Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel saddened by this -what are we coming to

107 replies

nikos · 14/11/2010 21:11

A couple we know wanted cash only for wedding presents, stated it in the wedding invite. Found that was not to my taste but did it anyway. Have now found out that they have said to the grandmother of their kids to just put money in the kids bank account for Christmas and buy 'a little gift' if they want. Is this a generational thing as this couple are in their mid twenties? I just find it all so grasping and sad and unmagical. Anyone else had this?

OP posts:
saffy85 · 15/11/2010 07:42

Being in my mid 20's I'm a bit Hmm at OP assuming it's a generational thing and that people my age are grasping and greedy.

People in the family have asked what to get DD for christmas. As we will have a new baby in the summer and are moving right after that I have said no plastic tat of any kind and asked they get her bedding, amongst other things as it saves me the bother of buying it. Maybe I am grasping after all.

Appletrees · 15/11/2010 07:43

On a different note Er slightly. I give cash for children I don't know at school, you know the party thing. It's secondary school. I give a tenner and think it's ok. This talk of twenty pounds is interesting. Do we look mean? We're a bit saint so I am not going to change but I would be interested to know what people think.

Appletrees · 15/11/2010 07:44

Saint is skint

Gissabreak · 15/11/2010 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

5DollarShake · 15/11/2010 07:46

See, there should be no-one worrying that they look mean...! This isn't what gift giving was ever or should ever be about - it's just horrible that people are made to look mean, and is what cash-giving boils down to. :(

GiddyPickle · 15/11/2010 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bamboobutton · 15/11/2010 07:48

YABU

when people have asked what get dc for chrismas we have asked for books or money into their trust fund.

the house is full to bursting with broken plastic tat that was played with for 5mins.

we are moving house in 2 weeks and will be having a toy cull.
we don't want all that tat replaced a few weeks later, especially as the new house is smaller

GiddyPickle · 15/11/2010 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 15/11/2010 08:01

nikos I tihnk yabu. It is only their grandmother who they have asked to do this, and why not? Money in a bank account is far better than more pointless toys. Kids don't need materialistic presents for birthdays. They need love.

Gissabreak · 15/11/2010 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anotherbrickinthewall · 15/11/2010 08:11

personally I am uncomfortable with requests for money as gifts, as it does seem to put pressure on the giver. but I think you are projecting a little nikos - how do we know that the grandparents in your case wouldn't rather pass over a cheque than traipse round ToysRUs?

Gooftroop · 15/11/2010 08:20

If the grandparents offer to give money instead of present, then it's fine. If the child's parents ask for money instead of present then it's not fine.

mamatomany · 15/11/2010 08:34

One Greek couple I know ended up with over £5k in cash at their wedding.
I know what you are saying about the duplicate gifts and people having already set up home and not needing towels etc but if that is the case and you truly need nothing at all why do you need a wedding gift at all ?

StealthPomBear · 15/11/2010 08:43

"And so I had to write a cheque for my last £30. It was terrible - I felt I was insulting them by giving so little. I considered not going to the wedding at all but had bought my ticket. I cringe when I think about it and they haven't been in touch since (3 years ago)"

Well if that's the reason you are well rid! FWIW in my group of friends we spend about that on wedding presents for each other (but we tend to get a bigger joint present).

Despite being on the "money" side of these threads, this thread has made me realise that the DCs relatives deserve to see them open a present they have chosen for them. If they give money the parents get that pleasure without spending any money themselves! However if the GPs would just keep it to Christmas & birthdays that would be something!

Ephiny · 15/11/2010 08:58

I agree that cash is sometimes the most useful and practical gift (for either weddings or birthdays!) BUT as others have said it's asking for it that's the problem. It seems very rude to me to demand a gift, for yourself or your children, or even make it clear that you're expecting one. And somehow especially crass when it's cash you're demanding.

I think it's OK to say what you want if someone asks explicitly what they should get for you/your dc, though I'd always make it clear that of course they're not obliged to get anything.

snowflake69 · 15/11/2010 09:09

I was given odd bits of money as a child and had it in my little bankbook thing. When I was 13 I got it to myself and it had £550 in there from money people had gave over the years. Its spurred me on and when I was 13 I got a job doing a paper round and then waitressing. By the time I was 18 I had a £6k deposit and bought my own flat (this was in 2003)

If it wasnt for my nanny, mum and dad and other relatives giving me birthday money and starting me off. I doubt I would be in this position now. I probably never would of learnt about money and wouldnt have my own place now as I would of left it too late and would have had to buy now and not made as much money as I have. I will never forget my nana and mum giving me that money over the years and I have already got my daughter a bank book and am wanting to do the same for her.

larrygrylls · 15/11/2010 09:19

Nikos,

Totally agree with you. It is just not done in our culture to ask friends for cash (and, personally, I include vouchers here). It is completely materialistic and grasping. And, as for sending back a photo montage of the happy couple on their luxurious honeymoon, words fail me about how egotistical some people are.

Different cultures are different cultures and family (parents, grandparents) are completely different relationships. I don't think one can justify asking for cash by saying how useful it is to you. I mean, I am sure it is, it is money FFS! Present giving is about choosing as much as spending and showing one's friendship by choosing something appropriate to the people one knows.

emptyshell · 15/11/2010 09:30

Normally I tend to regard about 10years old as the age where I shift to giving cash gifts to kids as opposed to a present present. That's just my general policy though, which I'm breaking this year and praying it's not going to cause offence. Cousin had a baby this year - I can't avoid acknowledging it (which given my own circumstances I'd rather do), but I'd be shredded to ribbons going shopping for baby stuff at the moment so she's getting a tenner in a card for the baby, and if she's got a problem with that she can piss off to be honest.

I don't ever like the requests for cash gifts though. Never have, never will.

cairnterrier · 15/11/2010 09:34

Just as another thought, DS will be one the week before Christmas so potentially 2 lots of presents within a week and he's still at the stage where wrapping paper is the most interesting thing. So rather than people spend money on toys that he just won't notice and will potentially grow out of at the same time, we've suggested that people could get us vouchers so that we can get outdoor toys for the summer when that comes around. Also money to save for the future would be great - or as we used to get when we were little, money to buy Premium Bonds, I still get the odd £50 from my bonds that are over 30 years old now!

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 15/11/2010 11:08

I don't get why whiners complain so much about people expecting gifts at weddings/birthdays, when unless you are a cave-dwelling primitive you must be aware that it is traditional to give gifts on these occasions. So it's hardly unreaasonable of people to be aware that others are going to ask them what they want for a gift. ANd, IMO, if you say in a wedding invite that you don't want anything, that you have all the furniture and crockery you need, thanks, you still get people going, well I have to give you something, honestly, what would you like? And if you do have everything it's not that unreasonable to say, we don't want or expect gifts but if you want to follow tradition and get us something, vouchers/nice bottle of wine would be appreciated.

LightlyKilledCrunchyFrog · 15/11/2010 11:35

I have asked people to limit what they buy the kids, and if they really want to splash out, to pay for stuff like ballet, gymnastics etc. DS2 is 2 on New Year's Day, and I have asked for no presents at all - if people are desperate to buy something, I asked them to get vouchers which we will use to get him a playhouse or similar in the summer.

I hope it's not grasping. They have too much, and most of it has been presents from well-meaning people that love them, so everything is of course appreciated - but they need nothing.

mrskbpw · 15/11/2010 11:38

I think vouchers are fine; like Cairnterrier we've asked for mostly vouchers for my little boy's first birthday which is straight after Christmas.

My brother and sister in law asked for money to pay for their honeymoon for their wedding 3 years ago. They never went on honeymoon so I don't know what they did with the cash. They earn more than us, and every now and then I think about that £100 we gave them and wonder if it would be rude to ask for it back...Wink

Selfishly, I don't like giving money - it's so boring. I really love buying people presents. I love thinking about what to get them, browsing the internet, looking in shops, thinking about what they like and what their interests are. So giving money denies me a big pleasure.

My husband's family like to give us very definite lists; this is what I want and this is where you buy it. I HATE that as well. Where's the fun in that?!

larrygrylls · 15/11/2010 11:39

Lightly,

Is a parents job not to just discreetly put things away for "later" or for charity if they are unwanted or too much? No one is realistically going to get nothing and I imagine, if they really did, you would find it a bit odd. So, you have really asked for vouchers, which will not really be seen by anyone as gifts and will just save you a bit of money when you buy something that you were going to buy anyway. Why not let people have the pleasure of giving their pieces of noisy plastic at a budget of their choice and your children the pleasure of opening them?

I am sorry but I do see that as grasping.

Laquitar · 15/11/2010 12:20

It doesn't have to be cash or plastic toys.
There are many things between i.e. books, art/craft sets, pj, new duvet covers,dvds, cinema trips...

My parents bought the school uniform, dcs were delightful. We got photos of them wearing it and posing next to grandparents. They will have this photo when they are older and my parents not here any more. I think will be better than £20 in their account.
My Godmother took me to my first theatre trip. I still remember it and whenever i go to theatre i remember her.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/11/2010 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.