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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting my kids to call mums new husband-to-be grandad?

73 replies

CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:28

Please help cos I really really don't want them to at all!!!! Yet my mum expects them to and keeps calling her new partner their new grandad :(:(:(:(:(

My dad passed away in March 2008 and to me he willalways be grandad to my 3 kids. My mum has recently met a chap on the internet who she has met 3 times, she's known him for 3 months at the most.

My kids are 4yo, 5yo and 4 months. Obviously my youngest has never met my dad but I don't want him to grow up thinking this new guy is his grandad. I want him to know my dad and who he is and what he meant to everyone.

I miss my dad so much :( I don't want my kids to ever forget him but I'm scared that because they're still quite little they may easily forget, especially with a 'new grandad' on the scene.

My dh also feels very strongly about it, my mum doesn't seem to (or want to) understand, she just says that it's hard for me to accept my dad is gone and that the kids need someone else to call grandad.

I'm sorry if I'm waffling about something trivial but it doesn't feel very trivial to me, to me it feels like she's trying to 'replace' my dad.

My mum gets very angry about the whole thing and says she can't see what the problem is but I've tried to spell it out for her, she has now fallen out with me, I don't think this will last long but still, I hate falling out with my mum.

Sorry for going on one :)

Can anyone help please? AIBU??

OP posts:
nickelpombear · 13/11/2010 16:30

you need to think up a different name for him.

maybe Gramps or Popa/Papa?
or Pops?

I agree that calling him Gandad would feel like you're trying to cover over your dad's absence.
:(

nickelpombear · 13/11/2010 16:30

Grandad - i can't type, you know...

YunoYurbubson · 13/11/2010 16:32

Does new chap want to be grandad?

Could your children call him "Grandad Dave" (or whatever his name is obv), leaving "Grandad" to always mean your dad?

rubyslippers · 13/11/2010 16:32

YANBU

Agree with using a another name like poppa or gramps.

Also, may HE doesn't want to be called grandad?

clam · 13/11/2010 16:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd feel the same. It's as if your dad is being airbrushed out of the picture and this new guy (3 months? FGS!) superimposed on top.

You've told her how you feel and she's cross. Her problem. She may persist in referring to him as Grandad, but you don't have to join in. Encourage them to call him something else instead.

Original poster
CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:33

Its funny that you typed Gandad Nickel as thats how my children pronounced grandad when he was alive. That made me smile :)

OP posts:
onimolap · 13/11/2010 16:34

YANBU

My mother was adamant that her father's second wife was not my grandmother (won't go into the background about the strength of that view). So she was "Auntie".

Could he become an honourary "Uncle"?

Original poster
CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:35

My kids aren't very tolerant of calling Keith grandad, atm it's just 'Nannans Friend' or just 'Keith'. I definitely need a new name for him (I do have a few inappropriate ones however Grin )

OP posts:
JingleTits · 13/11/2010 16:36

why cant she just accept you dont want them to call him grandad!!! Just tell her there not going to and thats that.

Considering she hasnt been with him long thats not right any way.

Tootlesmummy · 13/11/2010 16:36

I agree that calling him grandad would be off but if this person is going to be around for the next 20 years as your mums husband/partner and is willing to have an active role in your children's lives do you want to deprive them of that relationship?

or is it just the name you object to?

Your dad will still be their grandad, that doesn't change and you and your DH can make sure his memory stays alive.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 13/11/2010 16:37

I agree - a new name depending on their age - Pops, bampa, etc etc.

I think perhaps your mum needs support that she has made the right decision bringing him into your family and that you're happy for her...but you have to pick what's comfortable with you - and ask your kids what is a nice name for him - in a positive way

taintedpaint · 13/11/2010 16:37

YANBU. This man, while potentially nice and able to make your mum happy, will never be your DCs grandad. There's no need to use the word grandad to refer to him, nor use a replacement name if you don't want to. Calling him Pete or Fred or whatever his name is is perfectly acceptable, and is probably what I would teach my children to do in your situation.

Your mum will hopefully come around. It is not her place to decide what your DCs will call this man, and I would be upset if she wouldn't respect my wishes on the matter.

mumbar · 13/11/2010 16:38

Oh a different name is a lovely idea.

Even something affectionate like BOB??

YANBU not to want him to be grandad.

marriednotdead · 13/11/2010 16:39

YANBU, but your mum needs to put the past behind her to go into a new relationship, so of course she won't want to see your POV.

She is looking at it in black and white; she is a widow and therefore a free agent entitled to start over and if she is going to have a new man, why should she not let your DCs call him Grandad.

She's not considering the emotional impact on you personally, and to do so may make her feel uncomfortable with her decision to start dating again. It's clearly still too raw for you Sad

Perhaps you could grit your teeth and have a word with him yourself, explain that your DCs already had a grandad (so that name's taken) and ask him what he would like to be called?

Original poster
CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:40

I think it's just the name that I don't like, it's like a huige new step, or chapter.

I don't think I like change very much...

I've never seen my mum with anyone other than my dad, and I think it's that that I can't accept.

My dad is dead, I know that and I have accepted it. I hate it, but it is what it is. You have to deal with it.

TBH the guy seems lovely, but I don't 'know' him. I've met him once and to me that isn't enough for me to allow him into my childrens lives.

He doesn't even live with my mum, in fact, he lives 87miles away.

OP posts:
Tortington · 13/11/2010 16:41

in the book 'Room' the step grandad was called 'Steppa' (i think)

its nice with affection

MadameCastafiore · 13/11/2010 16:43

Sorry but I do think you are being unreasonable - life goes on - we develop new relationships - people die and are never forgotten but their place in the family is often filled by someone else - doesn't mean that there is less meaningfulness to their memory just means that they are no longer there on a daily basis.

You have lost your father but having lost my mother I think losing a husband who you have had a whole life and fmaily with must be a hell of a lot harder and this is maybe just as hard for your mum.

And your kids will not remember him - keep pictures around and talk about him, he is your dad, but they will not remember him as a person - just someone who was your dad.

Think in years to come of your kids calling this guy grandad if the relationship continues - think of the memories they will hopefully build with him, the place he will have in their lives, it could mean a great deal to them, be a fabulously rewarding relationship for them, all of which doesn;t mean your father has been airbrushed in the least.

Maybe the newness of the relationship is an issue and the calling him grandad could be an organic thing that develops if the relationship continues? But give your mum a break - she has lost someone she thought she would be with for the rest her life - this relationship after so many years is new and probably scarey and so she may be making mistakes.

Original poster
CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:44

Thank you everyone for being so lovely about this situation.

I knew I could count on 'the mn crew' :)

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 13/11/2010 16:47

My mum and her H tried this one with me and my sis, we got a card or something from him at the wedding and he signed it Pops. I early vomited.

When DS came along i think there was an attempt at granddad, but my dad is not dead.. Mum's H has GC of his own, so why would I encourage DS to call him anything other than his name?

So that was it, he gets called his name, by me and by my DS.

Pheebe · 13/11/2010 16:47

What about Grandad Keith? Your mum gets her wish and its very different from Grandad who will always be just Grandad. Works in our family.

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/11/2010 16:48

early? nearly!

Blush hungover

Original poster
CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:49

madame I take on board what you are saying, but my kids will not call Keith grandad. Yes, it may be unreasonable of me but I can't help it.

It feels like she's brushing my dad under the carpet and while that is probably not what she feels she's doing - I want her to consider the impact of what she is doing to us. I do not know this new man well enough to decide whether he is going to love my kids, treat them as him own grandkids, or anything. He is a stranger and until he becomes more of a 'person' in our lives, he will be considered as just that. A stranger.

It's too soon for my mum to be making decisions about his status in our family.

OP posts:
clam · 13/11/2010 16:49

Well, I think it's a bit off to whizz someone new into the kids' lives and stick the name Grandad on him. The OP has met him once for God's sake. Too soon.

Original poster
CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:50

LittleMissHissyFit :). Thats exactly what I want, just to call him by his name.

OP posts:
nickelpombear · 13/11/2010 16:53

yes, if they're not living together, i think it's a bit early to be calling him a family name.

She should allow you to call him Keith until he moves in with her, then you can talk again.

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