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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dh to help with the children in the morning? Apparently its my job?

98 replies

XboxWidow30 · 12/11/2010 09:07

Ok, views please!

I was grumpy this morning as I am still getting up in the night with baby!

So, hubby wakes everyone up at 7.55am to get out of the door by 8.15am. Once we are up he gets himself dressed, lunch and out the door for work. I have myself, 4 children, breakfast, lunches to make etc.... all to do in that time.

I should be up earlier but am so tired at the moment. I said to dh that we should both be up and getting the children ready in the mornings.

He said that he waits for me to get up before he gets up and that getting the kids ready in the morning is my job. I am cross as I really think he should be helping a bit more!

Rant over. :-(

OP posts:
Gooftroop · 12/11/2010 10:03

Xbox I hear you, been there (am there). But once you get the bigger children to school you can come home and reorganise, get properly dressed, put away the milk, find time to go on mumsnet etc. Your husband is leaving for the day ... to earn a living. It's nice if he can help - and he should help of course when he can. But ... well what you're describing just sounds normal to me.

What about my nap when the baby naps idea?

RedSuedeShoes · 12/11/2010 10:04

He gets up at 7:55am! What a lazy git, my OH s up at 5am and home at 9pm. Sounds like you have 5 kids not 4!

Animation · 12/11/2010 10:05

Gooftroop - are you a Stepford Wife?

Bonsoir · 12/11/2010 10:07

Very topical. I was very cross this morning. I felt ill yesterday evening and DP didn't have to be at work until 9.30 am this morning, so I asked him whether he couldn't, exceptionally (ie first time this school year) drop DD at school (drop off is between 8.30 am and 9.00 am, so lots of flexibility).

He overslept until 8.23 am (when I woke him) and then had the gall to suggest that DD should miss school!

Grrrrrrrr.

Gooftroop · 12/11/2010 10:14

Gooftroop - are you a Stepford Wife?

No, just a control freak Grin

And when it was me going out to work in the morning, and husband home with the children, I really didn't expect I would have to get them all ready for school and breakfasted etc etc when I was having to leave home for 10 hours and had a million things to remember. Yes, I helped - I woke them up (as Xbox's husband does - but I did it an HOUR before they had to leave - I was usually gone before they were all the way out of bed!) and laid their clothes/schoolbags out for school, but that's all.

I helped in the evenings!

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/11/2010 10:15

,, see IME, the problem with being a control freak is that one day you wake up and become a resentful control freak

PocketMouse · 12/11/2010 10:17

Grr. I was going to post something similar.. DP does get DS ready the one morning a week that he's at home but he does it SOO SLOWLY that I may as well do it myself, I'd get out the door quicker.

Late to work again.. [seethes]

anyway [goes to read rest of thread]

Jux · 12/11/2010 10:21

Yup, that's exactly how I felt when dd was small. Any of my ft jobs were easier and less tiring simply because they finished at whatever time. Being a SAHM is not an easy option.

DH used to leave the mornings to me, even when I had to be out of the house at 7.45 - when he hadn't even got up! In the time between waking and leaving for work, as well as getting myself up and ready, I had to do the same for dd (baby at hte time, so couldn't expect her to do anything, no shouting "get yer shoes on"!). DH explained to me very patronisingly patiently that as he was the main bread-winner he had to get enough sleep and couldn't be expected to watch dd in the mornings while he was getting ready for work. He worked mornings only, round the corner. Would get up just as I was leaving and had a full hour before he had to stroll down the road.

I had to arrange for whoever was looking after dd for the morning to arrive by 7.45 as he wouldn't have anything to do with her.

Your dh is being a knob.

PocketMouse · 12/11/2010 10:37

OK.. maybe things aren't tooo bad then Blush

LivinInThe80s · 12/11/2010 11:02

I only have to do it with 2 DCs, so maybe I'd think differently if I had more! But I am a SAHM and I just take it for granted that it's my "job" to get the DCs up and ready in the morning. DH sorts himself out, goes off to work, I sort out myself and the DCs and take them to school.

At weekends we each get a lie-in (no later than 9.30 though Grin) so he does their breakfast etc and gets them ready on the day that I get to sleep in. I think lie-in till 1pm is taking liberties - there would be no chance of actually SLEEPING till that time at our house anyhow with 2 DCs making a racket non-stop!

sleepycat · 12/11/2010 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HandsOffTuonMatrimsMine · 12/11/2010 11:05

YANBU - he is a parent too. It's not as if you expect him to do everything whiole you lay in bed for the morning. Surely marriage and child-rearing is a partnership?
Does he get in in the evening and expect to sit down and put his feet up while you carry on skivvying too?

GruffalosGirl · 12/11/2010 11:17

Whether or not you're a SAHM you both chose to have children and when you are both there you should parent them equally. If he did stuff at other times that made up for this but was just bad at mornings I could see how it could be fair but this just seems really selfish.

What happens when you confront him about it? Does he agree he's rubbish or does he not see any problem with the arrangements you have? If he thinks it's alright I think I'd have snapped by now if I was you to be honest and his bloody Xbox would be in cash converters

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/11/2010 12:11

Really, OP and ladies - do you think that there is more to fatherhood than conception? Heavens above, what a nest of vipers you must be. I bet you are all bringing your daughters up to expect to get an education and work outside the home!!

Frankly it is women like you that are causing all the problems in the country. Our poor menfolk are feeling totally emasculated because you are out there, taking their jobs, and expecting them to don a frilly pinny and do Women's Work in the house.

It is probably women trying to be bankers that caused the credit crunch, voted in the Labour Government and voted in the Coalition.

Now get back to your kitchens, pick up that mop, and stop bothering your little heads with stuff that is, frankly, way above you. You are biologically designed to do the childcare and housework, and you will feel so much happier if you stop hankering after the trousers.

{grin]

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/11/2010 12:20

You are so so wrong SDTG

Fatherhood is actually a complicated and demanding mixture of conception, farting, cooking sausages in the barbeque, gaming and bringing home the bacon

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/11/2010 12:22

Only for the most skilled of men, Jamie!

BobMarley · 12/11/2010 12:22

I think it is a bad sign when a husband/wife/partner/friend can stand or sit around and do nothing whilst someone else is getting stressed and doing all the work. In any given situation. Any nice person would help without thinking surely?

HandsOffTuonMatrimsMine · 12/11/2010 12:38

In any case you are a Stay At Home Mum not a House Wife. I often tell people this - any housework I do is an added bonus (not really, I do the bulk) I have my time taken up looking after 3 children. DH also tells people this and does all the cooking on one weekend day.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/11/2010 12:45

JLC - thanks, I never realised how much importance pig products had to fatherhood: porking, sausages and bacon. However do the Jewish/vegetarian fathers cope?

BM - totally agree. This is how things work with me and DP. I might be a lazy arse but I can't sit around while he is tidying/doing the washing and I know there are things to do.

discobeaver · 12/11/2010 12:48

Lol jamie! You forgot teaching the children the most impressive thing they will ever learn - belching the alphabet.

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 12/11/2010 12:50

I would go mental if I were you.

does he help in the evenings?

We have a rule that basically we split everything 50/50 when dh isnt working.

I do all the night feeds (as I ahve boobs)
and he does all the breakfasts excpet about 2 when he lies in.

Make him look after his own kids.

Fizzylemonade · 12/11/2010 12:54

I am a SAHM, DH works full time. He gets up every morning 30 mins before me (because he needs to leave early to beat the traffic)

He - empties the dishwasher
Lays the table with bowls, spoons, cereal, glasses of orange juice for the boys.
Boils the kettle for me, puts a cup with a spoon and coffee in it waiting for me when I come down.

I - get up, showered and dressed, wake boys at 7am, ds1 dresses himself (he's 7) ds2 I help (he's 4 and at school)

Down for breakfast, DH sees boys for about 5 mins, then leaves for work (about 7.20am) I clear the table with help from the boys.

They play, I put some make up on, make sure book bags are ready to go, shoes polished etc

We have done this for years. He is home for 5.30pm every night so we all try to eat dinner together. We are a family.

Why would your DH want you to feel so crap? I'd start waking him up earlier on a weekend. 1pm is crazy.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/11/2010 13:03

Elephants

They earn a crust, loaf about and take the biscuit

(or something)

Pannacotta · 12/11/2010 13:04

Totally agree with Fizzy, and also that some of the answers here are quite depressing.
Parenting is all about partnership and a 1pm lie in is outrageous!

RealityBomb · 12/11/2010 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.