To not want to invite my mother in law for christmas this year because of money??

[frozenfeline]

It's all a bit of a long story, but in short.... My Dh and I have spent every year with her since we have been together.We have always got along really well, and DH adores her. Over the last few years she has borrowed money from us, and we had given her a credit card to use. All the money was supposed to be paid back at the begining of the year when her investment matured. We have waited months with various excuses as to why the money is not in yet. This week we kind of ambushed her asking for proof that the money exists. Turns out... She has been lying the whole time! My BIL wants to disown her. Dh and I are furious as we will have to sell our house to pay off the £20,000 debt she has run up in our name. I am still trying to help save some kind of relationship between her and my dh, because He loves her so much and for the sake of my children, but I don't think I want her here for christmas! AIBU?

YANBU!

I feel bad that she will be on her own if I don't invite her here.

YANBU!! My goodness. You have to sell your house! That is huge. I hope that she understands what position she has put you and DH in financially with her lies. I hope she genuinely needed the money for needs and that the lying isn't something she does on a regular bases. You should still have her over, Christmas season and all forgiveness and all that but don't loan her any more money.

I don't think I could even look at her never mind have her for Christmas.

If you otherwise get along and the truth has come out, is there some way of getting her to pay you back? Does she not have a home to sell in order to repay these debts? I don't think its an unreasonable suggestion and I don't think the law courts would either (though I'm not suggesting you go there, if you can fix it amicably).

I don't think I could ever speak to someone again who had done that to me let alone have them over for christmas!

I am wondering why she did this? There must be something going on behind the scenes.
Did she confess easily, how was she acting when the truth came out? Did she offer any explanations at all? Does she drink or gamble? Is there any mental illness?
I think if it were us, we would know something was very wrong for mil to do anything like this, I guess it depends on your mil's character, and life style.

As far as the money goes, maybe you can arrange something with the bank? And maybe mil can get some help, what she did is no way to treat family.

There will always be 'some kind of relationship' between her and your husband because they're mother and son. However, plunging someone you're supposed to love into debt so bad that they have to sell their family home and lying to them in the process is so beyond the pale that really it's down to her to make amends, not you and not him. He can still love his mother but he has to stop being a doormat.

As to contact and Christmas visits. Does she seem remorseful? Are the money problems entirely her fault? If, for example, she's been blowing the cash at the bookies and laughing in your face... then no, don't invite her. If she's the victim of sheer bad luck and is genuinely apologetic... maybe you can salvage something. Obviously, don't lend her any more money.

Yes, I agree entirely with Chil. It really depends what her attitude is, here.

Cant she sell her home to pay the debts off?

YANBU

How did she rack up £20,000 debt? What has she been buying?

Lesson to be learnt: Never lend money to anyone, even if they are family. Especially if they are family.

She should sell anything and everything she owns to pay you back before you have to sell your house.

Why did she run up the debts? Doesn't she have any assets? Why did you give her a credit card in the first place? How old is she? Does she have mental health problems?

On the face of it YANBU for Christmas or again in the near future.

Yanbu

I couldn't forgive this of anyone.

what does your DH think you should do?

I dont think YABU if you feel you cant be relaxed around her
Where has all the money gone?
Was her investement a nice man off the internet that had lots of money needing tranfered from hs country?

Tell her Christmas has been cancelled at your house, due to her actions.

You have every reason to be absolutely furious but as to where you go from here so much depends on the circumstances.

What has she done with the money? Does she have any asets? What is her attitude to the situation?

If you are seriously having to sell your house yet still trying to salvage a relationship you are a better person than me.

id recommend that you ask her to review all her assets and sell as much as she can to repay part of the debt. Then extend your mortgage rather than sell the house in a down market, as interest rates are very low right now. Make a plan for her to pay into the mortgage account - around £50 a week.

Only if she agrees to all this..then invite her. Otherwise, you are being taken for an extended ride. Oh and Christmas and birthday pressies now in the £5 bracket for her. The balance of what you would have spent goes into the mortgage acct from here on in.

Bloody hell!

I´d find that hard to ever forgive tbh.

But cannot understand for the life of me why you gave her a credit card, especially when she was already borrowing money, as she is clearly crap with it.

I'm quite sure OP and her husband are feeling pretty foolish for not spotting this all before and hindsight is a wonderful thing. What we need to concentrate on now is what she (and more importantly MIL) can do to sort all this out.

Does MIL work or have any income? Does she own her own home (it sounds like not if you're talking about selling yours to pay for this). Can SHE get a remortgage or a personal loan to pay you back (even if it's only for some of it)? If not, why not? Is it because she doesn't own/can't get a loan or just because she doesn't want to?

If she can get a loan of some description, the £20K needs to come straight to you, not to be paid off over time.

Otherwise, she is going to have to pay you back over time. You need to sit down with her and work out what she can afford to pay back. Even at £50 a week, it's going to be more that EIGHT YEARS before this is all paid off and you need to bear that in mind before you agree to this as opposed to any other means of repayment. It's going to be hard work for you being sweetness and light (or even just civil) while this is hanging over all of you.

As for Christmas, well to say it's cancelled is probably not too far wide of the mark is it? Because of her selfish and irresponsible behaviour, you are in so much debt thanks to her that you are having to sell your house. I guess that means that other outgoings are also going to have to be curtailed while you get this sorted. Whilst I don't think it's helpful to lay it on too thick, she needs to understand the full impact of the position that she has put you, DH and (which will probably hit home hardest) her grandchildren in.

If the worst does happen and you do have to sell the house, make sure that you add all the costs (solicitor's fees, agent's fees, removal costs) to her debt - that is actually what this is cost you, so she will also have to repay that. And make sure she does repay it, if you sell the house - selling the house is the short term solution to this to protect YOUR position, not the long term solution that she needs to deal with!

Best of luck OP.

Sounds like you are all in the sh*t and its not going away unless you all pull together.

Christmas is just a stick to beat her with.

Get some mediation,(dont know where-but you have to let her know that you love her very much,but shes got to come clean on whats been going on ,and work hard with you to put it right-is she involved in a scam,mentally not well/coping,whatever.) This is a symptom of a bigger problem- shes behaving like a frightened kid,pretending its not happening.

Protect yourselves(and her)by taking responsibility for finances but dont cut her off, shes sounds vunerable and needs a way to make it up to you, counselling for you and her may help you sort this out.

Christmas is the least of your worries.

YANBU. Did you take out loans for your MIl as well as give her a credit card? What I would do is get all the financial paper work together and then ask her how she intends on repaying it. Does she have a house that SHE could sell? If not then I would seriously look at how SHE can meet the payments on what is her debt. If none of this is going to happen before you rush into selling your house I would get advice from organisations like the CAB or the debt charties like Payplan and CCCC - links to these can be found on Martin Lewis Moneysavingexpert.com. Please don't rush into anything before taking advice. As for MIL the only way she'd be sat round my Xmas dinner table would be if my Xmas card contained a cheque for £20K or a plan to how it would be repaid

It will ruin your Christmas if you invite her over - why not let Christmas be a time away from the stress of the whole situation.