work wierdities

[NewbeeMummy]

ok, this is all a bit odd and makes me feel like I'm back in high school, so please bare with me...

At my company there are a group of about 6 of us who get on fairly well, we all have the same sense of humour, and although we don't see each other outside of work we tend to all have lunch together a couple of times a week, have a good laugh, and some slightly warped conversations.

Recently a new lady has joined our company, and although I've never spent any time with her the others have commented about her being a bit odd, I think nothing of it until today.

We're all having our lunch at one of the tables in the kitchen and the conversation had sunk to it's normal low level, when this new lady joins us at the table (no issue with that), but then after about a minute butts in mid conversation and says she doesn't like the topic of conversation, so we all just sit there in silence not quite sure how to react. She then left and went off to speak to her manager (about what I have no idea)

The question is what do we do, this event has left us all feeling a bit unsure of what to do next, we don't want to exclude her, but at the same time, we want the break from work and just some time to have a bit of a laugh. Do we apologise to her, do we just ignore it, do we change our lunch routine?

I feel so stupid being in this situation given we're all mid 30's adults, but this has left us all feeling a bit like we're in high school.

OK flyingzebra, take your point, but rather than just saying "I don't like the topic of conversation" and just wandering off (apparently) she could have explained why she didn't like it and given the others the opportunity to explain/apologise/clarify their position.

This is always tricky, private conversation but work premises.

A while ago a similar thing happened where a colleague was sending jokes around via email. Many were quite innocent and very funny. However one day he sent one which was too near the knuckle for my taste. I sent him a private email warning him that as far as I was concerned he had gone too far. After that I was excluded from the joke club but to be honest I prefered it that way.

I am not a prude outside of office hours but between 9&5 I most definitely am one!

NewbeeMummy, I would recommend toning the conversation down on work premises. Perhaps you could start a tradition of one day a week somewhere off site where conversation can settle to its traditional level?

I dont think that you have done wrong by the way but this could get nasty if complaints were made.

I am a bit :o at all this.

You're all laughing at the notion of being a porn movie reviewer.
Then suddenly when she mentions she doesn't like the topic:

we all just sit there in silence not quite sure how to react

To me it seems a bit like she's called your bluff, and you're the speechless, slightly inadequate ones perhaps. :o

Crikey, I work for a much larger orgaisation and you should hear the banter we come out in the middle of the office! The age range is 20 - 64 (with the 64 being the filthiest and funniest).

It gives us all a bit of relief from the pressures and stresses we are under.

I'd carry on as normal but be more aware of your audience, I doubt she will join you for lunch as you're obviously not her cup of tea.

Nothing wrong with a bit of immature conversation too, it's what keeps us young

you cliquey sad gits.she saw right through your shite

As it sounds like there is more than one table, she should just move if she doesn't like the topic of conversation. With over 100 employees I'm sure she could find some who like to talk about the same dull stuff as her. I see no reason why adults shouldn't sit and talk to their friends on their lunch break about whatever topic they choose.

so, musicmadness, if all of your managers were sitting on another table, discussing the attractiveness of each of you and giving you marks out of 10, that's all right then, because you can sit somewhere else?

And if all the blokes in the office were sending round private emails to each other with a link to a porn clip, that would be alright too because you can walk away from any PC's displaying it?

Reminds me of the 70's when men put page 3 pin-up on the walls at work and defended it with 'they don't have to look at them if they don't want to'.

You can be as puerile as you want outside of work, but you don't do it on work premises. End of.

Thanks everyone, I hold my hand up to it not being the most mature conversation topic, and we've probably got to tone it down at work, and go offsite to have a laugh.

Ok so my next question is, then what is an acceptable level of general joking and relaxing conversation in the office?

If a disclosure of 'misconduct' is made on a social night out, can that be legally used to dismiss/warn someone? Have heard conflicting beliefs about this..

Coolma - yes, absolutely if that is a work night out. By which I mean a night out with work mates either formally (Christmas party) or informally (drink after work on Friday). What wouldn't count is, for example, if you are so friendly that you get invited to their wedding or whatever.

Oh, except that some things are so bad that contracts will allow dismissal even if they are not linked to work at all - being convicted of a serious criminal offence is a common one. I assume you're not thinking of anything that bad!

OK I'm going to put my HR hat on hear and say that anything you say in an office could be considered offensive so you just have to use your common sense and judge your audience accordingly.

I have just dealt with a very similar situation where someone completely misjudged their working relationship with another member of staff and their "joke" backfired on them badly. It is true that it can sometime feel like the world has gone PC mad and you can't have any "fun" at work any more but I'm afraid that is the just the way it is, and on the whole I think having consideration for your fellow workmates is not a bad thing.

In the instance I just mentioned the people had worked together for over 12 years and were used to office banter etc. however, on this occasion the one individual over stepped the mark because they were unaware of something that was currently happening in the other staff members life - which then caused distress and led to a formal grievance.

To be honest, I wouldn't be happy about staff discussing porn in the canteen ( I am no prude either) but that surely could be left for the pub after work .

And yes Coolma ....the general rule is that if a company hosts or pays for a party /night out/ conference etc. the same rules apply as for the office, this is why so many companies don't hold Christmas Do's anymore because of the potential for grievance issues

Hands up who thinks the New Girl at work is a MNer??

It's not just if they pay. If everyone in the office goes out for a drink after a meeting, that can still count as 'work'.

That's why I stated "hosts" RibenaBerry

You often get problems with new staff because office cultures can differ wildly. What is acceptable in your local engineering firm would be totally inappropriate if you worked at large insurance brokers. But even so, I think most workplaces would have to expect that the discussion of porn over lunch would a cause offence to a significant number of people and therefore is not really acceptable in the workplace.

Oh sorry, misread. Yes. And the idea of what it means to host can be pretty wide if a tribunal hears allegations about harassment, etc. Totally agree.

I think the new employee was the one in the wrong. Fancy joining a group of people uninvited then suggesting they changed the subject to suit her. Fair enough if she didn't like the conversation but she should have just excused herself and left the group.

Hammy - legally, no not at all. The law considers that everyone should have a right to work in an environment where they do not feel harassed or degraded. I don't think that's a bad principle to have.

I find it really odd that so many people don't distinguish between how they relate to colleagues and how they relate to pure friends. For example, whilst I might joke with colleagues about lack of sleep with small children, I would never joke about exhaustion leading to lack of sex (which I would with some close girl friends). There is a line and I think it's reasonable at work (whether or not you are on your lunch break) not to cross it.

She didn't have to sit with the group. She chose to. She could then choose to move. OP said the kitchen was big enough. I started a new job recently and find that often the conversation is close to the knuckle but you just adapt. It's part of being a grown-up. This political correct obsession is very tedious now.

I agree with Ribena and squiffy, it was not an appropriate topic of conversation for a workplace. And as for those suggesting you tell her to sit elsewhere if she didn't like the topic , well that smacks of bullying to me.

It's hardly 'bullying'. This isn't even on the radar of the level of bullying that goes on at some workplaces. Her personality is not matched to that particular group's. She can find some other people to talk to that are more compatible with her.

why do you have to DO anything? Keep on keeping on & if doesn't like the way you speak/topics of conversation she'll find someone else to sit with at lunch surely? Or read a magazine? Or go for a walk? Whatever, but you aren't really responsible for her are you?

"isn't even on the radar of the level of bullying that goes on in some workplace" - my goodness, I'm glad I don't work there. And very glad there's legislation in place so that people who do work in that sort of environment have some means of redress. I totally agree with the posters who point out that there's an enormous difference between the workplace (you have no control over who you mix with or what's said within your hearing, so HR need to have policies) and what's said in the privacy of your own home. I can be as crude as the next person down the pub on a Friday night (well, pre-parenthood when there were nights down the pub), but I have pulled people up for inappropriate comments in the workplace, not because I was offended, but because I knew people who would be offended but would be too shy to say anything. They have a right to hold down a job without feeling intimidated.

If anyone thinks I'm being precious - these were specific cases of homophobic/racial/religious prejudice being aired - admittedly, mostly low key - but still very intimidating to the people who mentioned them to me. In one case, the person on the receiving end pointed out rather bitterly that he was in the one group - white evangelical southern US christian - that even Guardian readers think it's ok to discriminate against (the context were some very unkind comments made in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina). Incidentally, his private religious belief is probably that my lifestyle - chosen single parenthood - is wrong, but in public, he wouldn't dream of airing this belief, and he and his wife have been kind and supportive in the extreme. This is how things should be - your private opinions and prejudices shouldn't stop you treating others with consideration and respect.