To be shocked at the the rudeness of brides/grooms about gifts

[pigletmania]

Am I! I thought that I heard it all. This has probably been done to death but hey what the hell. Wedding gift lists were supposed to be about helping the bride/groom set up a new home together, nowadays more people live together beforehand and have most of what they need, it seems to be about greed and grabbiness. My dh friend got married and had a John Lewis list, on it was a £1,000 plasma tv, as well as wait for it, no ordinary toaster no, a £200 Dualit toaster, as well as a La Crusset pan set.

On here recdently a poster told of a couple that they knew, who put their bank details on the wedding invite, wtf!!! It becomes more like a transaction, and rather business like, than personal and special. Very grabby and rude imo. There and breath

YADNBU

It's sickening. It's just a grab fest for some people for things they do not need.

I know, we just told people that we dont want any gifts, and if people asked us what we wanted we said get us what you think we would like, and we got all sorts of lovely and unusual presents and if not vouchers.

Dh and I asked close family for help to go on honeymoon as a gift, and said no one else need get us anything. Dh was out of work and I lost my job a week before the wedding, we knew it was happening and so had moved into pil's house and had nowhere to put our existing stuff, let alone gifts, and I hated the idea of a gift list or asking for money. You wouldn't believe the uproar when we tried to say thank you but no presents. People were absurdly upset at the idea of not bringing anything, to the point that a friend of the pil's whom I had never met telephoned me at work demanding to know what we wanted as a gift. Mil ended up coming down to see us in the run up to the wedding, sitting us down and saying, look, give me a list of things you would like as she couldn't take the increasingly rude phone calls about what to get us any more! We ended up making a short list of things we would love but didn't need storage, stuff like iTunes vouchers (dh is really into his music and I like talking books) and theatre vouchers. And even after all that we got several sets of glasses, lots of bottles of vintage champagne, a silver plated photo album which is enormous and the strange man who phone me up got us a le Creuset frying pan. It was madness. I hate asking for anything, and I actually love the beautiful doulton glasses and I think the pan is the most used kitchen item I own, plus we had a few really lovely experiences, such as a weekend in London at the theatre which were so lovely that the time after our honeymoon felt like an extended honeymoon and was really nice. I think the point I'm trying to make is, with wedding gifts, you can't really win. If you have a list somewhere, and put things you actually want on it, people complain about what you put and get you what they thunk anyway. If you don't have a list but ask for money/have a wishing well type thing, people get grumpy about what you want the money for or hate the idea of money as a gift, or think you are greedy. If you don't have a list at all or want any gifts, people get highly upset and strangers call you at work to persuade you to ask for a saucepan

Someone will always be upset, whatever you ask for when it comes to weddings, and I think one of the nicest things about ours was that our real friends and close family either gave nothing but put something into the wedding (ours was a real family done village affair where my step mum did flowers, a friend drove us as even the photographer was a great and close friend) which meant so much, or gave money towards the honeymoon which we would not have been able to have without their generosity, and the people who really loved us and got that our wedding was about the marriage and the celebration and not the material nonsense surrounding a "wedding" were happy with what we wanted. If you don't want to buy from a gift list and have a special gift in mind, then that's great, and lovely and personal and will no doubt be appreciated by the couple in question as you will clearly have put some love and thought into the gift. If you don't Wang to buy from a list because you think they are greedy, why are you friends with them and why go to the wedding if thatches what you think of them?

Sorry that was long

Lots of spelling mistakes. Grr at iPad autocorrect

Kitty its not the gift list per se, it can be really helpful, and good to know you have bought the couple something that they want, but some couples see it as an opportunity to get as much as they can e.g my dh friend. As for including the bank details in an invite

YANBU. I wonder if your DH's friend is my BIL? He & my SIL had the plasma & the toaster on their John Lewis giftlist along with a video camera, pc, coffee maker & hostess trolley!

It's quite distasteful, isn't it?

I think people get into a sort of 'wedding zone' where they lose all sense of reason and common courtesy. From presents, lists, asking for cash to hideous huge dresses and matching napkins/chair covers.

I felt uncomfortable about having ANY wedding list at my first wedding,we had one in the end as peopel kept asking, but the most expensive thing on it was about £50 and most was well under half of that. When I got married for the second time, we decided to go abroad so as to avoud any sort of awkwardness.

The bank details thing; a bit strange. Maybe they are just intensely practical, organised types who just thought it might be easier? I have a friend who is deeply into spreadsheets and the suchlike, it does sound like the sort of thing she might do :) Not totally romantic though, I agree.

I think most people try to put some smaller things on a list and a couple of bigger items, with the idea being that family might want to get big or important items and others can buy like one cup and saucer towards a set, that type of thing. Having said that I did have a friend who was mildly crazy when planning her wedding and put all sorts on the list, arguing that they had things like spoons so would it be unreasonable to put an iMac and iPad on, or a years gym membership etc, as she was paying for them all to have a posh dinner? I thought at the time it was horribly grabby, like making a list for Santa or a shopping list or something, without thinking about the people who would receive this list. Seemed quite impersonal. Not as if she would look at her iMac in years to come and think, ah, X bought us this lovely iMac on our wedding day, how thoughtful. Mind you, they split up and never got married, and for that particular couple it was very much about the event and "my wedding day where I'm the queen". She even had quite openly chosen ugly bridesmaids dresses so we "looked bad next to her", so maybe she demonstrates your point. I get a bit het up ha ha as I was so keen to make sure our wedding was focussed on the marriage and not the materialistic nonsense and people kept trying to make me care about things like John Lewis gift lists and naming the tables that I felt like my very heartfelt sentiment was being hijacked, I really hate the overcommercialism of weddings and how people are made to feel inadequate if their cutlery isn't hand engraved with their initials. It's so competitive.

I've kind of lost the point of what I was saying ha ha. Sorry, it's late and I'm pregnant and hormonal, and there is a kitten trying to bite my fingers as I type :) I sort of agree with op and sorg of have residual anger about the pan conversation, it would seem. Where did I put the emergency chocolate?

YANBU in the slightest, but all the grabby types who do it will come on here and not only defend it, but make out that you're being unreasonable!!

Oh, and what does 'there and breath' mean?

Dont worry Kitty im falling half asleep been a long day he he.

I got an invite that had a schmaltzy poem about your presence being gift enough, followed by please makes cheques payable to A.N. Other!
Made me laugh out loud but I did give them a cheque!

YANBU.

Kitty81: that was a lovely story.

I have to say, I think YABU

i dont think it's unreasonable to put big ticket items on a gift list so long as there are also plenty of affordable items or a voucher option.

No-one expects to get everything on the list, and in many cases people do club together to buy bigger items.

It also depends on the usual spend within your circle of friends. If it's usual for people to spend £100-£150 on a present then some more expensive items are normal.

Have to admit I had Le Creusset pans listed on mine (albeit separately, not as a set). They last a lifetime and personally I'd much rather buy someone a single Le Creuset Skillet than a full set of cheap pans that will be dead within 3 years.

I agree, gift lists/requests should never be included with the invitation. However I think either are acceptable if the guest asks what the couple would like. Most people do give a gift when attending a wedding and it's better to have some idea of what the couple actually want.
If there were only expensive things on the gift list then I would buy a gift voucher for that specific store, rather than feeling pressurised into buying something I couldn't afford.
I don't agree that the price of the gift should cover the price of the meal. That is the choice of the couple to have that kind of wedding. For all they know, the guests may have been happier with a 'cheap and cheerful' reception in a local hall, rather than a 5 course meal in a stately home or whatever. Do guests really care about chair covers or table centre arrangements? Probably not, so I don't see why they should feel obligated to contribute a bigger gift to
compensate.

YANBU. We were invited to a wedding where the bride and groom asked for either a contribution to their 5 star honeymoon (hit a nerve but only because we can't even afford Butlins right now), or a to choose from a list of overpriced stuff at JL. Amongst the things on the list was a set of saucepans at about £300+ all in, a knife set for over £200, infact cheapest thing on the list was around £100. Wouldn't mind but neither the bride or groom fucking cook!

We didn't go, we simply couldn't afford to. And the gift list (going on for one page about the awesome honeymoon) just depressed us a bit.

When my niece got married I asked was there a list and she said no they'd been together since uni and had bought a house so they just asked for dollars towards their spending money.Didn't have a problem with that.

When we got married we used to live in a tiny bedsit and were absolutely pennyless. No wedding list as we would have had nowhere to actually put any gifts. We did not even think about asking people for money instead. Our family helped with the wedding expenses though, one offered us the cake and my mum cookes a meal for us at home (there was 13 of us at the wedding). Very low key but so much fun and lots of happiness have resulted of it in the last 14 years

"Amongst the things on the list was a set of saucepans at about £300+ all in, a knife set for over £200, infact cheapest thing on the list was around £100. Wouldn't mind but neither the bride or groom fucking cook!"

Now they are thinking "If only Saffy had bought us that set of knife! the beautiful feasts we would now be cooking!" It is your fault they don't cook

Friends of mine were moving to a new house afer their wedding and their wedding list was white goods but you could pay part of it (£50 towards the fridge or new washing mashine...) I thought that was reasonable.

I dont mind giving people money as we just got married and have everything that we need already and would be asking for things just for the sake of it, but where are the thank you cards? I sat a wrote hundreds of the things, but rarely get one for the presents that I send!!!

I live in Belgium and it is considered normal to put the bank details on the wedding invitation - I was a bit shocked the first time I saw it, but having seen several invites now and having talked to people it is normal here - my partner just says they're more practical here.
We are getting married next month, and have lived together for years, so was not planning on any list, but have been forced into it by the number of people travelling from abroad , or who can't make it and want to buy us a gift, and by my lovely mil to be who has insisted that she is so excited and wants to buy us stuff we want. Our list ranges from £5 -£80. I didn't send the gift list details out but it seems to have made it's way around everyone via some secret network - or mil .
I will appreciate any gift given, but would much prefer people to come to the wedding and have a good time.

Hear hear,BabsH I've been to a wedding (cash gift, requested), a christening, two first birthdays, and bought for several new babies, where the frick is my thank you notes? How come I had the time to do it with my DD and no one else does?

I dont like wedding lists either- much prefer just buying something i think they'd like or I pop money/vouchers into a card if Im not sure of a gift.

I also dislike those little poems you get with the invites saying blah blah we have all our pots and pans etc so just give us cash instead! I do give them money but I dont like being asked to!

My uncle bought one couple, who had lived together for years before marrying, a goat as a wedding present. It was a charity where you donated money to a charity and they gave a goat to a family in parts of the world where that was a really big thing.

The bride and groom were thrilled.

We had a gift list as people do like buying gifts but was plates and saucers on it and loads of cheap but useful stuff. But we did the Greek art of money pinning.

I had one friend who shelled out to go to her friend's wedding in some tacky castle Ireland. Now the friend isn't talking to my friend as well as paying for the trip to Ireland she should have also bought her a gift!

I'd like to think we did the wedding list thing in the least grabby way possible

We had a list, but we didn't put it in with the invites. I was really, really anxious about it. I know how people get stroppy about those awful "GIVE US YOUR MONEY" poems that get slipped in with invites (and I agree they are grabby and presumptuous) so I wasn't prepared to put the gift list in the invites, despite John Lewis posting us about 100 card inserts without us requesting them. We also had a fairly modest list with low priced items on it.

If people asked if we had a list, we told them about it. As it happened, a lot of people bought from the list, some gave us money, and some gave us presents. All very much appreciated, and all got thank you cards

I admit it though, I AM a bit annoyed about the friend of mine who didn't even give us a card.