for not wanting my kids to call mums new husband-to-be grandad?

[CherryPie3]

Please help cos I really really don't want them to at all!!!! Yet my mum expects them to and keeps calling her new partner their new grandad :(:(:(:(:(

My dad passed away in March 2008 and to me he willalways be grandad to my 3 kids. My mum has recently met a chap on the internet who she has met 3 times, she's known him for 3 months at the most.

My kids are 4yo, 5yo and 4 months. Obviously my youngest has never met my dad but I don't want him to grow up thinking this new guy is his grandad. I want him to know my dad and who he is and what he meant to everyone.

I miss my dad so much :( I don't want my kids to ever forget him but I'm scared that because they're still quite little they may easily forget, especially with a 'new grandad' on the scene.

My dh also feels very strongly about it, my mum doesn't seem to (or want to) understand, she just says that it's hard for me to accept my dad is gone and that the kids need someone else to call grandad.

I'm sorry if I'm waffling about something trivial but it doesn't feel very trivial to me, to me it feels like she's trying to 'replace' my dad.

My mum gets very angry about the whole thing and says she can't see what the problem is but I've tried to spell it out for her, she has now fallen out with me, I don't think this will last long but still, I hate falling out with my mum.

Sorry for going on one :)

Can anyone help please? AIBU??

Cherry, this bloke has been in your mum's life for 5m and she's saying to call him granddad?

Bloody hell! I must have been out of it, how did that get past me?

You are your DC parent, you are responsible for them. You call this bloke what you want to. You tell your DC what they can call him. That is it. Your mum has no right to tell you what your DC call some random bloke she has picked up on the internet.

TBH, the new partner (and bless him, 3 meet ups hardly entitle anyone to describe the person as a partner ) should not even BE in your DC lives until your mum is sure of him. For all of the same reasons as we would tell a woman here about introducing her own DC to a new man.

She needs to be with him for a good long time before he gets introduced to your DC. He could be literally ANYONE. He has not earned the right to be called anything, he barely knows your mum and your mum barely knows him.

This coming from someone who never met either of her granddads before they died.

Dig your heels in here girl. You want to call this bloke by his name, you go right ahead and do that. If your mum tries to correct your DC to call anyone Granddad, tell her that it is not going to happen, and for her to accept that no-one will take the place of your dad.

Low blow I know, but she can't come back with anything on this point.

My dc's have 4 step grandparents in their life. The 2 long term partners are called grandma The short term partners-one is call by his name(he refused to be called anything else, as he felt really uncomfortable with it)
the other is called grandad and we feel really uncomfortable with it. It was forced on us by mil (as others have said, for validation of the relationship).

In my experience i would choose what name you want. He may not even want to be called anything. He could be "upgraded" further down the line. Sounds like your mum is all loved up and not thinking about the ramifications of it.

YANBU, your mother is being very unreasonable!

My cousins lost their mother, then their father remarried a few years later. She is only known by her first name to his grandchildren.

My heart goes out to you, I was devastated when I lost my father in 2005 followed by my mother 4 weeks later - both from the big "C". I would be devastated if I was put in your position (I suppose it was decided for me that I wouldn't be!)

YANBU

Your mother is being very unreasonable.

She barely knows him and in your situation I would be worried about her too.

However, your kids, your call. They can call him Keith, it's his name.

She can choose whether they call him Keith and see him or whether they just don't see him...but a man she's known for all of 5 minutes doesn't get any kind of Grandparent status and certainly does not get to be called what your Dad was called.

Of course you aren't over your Dad dying - you never will be. You are learning to live without him and that's hard enough - but he will always be Dad to you and Grandad to your kids. Anyone that doesn't understand that, can just fuck off tbh.

My Mum married (for the fourth time) in June. She and the chap had been together 6 months, I met him once before the wedding. At the time she seemed happy that my dc's (they're 3 and 20 months) could call him by his first name, but when they visited us a couple of months ago, she kept correcting my oldest dc and saying "no, no, it's GRANDAD John". I was a bit but couldn't say anything - I didn't want to make an issue of it in front of the children and my Mum is one to take offence v easily. But I'm not happy about it, I don't really know him (tho he seems nice enough) and calling him Grandad makes him sound like close family - he might be now by marriage, but certainly not by relationship - he's a stranger to us. FWIW, my Dad is still alive, as is DHs Dad so they have two Grandads they know well.

I'm relieved so many people think the Op is not BU, it makes me feel it's ok for me to feel a bit miffed about it

Pollyblue - I'd ring her and tell her that your children will be calling him John and that you don't feel they know him well enough to bestow the title Grandad on him. End of.

Although I have to say, I'd be less miffed at 'another' Grandad if the original was still alive than when the Grandad has died. One is addding Grandads (I think I'd just let it go on the 'more the merrier' and xxx is your 'proper' Grandad), the other feels like an attempt to replace your Dad - which you just can't do :(

Polly, they are your children, not your mother's. You make the decision.

You are your own family's matriarch. Take up the role!

YANBU, when the children are much older if he is still around THEN let them decide.

Let him act like grampa before he gets the title.

I would tell her that you will wait until they make their own relationship with him and come up with their own name-until then he will be John (substitute name).

I agree with the thinking up a different name suggestion. My mum and dad are divorced but have both been remarried for many years. The step grandparents get called Nanny xxx and Grandad yyyy and my actual mum and dad are Nanny and grandad.

The kids are just happy to have extra grandparents to spoil them.

However, it sounds as if this new guy has not yet been around long enough to be called grandad.

What happens if you just keep referring to him by his name, and the kids follow your lead?

I have a lovely dstepmother who I call X (her name). I've knoiwn her since I was 17, and she's always been X. My kids call her X too - they're very accepting (of course they are - they've known no different) of there being a Grandpa and X, a Granny (my dm) and Nanny and Granddad )PIL) in their lives.

I agree with everyone else, no way should you're DC be calling him Grandad. My mum and dad are divorced, my kids only have one grandad and that's my dad. My mum has been with her DP for 14 years so way before my DC were born. They just call him by his name. So it's "nanny and R..." Could they just call him by his name? ATEOTD they're your children not your mum's. So
you get final say on what they call him.

Oh I think you should write your mother a nice letter explaining that you aren't just doing it to hurt her or because you aren't "over" your dad's death. But because you need to wait until you know this man before he is allowed in your children's lives.

Ask her how she would feel if you broke up with DH and then brought a new boyfriend in to the kid's lives 3 months after you met him and asked them to call the new guy dad.

Thank you everyone for being so kind, it's very reassuring to know that so many people agree with me as my mum would tell you I'm abnormal for this, she's said that to me herself.
She gas accepted that myself, dh, and the dc's will call him Keith - not willingly exactly bit still, she has accepted it. If the relationship lasts for tears to come then we will see if an 'upgrade' is possible although I think the whole situation will be accepted by then and considered normal (hopefully).

I love my mum dearly but I think sometimes she gets a bit lost. I wish she would wait before getting married - it's far too soon but she won't listen to any of us (I have a half brother and half sister). Shes thrown herself in feet first and she's happy. I just hope she stays happy.

Thanks again everyone, I definitely feel better about it all!
And I've learned how to post from my iPhone too!!!! next best thing to an app i guess :)

Spelling isn't exactly great is it??
Oh well, I think you'll get the jist of it :)

my mum is on her 3rd husband (through multiple divorces!) She insists DDs call him 'Uncle Terry' which I hate - creepy and weird sounding so they just call him Terry. I can't stand the man, which doens't help. But there is NO WAY they'd EVER call him grandad, and if my mum ever suggested it, there would be hell to pay. What annoys me even more is if people call him my 'step dad' NO HE IS MY MOTHER'S HUSBAND which is v v v v v v different......

YANBU

It's WAY too early in their relationship to even be having this discussion. Regardless of what she's saying, she barely knows him herself, let alone you guys.

My mother is exactly the same. She divorced my Dad and went online to meet new people. She moved her new guy in really quickly and married him. When I got married, she asked if he could sit on the top table and I very firmly told her no way. My Dad was going to be there and that's that and "step-dad" could sit with the rest of the family. Lo and behold, he walked out on her before my wedding even took place!

ILs are seperated and FIL has a GF who we have known since before DS was born (about 3yrs now). They have property together, are evidently very committed and GF dotes on my DS. I have no problem with her being known as "Granny X" because she's a fixture in our family now

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Point out to your mother that they may not remember your dad, but you sure as hell do and this is like editing him out of existence. While this new guy may be very important to her, and may well be around for ages, rewriting history is at best tactless and pretty misleading to your kids.

I never met my mother's father, as he died before I was born and my grandmother remarried. I remember Mum saying she wondered what on earth we were going to call him, but we worked it out for ourselves: she called them 'Ma' and 'Jack', so we called them 'Grandma' and 'Grandjack'. We were never confused as to what his relation to my mother was, but he played a big part in our lives anyway as the only grandad I ever had.

what on earth we were going to call him I mean her stepfather, who I knew as Grandjack.

YANBU, I'm glad you're mum has accepted that you and DCs will just call this man Keith. Maybe in time if the relationship lasts you could think of adding something to the name, but by then it will probably just seem normal
to your DCs to call him Keith.

My situation is a bit different in that my mum and dad divorced when I was 3, so I've always had 2 step-parents in my life. I call them by first name. When I had children I had to choose what they would call my step-parents, and it's ended up being Grandad first name and Grandma first name.

your mum, sorry.

Surely your mother's husband is your stepfather mickyjohn? That's the definition of what a stepfather is. It has nothing to do with the age at which the man marries your mother.
If my father now in his 70s marries again the woman will be my stepmother. That's just how it is. If they have kids (highly unlikely) they will be my stepsiblings. You can choose what you call people, (and I'd never call another woman mum) but you can't pretend the relationship (step-parent, uncle etc) doesn't exist.