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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite my mother in law for christmas this year because of money??

63 replies

frozenfeline · 18/11/2010 01:28

It's all a bit of a long story, but in short.... My Dh and I have spent every year with her since we have been together.We have always got along really well, and DH adores her. Over the last few years she has borrowed money from us, and we had given her a credit card to use. All the money was supposed to be paid back at the begining of the year when her investment matured. We have waited months with various excuses as to why the money is not in yet. This week we kind of ambushed her asking for proof that the money exists. Turns out... She has been lying the whole time! My BIL wants to disown her. Dh and I are furious as we will have to sell our house to pay off the £20,000 debt she has run up in our name. I am still trying to help save some kind of relationship between her and my dh, because He loves her so much and for the sake of my children, but I don't think I want her here for christmas! AIBU?

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 18/11/2010 09:51

Agree with DinahRod. All sounds very odd though to me?

FindingMyMojo · 18/11/2010 09:52

She has lied to you and her son, deceived you in order to fraudulently extract money from you so she can live beyond her means. Sorry but her behaviour is destructive pathetic - how long did she think she could go on? I would be loathe to protect her from the consequences of her actions - clearly she is going to need some help to resolve this, but I think she also needs to really feel the impact her actions have had on her family, before she can move forward.

I would be finding it hard to even look at her too let alone speak to her. Of course you are always going to have a relationship with her and things can only improve from here, but I really don't think it's unreasonable in light of the despicable way she has treated you all to ask her to 'stand down' this Christmas.

Maybe a Christmas alone, will help her face up to all the shit she has caused you & your family (which is clearly ongoing) and think of some way of repaying you. Does she have a house she can sell? If so she needs to do so & downsize her lifestyle considerably. in order to pay you back AND live within her means.

Is she generally a lying manipulative bitch? Or do you think perhaps she has some mental health issues or big behind the scene problem that drove her in desperation to steal from you? I wouldn't cut her off forever, no way, but I'd probably ask her to stay away this Christmas for everyones sake.

Sarsaparilllla · 18/11/2010 09:54

YANBU!!

The debt is hers - don't sell your house, she needs to repay it, even if it's in your name she can't surely expect you to be responsible for repaying it???

As others have said, hasn't she got a house or other assert she can sell?

The debt is her responsibllity - don't sell your house to pay it off, it's not a good time to sell now anyway.

I feel for you, what an awful position to put you in, and NO she shouldn't be invited to Christmas dinner or anything else for that matter until she's figured out a way to resolve this.

truffleshuffle · 18/11/2010 09:55

YANBU.
What a selfish woman!

CrazyPlateLady · 18/11/2010 09:58

YANBU.

IMO, this is totally unforgivable and extremely selfish on her part. I'm not interested in her reasons. She knew she was borrowing money from you knowing full well she was actively lying about being able to pay it back.

If you have her there for xmas, it will ruin it as this will be hanging over your heads. Possibly last xmas in the house you have to sell due to her selfish actions!! Does she not have a house to sell?

If you invite her around as normal, because you will feel guilty about her being on her own, she will think it is perfectly acceptable to behave the way she has. Angry

QuintessentialShadows · 18/11/2010 10:03

You need to call a proper meeting with her. No shouting no screaming, just lay it all out to her, and find out how she intends to repay.

Dont even suggest you will swallow this for her.

Tell her you stand to lose your family home over her actions, so what does she intend to do to prevent that from happening.

Does your dh have any siblings?

mamatomany · 18/11/2010 10:05

Is her house going to be sold too ?

I think if she could never have paid you back and she will admit to lying you might have a case for fraud which will obviously have implications for the old lady but might save you financially.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/11/2010 10:07

That is a thought. I would get some legal advice. She obtained the money fraudulently, so you could bring a fraud case against her.

Tell her you may have to get legal advice and the police involved.

InkyStamp · 18/11/2010 10:07

Goodness me! Is there ANY way she can get the money so you dont have to sell your house?? :( What housing is she in? Does she own it, can she get equity loan for it? What a horrible situation!

diddl · 18/11/2010 10:52

I would also get legal advice.

If the credit card is in your name & was obtained with your permission, you might find yourselves liable tbh.

mamatomany · 18/11/2010 11:24

She's definitely liable but the MIL has gained money by deception which therefore might mean the courts can force her to repay and with that order the banks might be more lenient towards a payment plan with the OP.

purplepidjin · 18/11/2010 12:22

You should have her for Christmas. Turkey's expensive.

TrinityTheTwattyRhino · 18/11/2010 12:25

yeah cook her

cheaper than turkey

I wish I had a solid reason to either cook my mil or just not invite her

I'm just hoping she says no

Original poster
frozenfeline · 19/11/2010 00:51

She does not have a house to sell as she rents. The money she was supposed to be waiting for was apparently from the sale of my dh childhood home, which she invested??? The new story is that she was paying for her mothers care home fees. That opens up a whole new can of worms though as her mum was getting a pension of 400 a month and should have had 16k in her bank account when she passed away a couple of months ago. Mil had full access to all. Its all gone! Ive thought of taking her to court, but you cant get blood out of a stone.., she dosnt own anything really. I think the money went on 5* spa holidays and alike over the years. I just dont know what to do about this.

OP posts:
anonymosity · 19/11/2010 01:00

Does she have a job and earn money? you can work a pay-back payment plan on a low interest rate. If she needs to, she can rent a smaller (cheaper) place. I would thrash it out.

Want2bSupermum · 19/11/2010 01:25

If she has a pension see if you can put a lien aganist it. That way when she kicks the bucket you will be repaid GBP20k before her estate is divided.

If she has no assets I would suggest she sells everything and moves in with you or another family member. She could then repay you and your DH what she was paying in rent. If you have children she should be the nanny. The money you save in childcare costs would go towards paying down her debt to you.

I know I wouldn't want to live with my MIL but if she owed me an amount that meant I was going to have to sell my home I would tolerate the wench for the time it takes to repay the debt.

mamatomany · 19/11/2010 07:46

I'd still take her to court to find out if she was lying and had a secrete stash, you'll feel a right tool if you sell your home and then suddenly a nest egg appears at a later date. You could also get an order that gives you first dibs if she wins the lottery that kind of thing.
I would also make her work it off in childcare/babysitting that sort of thing.

Plumm · 19/11/2010 08:05

YANBU. We're also in a position regarding MIL, borrowed money and lies and we are definitely not seeing her for Christmas. DH was always close to his mum but is so furious with her he can hardly bare to be in the same room as her.

My MIL and yours have ruined relationships that are far more important than money.

You need to sit down and look at how you can repay the debt without selling your house and without relying on her to give you back the money.

You say that BIL wants to disown her - did she also borrow money on him mor is he angry on your behalf?

Balsam · 19/11/2010 08:29

I think I'd have a hard time ever speaking to her again. What she has done is inexcusable, end of.

You say you want your DH and DC to have a relationship with her - why, when she has shown such a cavalier attitude towards their futures?

Curiousmama · 19/11/2010 08:38

We were ripped off by exdh's bro that was for over 16k. Will never be seen again. I certainly wouldn't have him over for Christmas seen as I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

jumpingbeans · 19/11/2010 08:42

It never fails to amaze me what some people do to their children, she should hang her head in shame for what she has done to you both, but that said, she sounds like she needs some help of some sort.

Longtalljosie · 19/11/2010 08:45

Could she take out a commercial loan and give you the money?

Could you remortgage? How much equity do you have in your home? I know that's not at all ideal but better than losing your house...

No - don't have her for Christmas btw

Longtalljosie · 19/11/2010 08:47

If you have any equity at all I would suggest even if your current mortgage provider won't put an extra £20k on the mortgage, that you go and see a broker and just give it to them straight - explain exactly why you need to remortgage and ask if anything can be done.

And to those saying she shouldn't have to do this - of course she shouldn't. But we are where we are.

LucyGoose · 19/11/2010 18:07

What a nightmare! You need to see an attorney ASAP about your legal standing. Obviously, if you got the credit card for her, you are liable. But he can give you advice about what to do in regards to increasing the mortgage or filing a fraud suit against her. Sounds horrible, but it looks like she defrauded you and her own mother too - does she have mental problems?

OTTMummA · 19/11/2010 19:00

I bet she's got a fat little nest egg tucked away somewhere and is banking on you and your DH to pay off this CC.

What a bitch.
Take her to court if you can.