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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for not wanting my kids to call mums new husband-to-be grandad?

73 replies

CherryPie3 · 13/11/2010 16:28

Please help cos I really really don't want them to at all!!!! Yet my mum expects them to and keeps calling her new partner their new grandad :(:(:(:(:(

My dad passed away in March 2008 and to me he willalways be grandad to my 3 kids. My mum has recently met a chap on the internet who she has met 3 times, she's known him for 3 months at the most.

My kids are 4yo, 5yo and 4 months. Obviously my youngest has never met my dad but I don't want him to grow up thinking this new guy is his grandad. I want him to know my dad and who he is and what he meant to everyone.

I miss my dad so much :( I don't want my kids to ever forget him but I'm scared that because they're still quite little they may easily forget, especially with a 'new grandad' on the scene.

My dh also feels very strongly about it, my mum doesn't seem to (or want to) understand, she just says that it's hard for me to accept my dad is gone and that the kids need someone else to call grandad.

I'm sorry if I'm waffling about something trivial but it doesn't feel very trivial to me, to me it feels like she's trying to 'replace' my dad.

My mum gets very angry about the whole thing and says she can't see what the problem is but I've tried to spell it out for her, she has now fallen out with me, I don't think this will last long but still, I hate falling out with my mum.

Sorry for going on one :)

Can anyone help please? AIBU??

OP posts:

InkyStamp · 13/11/2010 16:53

YANBU at all. We had this issue as well. We settled on Pop. I still refer to him as 'my mothers husband'. He will never, ever, replace my Dad. When the DC's are old enough we will explain my convoluted family to them, but they have GrandDad, GrandPa (passed) and Pop.

InkyStamp · 13/11/2010 16:55

Sorry, forgot to add, we just referred to him as Pop and the kids picked it up (evil!!). Then we just said 'well, thats the name the kids chose and thats more meaningful, you cant get them to call him something else can you?' Smile sweetly.

But I agree if he is not even living with him, then WAY too early for a 'family' name.

MissBeehiving · 13/11/2010 17:03

YANBU. My mum died in 2008 and my dad has met a number of different women over the internet. Dad always wants to introduce them to the DCs and invite them to the family gatherings. There must be something wrong with us though as we're up to no.6 This was hard enough to deal with, but no one will ever take the place of my mum as "Grammy" to my DCs or my nieces and nephew, although we may need to think of something a bit better than "Dad's new woman" in the future if one lasts more than a few months.

Schroeder · 13/11/2010 17:04

My Mum wanted the dcs to call her husband Grandad I had to be very firm with her.

They call him by his first name now and it's not an issue any more. They love him too and get him to read them stories and sit on his knee and stuff-it doesn't mean they can't have a special relationship with him; he's just not their Grandad.

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 13/11/2010 17:09

Of course YANBU.

I'd think it was inappropriate for a single mum to introduce a new man (whom she had only met three times) to her children and expect them to call him Daddy. Not really sure how this is different

JuicyLips · 13/11/2010 17:14

My dc call my step-dad 'Grandad' and dh's step-dad 'Grandad', even though it seems fine for one, It doesnt sit well for me as I really dont like them calling my step-dad Grandad. As another poster wrote about their dad being alive mine is as well (and Dh's for that matter), and every time ds says it I think "But you're not!!" I haven't told my mum and step-dad this as I want to keep the peace and just put up with it. At the stage you are at OP, I would say YANBU at all. Just call him Keith. Dh's step-mum opted out of 'grandma' and just gets called her Christian name, which is fine with us.

cleanairplease · 13/11/2010 17:16

YANBU - just call him by his name and if, over time, he becomes more of a 'fixture' something might evolve. I would just say to your Mother 'No, I'm sorry but we just can't call him grandad' and no more.

cleanairplease · 13/11/2010 17:19

Oh and how scary for the new man to suddenly be 'Grandad"!

musicmadness · 13/11/2010 17:23

YANBU but I would be wary of telling your children to call him by his first name. Some adults find that really disrespectful and I've seen threads saying as much on here. He might not want your children calling him XXX. Maybe find another nickname for him? Or introduce him as Mr XXX or something. If this is going to be a long term thing you will need to talk to him about what the kids will call him if you want them to have a relationship and find something you both agree on.

clam · 13/11/2010 17:25

Sounds like your mum wants validation that her new man is OK and can become one of the family. After 3 months and one meeting?

lilyliz · 13/11/2010 17:27

never mind what to call the guy ,I'd be more worried about my mum wanting to marry someone she barely knows.

Mummynumber2 · 13/11/2010 17:29

I reall get how you must be feeling, and I think maybe it is a bit early for your dc's to be calling him grandad.

A slightly different situation I know but my dsc's call my parents ( their step grandparents) grandad ....(first name)... and nanny ......(first name)... It took time to evolve to that situation and happened when they asked to, when they realised their relationship was different to anyone else they'd call by their first names. I think having a slightly different name distinguishes them from their 'real' grandparents.

monkeyflippers · 13/11/2010 17:34

Woah! It's way too early in their relationship for her to be considering him a permanent enough fixture to be insisting that he be called grandad!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is she thinking? She is most likely still grieving (as you know it never really goes away) so your mum may be acting out of character. She must be so sad and lonely without her husband, she is desperately grabbing at any chance of happiness. Maybe she even feels like she needs to find a new grandad for your children.

I have been in the position of losing a parent not that long ago and I wouldn't let my kids call anyone else their name. It would just hurt too much.

I agree with everyone who said that if it gets to that stage where they need to call him something then chose a different name for him. Personally though it think it will be ages before you need to worry about it. It's not like you are going to start letting your kids regularly hangout with some random man off the internet!!!!!

Onetoomanycornettos · 13/11/2010 17:38

My children don't call my mum's boyfriend (for that's what he is) anything other than his name. I'm glad we didn't switch to the 'grandad' thing with her last boyfriend, as even though she was with him for years and the girls were very fond of him, essentially they split up and they don't see him now. Grandads don't pop in and out of children's lives, and personally, I would wait to build up a few years of love and affection before calling a partner 'grandad' or 'granny'.

lenak · 13/11/2010 17:42

YANBU to not want them to start calling him grandad yet.

YABU to say that they should never call him grandad if he ends up being a permanent feature in their lives.

DH's mom re-married 2 years after his dad died (there were also additional complicating factors which I am not going to detail but meant that the story may not have looked completely out of place of Jeremy Kyle ).

All of DD's grandparents are Nanny-first name or Grandad-first name including Step-FIL and Step-SIL's kids call MIL Nanny-first name.

All the kids know about their 'other' grandparents that are no longer with us.

Step-SIL was a little bit uncomfortable about it at first (her oldest was born when they got married) but it was her DD that started it and she realised how ridiculous (and petty) it would be to keep correcting a 2 year old!

DinahRod · 13/11/2010 17:59

YANBU given the short acquaintance. On that basis your postman should be Uncle Bob and the window cleaner Cousin Sue.

However, if your mother does remarry (my father married within the year) then you can decide then what you want them called. My SM was always called by her first name, however, my bf is Asian and the children call him by the correct Hindi appellation to indicate uncle. You might find if he stays the course and you and the kids really like him and want a grandfatherly figure in their lives they could call him grandpa, gramps or just Keith.

DinahRod · 13/11/2010 18:00

sorry, bf = best friend.

TrillianAstra · 13/11/2010 18:08

I thnk children can understand the concept of having multiple grandparents. One does not replace or push put the other.

linziluv · 13/11/2010 18:14

My son knows my mums partner as "grumps" lol...as although they've been together for 9 yrs, id hate to offend my dad. I agree with most others...find a new name that's not grandad.

MrsDaffodill · 13/11/2010 18:20

In my community, as a child, I called all my cousin's grandparents Granny XX and Granddad XX while being quite clear who they were in relation to me.

I think finding an affectionate name you're comfortable with is the way to go.

Fibilou · 13/11/2010 18:25

On the point that your Mum said that "they need someone to call Grandad", both my grandfathers died long before I was old enough to know them. I have never noticed the lack of grandfathers, it was just the status quo

2rebecca · 13/11/2010 18:26

I think if they marry then he will be a grandparent and step-grandparent sounds silly. If grandad reminds you of your dad then you could ask for gramps etc. I wouldn't call him by this until/ if they marry though. This isn't a title you give to boyfriends, even aged ones.
My stepkids grandfather remarried and they were never allowed to call his new wife by any sort of grandmother title and had to call her by her name, at their mum and the grandmother's insistence, despite their grandfather remarrying before they were born.
Luckily this didn't affect the relationship and in many ways they were closer to their grandfather's second wife than his first wife. If did seem a shame that the closeness of the bond was never acknowledged by them being able to call her grannie though.

As the kids here are young I think if the relationship mlasts and they marry and the granny keeps referring to him as grandad then unless you find some other gramps type name for him they will end up calling him grandad.

feedtheyakandhewillscore · 13/11/2010 18:28

YANBU

My soon to be step father in law (phew!) is granpops.

onceamai · 13/11/2010 18:36

YANBU. He is not their grandfather because he is not your father - there is no blood tie. He is not even the stepfather who acted as your father when you were a child. My stepfather is called Geoffrey. My children adore him and he adores them and he has been a fantastic loving role model to them. That does not mean he will ever be their grandfather or will be called grandad. His name is Geoffrey. He is a wonderful man and I respect him enormously. Inasmuch as I will never call him dad, neither will my children ever call him grandad. He isn't and it's purely a statement of fact. That doesn't detract from the fact that he is a lovely man and an important part of all of our lives. Nevertheless he will never take the place of my father and the dc's grandfather - he cannot he shares no blood with us.

ChilledChick2 · 13/11/2010 18:38

YANBU. Kids only have 2 GFs, their dad and mums fathers, and that's it. FWIW, I personally, don't like the idea of my kids calling anyone else grandad, but their biological GFs.

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