To feel saddened by this -what are we coming to

[nikos]

A couple we know wanted cash only for wedding presents, stated it in the wedding invite. Found that was not to my taste but did it anyway. Have now found out that they have said to the grandmother of their kids to just put money in the kids bank account for Christmas and buy 'a little gift' if they want. Is this a generational thing as this couple are in their mid twenties? I just find it all so grasping and sad and unmagical. Anyone else had this?

Wanting money is fine and understandable.

Giving money if fine.

Saying you'd like money or vouchers if asked is fine.

Telling people unsolicited that you want money and vouchers is rude. The unspoken message being 'we want you money but not your crude attepmts at trying to choose something for me'. As many responses on this thread explicitly illustrate.

I think if you really don't want more stuff of any kind, a polite request to not buy or give much is fine.

Stewie I what of those of us who genuinely try very hard to choose something the person will like and get lots of pleasure from doing so and anticipating the response and hope you will have got it right, are we included your 'no time for those people' category?

Gifts are not just about receiving, or just about the receiver.The thought and joy of the giver is as much a part of it.

A gift is a 'sign' of something; of considering you or the occasion important enough for a gift, of thought-of what you will hopefully like, and hopefully ideally, of the receivers appreciations of that.

When did gifts become about just a way of getting stuff you want??

Much nasty grasping on this thread and dismassal of others feelings.

I usually give money as a gift because I'm lazy. I also live in a place with literally no shops beyond a couple of wee supermarkets and pubs.

But what Smiley said I agree with. It's basically saying, 'You'll be giving me a gift, and if it's not cash I don't want it.'

Smiley people,

Absolutely!

And, as for wedding lists, unfortunately people expect them. However, if you have a good range of gifts in the lower price category as we did (plenty at £10), it allows people to make a genuine choice based on budget and preference. We also enclosed a note saying we would be very happy with anything else if someone preferred to choose their own gift.

I was asked to give cash at a wedding of a colleague once - but wasn't invited to the actual wedding, or the reception - just the party at the end of the day when everyone who had been there all day was staggering about drunk. It cost quite a bit to get there and to stay overnight, so I didn't give cash or anything else.

I wouldn't have even bothered going to the party, anonymous.

I think that whole 'evening do' with Blist of guests is rude, tbh.

I don't get why an evening do only invitation is rude though

I love getting an evening do invitation - it's a chance to dress up and dance and celebrate and no boring speeches

At no point in the OP does it specify whether the request for cash for the grandkids was unsolicited. We've all assumed it was - not necessarily correctly. My DM and MIL always ask what DS wants. It's a polite query to make sure they are not duplicating or lumbering us with unwanted items.

Agree with a lot of what SGB says.

Think it's a complicated mishmash of different cultural, societal and generational etiquette. What's depressing is the most honest and simplest answer to the gift-giving query (money) is considered the most bad taste. What babybarrister says about our weird English hangups!

I also think a lot of us (me included) have been brainwashed by advertising and consumerisation of Christmas to believe that 25th December should be one long day of sitting under the tree unwrapping with our faces lit up at every useless gorgeous trinket.

There is a huge marketing investment in getting us to buy consumer goods, many of which will languish in dusty cupboards or gift vouchers (many of which will never be spent in full - giving the retailer a nice bonus) to keep the Christmas 'magic'.

FWIW apart from the very deprived, many children in this country will have a considerable sack of goodies to open regardless of whether their parents ask for money for their CTF or financial contributions towards a genuinely wanted expensive item that they otherwise couldn't afford. And to be honest, wouldn't it save a lot of wasted wrapping paper, landfill, energy and the earth's resources to give money towards wanted items or long term goals e.g. university / flat deposit?

If you like to buy lovely things and gifts - carry on buying them but don't expect everyone else to obey your rules of good taste. If someone solicits an opinion on what they should get for a gift, why shouldn't it be answered honestly? There is still no obligation to get it

My DS has just had a birthday and he got a mixture of money in his CTF, cash (which we spent on clothes for him as we are hard up at the moment) and various clothes, books & toys. We took him to the toy department* and got him to choose his present from us - so it would be something treasured and wanted.

YABVU.

*Not a symptom of our spoilt grasping generation either - my mum in the 1950s used to get taken to Hamleys every Christmas to choose her present!

The problem really is that we have so much that we don't want or need more, then resort to money and vouchers. (Sorry, I don't really see how putting money in a CTF is not consumerisation - or whatever the word is...so when they're 18 they can blow it on booze or at best a car).

We tend to give small presents and ask for small presents - not that ridiculous mountain of gifts under the tree. I will ask what my ds1 wants, and get a few suggestions. He knows he can't have all of it, but I think surprises are lovely and always had a small surprise for Christmas and birthday. Likewise days out/ cinema tickets/ clothes etc. Money is just not on IMO.

"At best a car"

Or university fees or interview clothes or house deposit or gap year travel. (I realise they might blow it on a shed load of cocaine or the 3.30 at Haydock Park - that is their choice though and not one that I think most would make. When my friends and I got our grants at 18 we still spent it on rent, food, bills, books, clothes - and the pub of course but not in one fell swoop. I don't know why people have such a low estimation of what their DCs will be like at the same age.)

We do have so much we want or need but the great irony in that for the current and next generation the basics - university education, decent permanent housing - are totally unaffordable. So why not make a small investment in the future? It is only £10 or £20 but it does add up.

I've just read the OP again - properly this time.

Have now found out that they have said to the grandmother of their kids to just put money in the kids bank account for Christmas and buy 'a little gift' if they want.

So you are not being asked to give the children money and it is between them and the grandparent?

I think this particular matter is none of your business regardless of whether they asked for money at their wedding or not

Well, maybe my cousin, in her second year of Uni is an exception. But she has a good income from a a generous source - and guess what she spends it on? Clothes, booze, going out. Students these days are not what they were! (Or maybe it's just the ones I know). Have you seen the festivals these days? All designer gear, it is! Yes, I went to Uni and left with no debt whatsoever, but that's impossible these days so I think they just think: I'm going to have a debt, what's a few grand here or there. But anyway, we are getting diverted...

I think smileypeople expressed it perfectly, so I'll repost:

Gifts are not just about receiving, or just about the receiver.The thought and joy of the giver is as much a part of it.

A gift is a 'sign' of something; of considering you or the occasion important enough for a gift, of thought-of what you will hopefully like, and hopefully ideally, of the receivers appreciations of that.

When did gifts become about just a way of getting stuff you want??

The request was unsolicited - they said they wanted money for their kids. And am involved because the grandmother is upset by this.
Has any also noticed that people who ask for money rarely send thank you notes.

Still don't get why you're involved. Surely the grandmother could say something seeing as one of the parents must be her child

I haven't noticed that thank you notes are less frequently sent for cash gifts. I always get lovely notes from my nieces saying what they've spent the money on.

When did gifts become about just a way of getting stuff you want??

Spot on.

It's such an unappreciative way to see things.

I have been given things unexectedly, and these have turned out to be the most significant gifts IME.

Recently, someone gave me a book. Instead of thinking, 'I don't want this,' I thought, 'I'll read this.'

And it turned out to be one of those permanent additions to the library that causes a real shake up in life.

Imagine if I'd just said, 'I'll take the money instead.'

Would have been my loss.

But if your kids don't need a big present for Christmas because they already have loads of toys, why not say:

"Oh just get them a very small present."

and thus let the gift-giver have a bit more cash in their OWN account, rather than laying down cash in a bank account that may well be binge-drunk away and pissed up the wall in fifteen years' time.

When my kids were under 5, unless there was a major thing like a bike, they would just get little bits and pieces from us, often second-hand, even from the jumble sale! I am a bit of a green meanie. My dd (10) who devours books still got some charity shop books in her stocking last year.

Yes I think little children just love opening presents and the longer the stocking goes on the better they like it. Grandparents in my family have a knack of wasting money on totally inappropriate things, (e.g. clothes which are too small or dd would never wear, books too young for her, ANOTHER remote control car...) I would much rather they gave us or the kids money to either save for something big and special or for us to put towards something bigger.

expatinscotland if you get married in a register office you can only have a small number of people there and some only invite a handful of close family to the ceremony. I don't think it's rude to have a party for 100 people later in the day!
For a very close friend I would probably spend or give a bit more than I would for a less close friend. In fact a very close friend is getting married (again) in May, will be asking for money, and will be having an intimate family ceremony and lunch followed by a big party. All perfectly acceptable and understandable!

I think evening do's are rude. So what?

i also think evening dos are rude

re presents please just take what you are given and react appreciatively

Evening do's are usually of the variety that the couple marry in church, invite Tier A friends to a meal and do, and Tier B people do evening do only. But often enough, send out cash requests to the Tier B people.

So basically, it's a fee-paying event for the Tier B people and a fund-raiser for the couple.

I find that crass.

I only had an evening do and have no Tier B friends.

Nobody came to the ceremony :)

Fair enough, Jinny. It's when it's of the variety of Tier A and Tier B that I think it's tacky.

It's a very English thing, too, I'd never heard of such a machination, or of a wedding 'breakfast' that's actually a lunch, till I came here.

Trying to think back to our wedding list etc...so long ago. Didn't ask for money but did stipulate no ornaments! Still got a couple though! Haven't been aware of any 'tiered' weddings - I must be in tier C!