to say no to school disco?

[mumbar]

DS 6.3 (YR2) was on the sad side at school yesterday for something minor but something he should ahve and knows how to deal with better. Had a chat with him about it and said if he went on the sad side today he wouldn't be allowed to the school disco. There is history of once he's silly once it starts becoming daily for a while.

Well he's come home saying he went on the sad side for being silly in assembly.

I have said he knew the consequence of this and he told me 'no Disco' so he remembered. He has apologised and is now crying as he'd like to go. I have stood firm on 'no' as it was an unnecessary misbehaviour - ie his choice.

I feel guilty and horrid and I'm unsure whether IBU or not??

I'll let the mumsnet jury decide. (gently please!)

Stick to your guns! If you made the consequences clear, but you don't follow them through then he won't take you seriously in future. Hard lessons and all that. If you make a threat you have to be prepared to follow it through and deal with the guilt!

I know Usually a simple warning of no more unacceptable behaviour stops it. This is the first time he's not headed a warning.

If it's any consolation, I struggle with this too - the little buggers darlings are very good at making me feel like a horrible mummy, even when I know I'm doing the right thing!

what's the 'sad side'

You should not have said he couldn't go if you were not prepared to follow through, that was BU. I don't know whether it is a proportionate response or not as don't know what he did and the history behind it. I would probably let him go but I am a big softie. Could you let him go but not allow tv on saturday or something?

YABU, but I don't think you can go back on yourself now. You warned him, he knew the consequences of going on the sad side, but I think it isn't really fair for children to be punished at school for misbehaving (going on the sad side) and then punished again at home.

Let the school deal with his misbehaviour. I don't think punishing agian at home helps much (talking from bitter experience). Unless he has done something really bad that the teacehr tells you about, don't even ask him if he was on the sad side. The teacher will tll you if it is important.

Overmydeadbody makes a good point.

mumbar don't have unrealistic expectations of him. He was being silly in assembly, not rude or horrible, he was, in effect, being a normal 6 yr old boy. Assembly is a struggle to sit through at that age. I doubt he deliberately made the intention to be silly and misbehave.

Is there time between now and disco for him to "earn back" the disco by VERY good behaviour.

No TV on Saturday - that would punish me

They have faces hairy. They all start the day on the smily face and if they do something unacceptable go down to the 'line' face and then the sad one. They go up to the WOW if they do something really good. They are giving warnings (asked to stop) before they are moved down.

It wasn't a major misdemeanour he was playing with the child in fronts hair - but he carried on when asked to stop, although he says he didn't know they'd asked him to stop until the teacher told him at the end.

hairy the sad side/sad face/cloud etc and happy side/happy face/sun are just very quick visual clues class teachers use to show a child that they have behaved in an unacceptable way, and that is the consequence. Children usually get put on the sad face/cloud etc after being given a few warnings or doing something they know isn't acceptable.

It is not always effective.

I think you need to stick to your guns on this, hard as it is, he knew the consequences and he did it anyway.

I think the "sanction" of being made to miss the disco, is far too harsh for the misdemeanor, which presumably was dealt with at school. I agree with the poster who suggested you allow him to "earn back" going with good behaviour.

Thankyour overmydeadbody thats a very thoughtful post. I agree that punishment at school should be sufficient but DS needs it to be backed up at home because he often doesn't get that x rule means x rule wherever you are - he's not good at transferring his skills.

Now he's calmed down he's told me exactly what happened.

1. he is playing with childs hair
2. looked at MR X who 'stares' at him. 3)DS carries on
3. A lady (he doesn't know) 'stares' at him too.
4. end of assembly lady comes over and tells him to stop.
5. back in class his teacher puts him on the sad side.

Unfortunatly I know he was looking at the teachers as he knew shoudn't be playing with the girls hair but I know he does not picked up on non-verbal language so really wouldn't 'get' why they were staring at him. DS even said 'Mr x was staring at me but I don't know why'.

He's YR 2 so he does know its wrong but tbh if the teacher had spoken to him to stop he would have and therefore not have been sad sided. I'm not one to give in so DS is currently tidying his room to earn back the disco.

Sounds like a good decision to me.

I have boys in my class just like that mumbar. a stare really isn't enough. Not sure playing with someone's hair is that bad anyway, unless the child who's hair it was was objecting.

no the child actually asked him to - apparently. DS is not good at saying no even when he knows he's wrong. He is eating tea at the mo, I haven't told him yet he can go I'm going to tell him and get him dressed at the last minute.

I don't want to stop him going as his social skills are immature already and so its good for him but I also want to him to learn there are consequences to poor decisions.

Thanks again everyone, MN to the rescue again

Thanks overmydaedbody its useful to have the insight from a teacher who deals with this daily.