To be shocked at the the rudeness of brides/grooms about gifts

[pigletmania]

Am I! I thought that I heard it all. This has probably been done to death but hey what the hell. Wedding gift lists were supposed to be about helping the bride/groom set up a new home together, nowadays more people live together beforehand and have most of what they need, it seems to be about greed and grabbiness. My dh friend got married and had a John Lewis list, on it was a £1,000 plasma tv, as well as wait for it, no ordinary toaster no, a £200 Dualit toaster, as well as a La Crusset pan set.

On here recdently a poster told of a couple that they knew, who put their bank details on the wedding invite, wtf!!! It becomes more like a transaction, and rather business like, than personal and special. Very grabby and rude imo. There and breath

We loved our wedding list and we loved everyone who bought us lovely, lovely things on it. We also still love our friends who didn't buy us anything.
We are less sure about the second cousin who gave us a statue of a little black boy in a servant's uniform
But it did start at £5 and I think that's important. By far and away the most expensive thing on it was a table for £300 which (to my deep and utter unsurprise) did not get bought.

Putting really expensive things on a list is a bit like dreaming. They won't get bought, but why not dream?

And one of my close friends asked for money as they wanted to buy art as they already had pots and plates and what-have-you. I thought it was sensible to ask for something you could actually use rather than get a load of things that you don't want and have no room for. I was happy to transfer money as wanted to give them something to show my pleasure at their wedding and I'd rather they got what they wanted, rather than what I thought they should have.
Why shouldn't they dream and/or ask for things they really want?

Dh and I had lived together and had the house set up but there were things I wanted but not ridiculously priced apart from these few things we were grateful for all we received and still using towels and dish towels 17 yrs later.

My brother's wife is Chinese and they requested cash as it's traditional in their culture. I was quite envious as it meant they didn't have to fuss about with stuffy English etiquette and the money covered the cost of the reception! Her dress was beautiful too, a lovely red traditional gown which is much more flattering than white.

The gift asking (demanding) puts a dampner on weddings, its supposed to be about the joining of a couple not a way to recoup the costs or have a nice honeymoon whilst others pay.

I dont mind a discreet list which you actually have to ask for but if the couple already live together then I usually ignore lists/requests and choose something myself.

Yes, nothing wrong with a list that the guest asks to see, rather than one that is imposed upon them.
That's reasonable.

I was hoping with the recession all this crap would die out.
We went over board with our wedding and spent too much but not as much as some and then got 20 crap towel sets as presents.
I wish we'd had a registry office job with a few pints at the crown and cushion and bought my own towels with the spare £18k.

Agree with Kitty...we had a list but it only had quite cheap stuff on it, nothing really over 20 quid (we were students, got married just after graduation, 20 quid seemed like LOADS to us) and my mum made us go back and add more stuff because the uncles and aunts etc were complaining.

We only had the list in the first place because people expect it - and it IS easier for aged relatives who don't really know you that well but want to get you something.

You don't have to get them anything from the list, surely? And if they've put some stupid expensive TV on it..who knows...maybe it's some kind of joke or something??

YANBU unreasonable.

Friend got married and she would give weekly updates in the month running up to the wedding of just how much stuff she had been bought off her list, she was monitoring it all, couldn't even wait for the wedding day. I did just think 'you grabby madam'.

People who have wedding lists at department stores are imo t*ats!. When I got married it was a very small affair(only 25 guests). Our families helped us pay for dress,meal etc but we paid for our honeymoon(2 nights in hotel) photographer etc ourselves. Didnt expect ANY gifts and was extremely grateful for anything we did get(so what if you get 3 toasters?).NEVER buy off wedding lists as a principal now.
How dare people expect you to furnish their home/pay for honeymoon.Bloody rude! Too many nowadays are only concerned with how BIG the wedding is and how much is spent on it(also v chavvy imo!).

i don't care what debretts says - it is rude to mention gifts at all.

having said that i am irish and always give cash anyway.

i also think it is equally rude to attend a wedding without giving a gift - which doesn't necessarily have to be expensive/cash/off a list.

This genuinely doesn't bother me at all. I wouldn't go to a wedding without giving a present, and so a wedding list seems like a good idea to me. Simpler for me to have it arrive in the invitation that have to contact the bride's parents (!) to find out what they would like. It's an extra layer of faff, and I have no objection, indeed prefer, to miss it out.

YANBU. I think gift lists are grabby, they hark back to a time of very young newlyweds coming straight from their parents' houses and having nothing to start a home with. Most of the weddings I've been to have been nothing like that.

We had a similar reaction to Kitty81 - many people got really arsey with us because we did not want any gifts. Someone even told me I was selfish! We were both well into our 30s, earning very good salaries and had just amalgamated 2 households and had got rid of lots of stuff. But even if that wasn't the case, I would not have wanted a gift list, it's just not me. In the end, we asked for people to donate to a nominated charity if they felt the need to "mark the day", whilst making it very clear in the invitation this was not expected. Lots of people did donate, but, funnily enough, the people that had gone on and one about us having a gift list did not. We still got some "interesting" gifts from some of the oldies.

One of DH's friends is quite high up (and well paid) in a well known international aid organisation. Her former roles include getting people to leave gifts to charity in their wills and to donate to charity rather than have wedding lists. I was a bit when she and her OH (also v well paid) had a full on gift list of fairly pointless items and, yes, a plasma TV.

Pigletmania: YANBU.but this will cheer you up

DH & I got married at 20, both straight from Parents homes and we had nothing to start with. My "wish list" was mainly the Argos catalogue contents :)

We had children bringing theire own gifts of wooden spoons, salt & pepper etc. We had some great stuff that we still own 24 years later - including a Ewbank box sweeper! My original ironing board lasted 20 years. Our list was handwritten and my Mum kept it for anyone who asked, and we were spoilt rotten :)

at gorionine yes it's all my fault they don't cook. Which is why they eat out every night. In central London where they live. I'm kicking myself for not buying them saucepans. If I could have afforded it would have got the Tefal set from where I work and got 20% off

Best wedding I went to was where the bride and groom asked for either B&Q vouchers or manual labour as they wanted to do up their garden so their DC could actually play in it. They had lived together for years so didn't need anything for their home otherwise and it didn't even occur to them to ask people to pay for their honeymoon.

I just find it appallingly rude and downright odd.

"Please join us as we celebrate our love and commitment to eachother. Please find enclosed a list of presents we want you to bring us".

I am always amused when I see that the people who have the "cheapest" wedding almost always have the most extravagant taste on the wedding lists.