But I will be fair, and give him time to think about this. I'll explore whether his mum supports me too, as that might help.

FWIW when we registered DD in England in 2007 we were told she could have either surname or a combination.

We've gone for double-barrelled which apparently is frightfully common these days! The major reason we've done this is that we live overseas and don't want any difficulties at passport control when one or the other of us is travelling with him.

If however we move back to the UK we will use just one depending on where we live - English people can't pronounce my surname.

DP and I are both last in line with our surnames, so neither of us were prepared to not pass it on to DS. He has both, not hyphenated. It doesn't cause problems. Sometimes he just gets called on surname or the other, but that doesn't really bother us. Luckily the names go quite well together - I'm sure there would have been 'discussions' if they didn't!

I am rather attached to my surname and so was reluctant to part with it when we got married. DH understood this (just about). So, our DC have the double-barrelled thing going on, with my surname first and DH's second. A side effect of this has been that DH often gets called Mr (my surname) - luckily he can see the funny side of this.

My DC often talk abut which one they will drop when they get married and we have lots of discussions about which combination sounds best. I think it's great that they have that choice.

nomoreheels "My surname would only suit a boy for a middle name. I can keep that as a final compromise if need be, I guess. It still feels like it's taking a back seat though."

Why should you compromise further if he isn't willing to budge?

The way I look at it is that each of you have a surname that you want to keep when you get married and want to give to your child. The compromise is a double barrelled name comprising of both names.

How can he not agree to it? He can't make you give the baby his name only.

I would dig my heels in on this matter.

I took my DH's surname when we got married 19 years ago so DS obviously has the same. Nowadays I quite like the idea of creating a brand new surname out of the man and the woman's eg Turner & Handsworth becomes Turnerworth, that sort of thing.

I've tried to persuade other friends to do it when they have married recently but so far nobody's gone for it.

OH wanted me to db my surname with his and for our kids to have the db surname too. I refused as, in my case, I either get my dads surname or my husbands. Can't choose your dad (and mine is crappy) but you (hopefully!) have chosen your OH. In the end I changed my name to OH's and kids will have the same.

It will be different for the children of people who db of course but they will then have to decide what to do with their kids... quadruple barrel? Kids use Mums? Dads? One of each?

Each to their own though. I know many people won't agree with my thought process and that's fine.

On a final note I was traveling with my step kids back to Australia after I changed my name to OH's. Kids therefor had same surname as me. Standing at customs I mentioned to the kdis that they would see their mum soon. Customs bloke said "Oh so you're not their mum" and I said no. HUGE fuss ensued which wouldn't have happened if I kept my mouth shut. I do wonder if there would also have been a fuss if I had a completely different name to them. If they were my kids would they have just taken my word for it that we had different names or would they have demanded proof?

I have kept my own name, and my children have my husband's name, he was happy to take my name but actually, as others have pointed out, it's my dad's name so I didn't particularly want him to. Our children should have a different name as they have patronyms in my DH's culture and their names should be 'feminised', but then there would be three surnames in a family of four people, and personally I thought this would be confusing.

I also wonder what will happen if all the double-barelled children decide to marry each other. One person suggested that they were happy for their children to chose either, fine if you haven't hyphenated, but if you have, then really, you do risk losing your name anyway.

NB You don't have to double-barrel if you use both names. Your child can just have two separate surnames. I didn't realise this until I was registering DD's name but it turned out that any of mother and father's name, alone or together, double-barrelled or separate, is equally acceptable for official purposes.

I kept my name when I married (this was neither negotiable from my perspective nor important to DH). DD has both of our surnames on her birth certificate but in practice in the UK we just use mine for nursery, doctors, library etc.. because his is more difficult for British people to spell.

So, I am Togarama EnglishSurname, DH is Him ForeignSurname and DD is Baby EnglishSurname ForeignSurname but known as Baby EnglishSurname.

There are a lot of double barrelled names at the school here.

Stick to your guns! In your situation I would either double the children's names and then either double yours of just keep it as it is. This way the children have a bit of each of you.

Can you give us similar names to what yours are? Some names really do not go together.

If a double barrelled married another, well, then they could decide what to do with their names couldn't they? They would be adults and fully capable of making that decision.

I let DD have DP's name, and in return I go final say on her first name; worth considering!

In the tainted house, my surname is the only one. DNephew has my surname (he is my nephew from my brother) and my bump will also have my name. I do not live with the father, but I will be giving the baby my name anyway as I don't see why I should have to give up my name. Also, I want my DNephew to have the same name as my baby.

I hate with a passion the combination of the names thing, it just feels wrong and makes me cringe. Mother's name, father's name, or both for me. Double barrelling is much better than a mash-up.

My DP and I aren't married . The DC all have his surname and I have mine. I'm not bothered they have his surname as it's only a name. It doesn't make me any less their mother or him any more their father.
They needed a surname when they were born and his was as good as mine.

Ours don't have double-barrelled names because it would be unfortunate with DH's name and mine (one is a noun and one is an adjective, so they just sound silly in combination), and I prefer DH's last name to mine so they do have his last name (in consolation their middle names are all family names from my side).

But if your names go well together I absolutely agree with you. Dig in your heels; there's no reason he should "assume" the baby will have his surname and you're not proposing something freaky and outlandish.

I think you should stick to your guns. Using the father's name is absolutely fair enough for people who want to do it, but for those mothers who want to keep/pass on their own name, I don't think there's any serious reason why they shouldn't. Especially if you are keeping your name after marriage!

My SIL gave my niece my brother's name, but only because he said he'd marry her so at some point they'd all have the same name. They haven't got around to it yet and it does bother her to have a different name to her daughter.

You don't need to give a man 'ownership' of his child via his name being the only one the kid has. A double-barrelled one is fine, imo.

Officially I have my huband's surname but I do use both names together on most things, not hyphenated though. When I registerd DD1 I gave her the two surnames but DD2 ony has my husband's surname. So officially DD1 has a double barrelled surname and is different from the rest of us, on our passports for example.

At school I use just DH's surname for all of us as it just makes life easier.

It must sound really confusing but I get to use what name I choose for whatever occassion