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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this child should have had a telling off not a cuddle...

105 replies

Peculiarjulia · 14/11/2010 13:53

Took my DC to their swimming lesson this morning & one of the kids (aged about 4) got her arm stuck in the drain thingy that levels the water out. I was sitting further along the pool so didn't see what happened but I heard the teacher tell her mum that it was up to her elbow & that he & the lifeguard had to help her pull it out even though it wasn't fixed in there. The kid was not unsuprisingly balling her eyes & clearly it had really scared her but I was a bit miffed by the mum's reaction. She got her out of the pool & cuddled her telling her "everything was going to be ok now." Now if the was either of my two I would have comforted them obviously but also given them a telling off about how dangerous it was & how they should pay attention in the pool & not muck about whilst the teacher is with someone else. I realise she may have done this later but as it was an immediate danger it should have been made clear to her immediately. My DH & mum say this is really harsh so what do you think?

OP posts:
cumfy · 14/11/2010 18:35

How do you know she wasn't sucked into that position ?

Does your DH chastise you when you are trapped ?

harpsichordcarrier · 14/11/2010 18:39

seriously, your 4 year old child is 'bawling her eyes out' and you would tell her off, straight away?
seriously?
there is no 'immediate danger' as you suggest, because the chances of the child doing it again immediately are precisely ZERO. So yes the sensible and humane thing to do would be to wait until later when the child is less distressed and can actually listen to you.
telling off a very distressed child is a total waste of breath
but I don't really understand why you were miffed?
what's it to you?

WriterofDreams · 14/11/2010 18:40

I agree with bumbling that this is a situation where the lesson definitely does not need to be hammered home. I would cuddle the poor little thing then later just say, you saw what happened today so now you know not to stick your hand in a hole unless it's safe. End of. Going on and on about these things is pointless, natural consequences teach a lot more and it just stresses a child out if you go on about it.

mumeeee · 14/11/2010 18:43

YABVU and harsh. She was only 4 and got her arm stuck, Yes it was dangerous to be playing with the drain, But she was probably very scared and her Mum was quite right to give her a cuddle.

CrazyPlateLady · 14/11/2010 18:47

YABU. If my child was crying because they had got stuck, regardless of them messing around, I would cuddle them.

Hmm that you think they should be told off for it.

I would later explain why they shouldn't stick their arms into holes but I wouldn't tell them off!

LynetteScavo · 14/11/2010 18:47

YABU.

She's not likely to put her arm there again, is she!

CrazyPlateLady · 14/11/2010 18:48

And I got run over by a car when I was 9 as I ran out thinking I had time to get across the road when I didn't. Should I have been told off for that? No different to what happened here!

mumeeee · 14/11/2010 18:52

Brazen, She was 4 and she was distressed. It does not mean that her Mother was molycoddling her because she gave her a cuddle to calm her down and reasure her.

PuppyMonkey · 14/11/2010 18:56

Yeah, tell her off the immature little so and so, she should know better at that age.

Not.

BubbaAndBump · 14/11/2010 19:09

peculiar your name says it all!

Of course you don't have to bend to the massive, overwhelming majority opinion of MN, and you can, of course, "just keep schtum shrug my shoulders & think each to their own??!!" - except know Yes Indeed, You Are Being Unreasonable. Very. Incredibly So.

piscesmoon · 14/11/2010 19:11

She was 4 yrs old-a mere baby!!

DinahRod · 14/11/2010 19:23

PerculiarJulia's taken the point!

On another recent MN thread, a 3yr old child escaped through a hole in the school fence, the school had blamed the child and MN were Hmm

Little children are curious, they find out, sometimes the hard way, by doing. Yes, cuddle them and send them on their way onto the next (mis)adventure.

CrazyPlateLady · 14/11/2010 19:33

A child escaping from a hole in the school fence is not the same as a child becoming trapped. The school is negligent, the pool shouldn't have had a cover missing, but in either case, the child shouldn't be told off.

If the child that escaped through the hole was found hurt, should they be told off for going through the hole? The child at the pool had their arm trapped FGS!

BubbaAndBump · 14/11/2010 20:01

I don't think her last post sounds as if she has taken the point at all DinahRod - if anything she still thinks her thoughts are absolutely reasonable, if different from others'.

Original poster
Peculiarjulia · 14/11/2010 20:31

No BubbaAndBump, I don't think my thoughts are "absolutely reasonable" hence me asking AIBU in the first place! As i said, both my DH (btw cumfy he has never chastised me for being trapped - i'm not sure how you got to that?) & my mum said they thought I was being harsh so i had an inkling i may be. Saying that I've been shown a more sensitive way to deal with the situation sounds a bit trite after all this!

OP posts:
BubbaAndBump · 14/11/2010 20:35

I apologise then peculiar - your previous post sounded like you still feel as your OP suggests. Very glad you've changed your mind.

MollieO · 14/11/2010 20:40

If ds had done this I would have cuddled him and calmed him down. I would have spoken to the manager about the missing drain guard. I would have later spoken to ds about how and why it happened and pointed out the danger of what he did. No point trying to reason with an upset child.

Fibilou · 14/11/2010 21:19

"but as it was an immediate danger it should have been made clear to her immediately"

To an adult, yes. To a 4 year old ? It's not as if they're experienced in public swimming pool drainage is it ?

Anyway, read you post at the end of P1 so won't berate you !

Pancakeflipper · 14/11/2010 21:31

I bet if it happened to your kid, you'd be so relieved and thankful little harm had occured - you be hugging them until they told you to stop it cos' you're hurting their ribs.

cory · 14/11/2010 21:38

When my colleague was knocked off her bike recently, she admitted that the accident could have been avoided had she been more careful. However, I am afraid we have all expressed sympathy and wished her a speedy recovery. What do you reckon OP- should we refuse to speak to her until her wounds have healed? Or is this approach only suitable for 4yos?

DinahRod · 14/11/2010 22:38

CPL, you've misinterpreted my post or maybe I wasn't clear enough and I do think the comparison is entirely relevent. In both examples the child had been told not to do something (table put in front of hole in school fence/ child told not to put arm near pool drain), blame was apportioned to the child (by the school/the OP) but in each case the duty of care was for the school/pool because 3/4yr olds are naturally inquisitive and if you tell them not to do something, they want to investigate why, you can't rely on sense they don't yet have.

SkyBluePearl · 14/11/2010 23:16

Comfort then calm explaination of why its dangerous. I think the child was so distraut that a telling off was not really needed.

cumfy · 15/11/2010 09:55

cumfy he [DH] has never chastised me for being trapped - i'm not sure how you got to that?

No, what relevance could that possibly have ? :o

FindingMyMojo · 15/11/2010 10:00

YABU - I agree with Unwind too. She was 'about 4' & upset after a traumatic experience! Main thing is she isn't put off swimming for life.

SparkleSoiree · 15/11/2010 10:03

YABU. A four year old child depends on adults to keep them safe. If adults failed to do that to the extent the child got their arm stuck in a drain in a swimming pool then the onus is on the adults to sort themselves out and create a safer environment for the child, not for the adults to tell the child off for sticking their arm in there in the first place.