To be shocked at the the rudeness of brides/grooms about gifts

[pigletmania]

Am I! I thought that I heard it all. This has probably been done to death but hey what the hell. Wedding gift lists were supposed to be about helping the bride/groom set up a new home together, nowadays more people live together beforehand and have most of what they need, it seems to be about greed and grabbiness. My dh friend got married and had a John Lewis list, on it was a £1,000 plasma tv, as well as wait for it, no ordinary toaster no, a £200 Dualit toaster, as well as a La Crusset pan set.

On here recdently a poster told of a couple that they knew, who put their bank details on the wedding invite, wtf!!! It becomes more like a transaction, and rather business like, than personal and special. Very grabby and rude imo. There and breath

Some places give the B&G a discount on unpurchased items from the wedding list if they buy them themselves after the wedding; I have no idea whether JL do but if so that's one potential reason for putting big items like a television on the list -- you aren't actually expecting anyone to buy it for you but it means you can buy it yourself more cheaply later on.

I do get what a previous poster said about not remembering 'Ah, X gave us this when we got married.' I had a wedding list, and there was Denby crockery on it (all listed as separate items). My teapot got broken recently (it was an accident, it happens) but I did have a little secret weep about it as it was given to us by some old family friends from my parents' church, both of whom are dead now. I can even remember the card that came with it.

My mum's getting me a new one for Christmas, but it won't be the same.

I'm not sure what this contributes to the debate, but hell, I've typed it now, I'll post it!

YANBU OP! Shocking behaviour. I would buy them a goat or something from Oxfam to give them a reality check.

When we got married we did have a wedding list but only with modestly priced items and I did NOT enclose it with the invitations. If people asked (and the majority did I have to say) then I gave them the details. We got a lot of lovely gifts and we sent Thank You cards for every single one.

I am shocked at some couples, barrating the gift giver for not buying a gift big enough to pay fir the meal, the mentality of some. I do think that a gift list is a good idea providing there are affordable items on it. Yes Madame yes your nil might be my dh ferns, though he is now divorced. Some just see it as an opportunity to scrounge

we got married 3 weeks ago and am currently half way through writing the thank you cards...!

As lots of people above, we didn't put the list in with the invites and, although we had a couple of more expensive things on there (knew there were friends who'd said they'd like to club together and buy something bigger) most was less than £30.

John Lewis also let us put charity angels on too so there is a very lovely donation going to Macmillan Nurses in our name which means a lots more to both a us than a kettle!

Not entirely sure any of this is relevant but OP, YANBU!

YANBU. My wedding was really small and most of my friends were still at uni so we asked for nothing. Was [shocked] and at people's generosity though, we got a lot of vouchers which we bought house stuff with. But the best present was actually a board game because it was very 'us' IYSWIM!

When I hear about weddings and wishlists like in your OP TBH I cant help wondering if they are more excited about the wedding than the marriage!

I am with you BabsH, we have never received a thank you from one family for all the baby gifts we sent nor for one wedding present. it is just rude. Different generation but then I am the same generation and brought myself up so maybe they just don't think. Mind you they were lent money for a house deposit and didn't see fit to write and thank the giver .

if they ONLY put things that were so expensive/extravagant on there, then yes YANBU.

That said, if they havd smaller/less expensive items then actually YABU.
Some people like/want to spend silly amounts of money, a friends parents gave her a cheque for £5,000 and her in laws bought them a brand new flat screen tv, surround sound and blu-ray player, along with paying for a hefty portion of the day itself. At the end of the day it's your wedding, and your list and you can put what you like on there as long as it's with the understanding that the only gift you should be expecting is the persons presence

I don't think it's rude to include bank details/ a gift list in your invitations, it saves having to have to send them out to everyone seperately, but again you need to be gracious about it as guests shouldn't feel obliged to spend anything other than the cost of getting to the event etc

Not writing thank you cards is just plain rude, when I got married we aksed for gift vouchers rather than having a list, and sent a card to everyone, even someone who gave us £1.83! (which we suspected was left over from someone having given the gift card to them) and we even sent a few thank you for coming cards to guests who'd come a long way - manners cost nothing after all

My niece has just sent me a wedding invite- complete with a John Lewis store-card. I feel like sending it back to her and telling her to stick it where the sun does not shine.
It has infuriated me all day.

I HATE HATE weddings at the best of times and this stupid wedding list thing just adds insult to injury.
I feel like sending her (and all the other bridezillas I know) a message along the lines of:
Look love, apart from you and your groom-to-be and close family, nobody gives a that you're getting married. Stick your wedding list you-know-where.
I won't; but it is how I feel.

Oh, did I mention that YANBU?

Well, I'm old-fashioned. I think mentioning gifts in the invitation, in any shape or form, is crass. Having a list to tell people about when they ask is absolutely fine as long as it has a good range of prices. Asking for cash is crass, however it's done. Buying no gift at all is perfectly acceptable. Sending thank-you cards is essential.

Rant over.

Absolutely agree, Balsam, and the annoying thing for me is that these people are supposed to be well-educated and of 'good family'.
I did NOT ask they just informed me in their wedding itinerary- like a bloody military operation this itinerary is, too- I don't know why it has wound me up so much but it has.
Rant over.

Thing is, it's SO commonplace nowadays that it's not surprising that people think it's acceptable. I don't think I've ever received an invite that didn't include gift information/cash requests.

YANBU and I'd go further and say thats its not just some of the wedding present demands that are out of order but also the hen/stag parties. Some people appear to think that because they are getting married everyone who loves them has to spend like lottery winners on everything related to the wedding.

A friend of mine expected us to go abroad for the weekend for her hen do then wanted us to go to a dinner the night before the wedding then obviously attend the wedding with present/vouchers in hand. To this day I have not received a thank you card for the present although I must have spent hundreds from hen night, gifts, hotel, outfits, travel etc.

I don't know why people think expecting their guests to spend this type of money is acceptable.

Telling people what to buy is a bit hmmm. Keep a gift list and if anyone asks give them the details. Sorry including bank account details and cheue payment details are rude and presumptuous. If people want to know they can contact the bride and groom. Of course not sending thank you cards or saying thank you is incredibly rude.

I am enraged by invites that have the John Lewis gift card in it without any comment along the lines of 'IF you wish to buy us something, here is our list, thank you'. Just the card! So rude!

I had one bride tell me that had made 2 wedding lists, one for Argos for people who were harder up and one for Debenhams for those who could afford a bit more. Seems we fitted into the latter category as we got the Debenhams one, despite the fact we were getting married a few weeks later and had had to travel some distance for their wedding and stay in a hotel for 2 or 3 nights.

Will also add we did a Debenhams gift list but had things from a pound or 2 (kitchen utensils, we were setting up home together) to more expensive things, which we knew that our work colleagues would get together to buy things. I don't think their was anything over £100 and we did not expect to recieve as much as we did. Dh did want to put a plasma tv on the list, but only as a joke but I wouldn't let him!

I recently went to a friend's third wedding, as I had attended and brought gifts to her previous two, I was buggered if she was getting another one. I made a donation to crisis (homeless charity) instead. It did cost me a couple of hundred in petrol, hotel and additional expenses to attend. Gift giving and weddings in general are getting out of hand.

It's the presumptuousness (yes, I've probably spelt this wrong) that winds me up.
The bride and groom are inviting people to an occasion therefore these people are GUESTS.
You don't blooming well tell guests to bring things (yes, it IS nice if they do) but you don't assume that they will and make lists.

If a guest asks, 'I would like to buy you a gift. What would you like?' It is fine to answer. Including a bloody John Lewis card in the same envelope as the invite stinks. Grrr.

It is occasions like these that I wish I were a multi-millionaire. I would then type in the account number and buy every bloody thing I could think of and post it to them.
That'll teach 'em. The grabbers.

YANBU.

Unless you are genuinely a young couple with no money and who have never lived together, I think wedding lists are money-grabbing and extremely tacky, and I usually buy the cheapest thing on it (one salad server, anybody? ).

Debretts says:

Traditionally, wedding guests contacted the bride's mother to find out where the gift list is held.

Nowadays most couples include details of the wedding list in the information pack that is sent with the invitations

With regard to cash gifts it says:

In recent years, it has become more popular for couples to ask for money for wedding presents.

This often has a mixed reaction, usually because of generational differences and traditional expectations.

It is important that guests are giving money towards something specific, for example the honeymoon.

The couple should explain in their extra information sheet that is sent out with the wedding invitations why they are asking for money.

Money is a practical option for couples who have an established home and do not require the household items that were traditionally given as wedding presents.

Another option is to set up a gift voucher list for one store; guests will often prefer this to writing a cheque.

Full details of wedding etiquette here

www.debretts.com/weddings/engagements-and-invitations/gift-lists.aspx

Manet a book of debrettes would be a very fitting present for those couples who are rude and presumptuous. Time to go back to the old fashioned way.