To not have 'alternative childcare'

[strawberrycake]

My 5 m/o is on antibiotics for a chest infection, a one week course. Poor thing is pretty rough. Nursery won't have him back until 48hrs after the course finishes.

This means time off work until then. I have no other childcare. No family or friends that don't work to take him, I have never left him with anyone but dh as there is simply noone. Surely this is fairly common.

DH could take time off but we work together so however we do it the school is down. It's easier for the school for me to be off, I don't mind either. We have noone else as I said.

Someone implied today that everyone who works should have 'alternative childcare'. AIBU to think she is simply smug as she has family to take her kids if they are ill. What is 'alternative childcare' apart from being lucky in having family members to step in?

My 10 month old has been in nursery for 2 months. He has hardly been in the place. Including all this week, so I feel your pain.

When babies are ill, they need their Mummy or Daddy. You'll develop a tough skin. Who cares what they think? You know your priorities

Maisie no need for the . Once they are at school then most children are a bit more resilient and don't come down with as many illnesses and school rules are not as strict as nursery rules about when they can and can't attend.

Of course you can take a job without a back up plan, but you can't really commit to a job if you don't have one.

When babies are ill they need someone to care for them, that will look after them, love them and meet their needs (including love & cuddles) this does not need to be one of their parents. As a parent this may be what you want - which is another thing entirely.

1. Sounds like your DS needs his Mummy, so yes, unpaid leave
2. No "reciprocal" is going to work when DC are ill, because nobody wants a sick child (I've been off work for last 2 days with vomiting child off school; actually, he's fine today, but needs to be 48 hours clear before can go back to school and or that reason, I can't leave him with anyone who has children, because he's still infectious and we just visit the problem on them)
3. Nurseries are far too keen to exclude children, in general. Worth printing out and flourishing at all possible opportunities, the Health Protection Agency guidance on excluding from school/ nursery

www.hpa.org.uk/web/HPAwebFile/HPAweb_C/1194947358374 ie no exclusion for hand foot and mouth, none for conjunctivitis, 5d for chickenpox (so no arguing over whether that last lesion has crusted or not...) 4 Hope DS better soon

YANBU. I am sure most people just call in sick themselves if annual or unpaid leave's not an option and there is no-one else to do it.

DH and I don't have back-up childcare for our two children. We are both teachers, both work 4 days a week and my parents live a 2.5 hour train journey away (DH's parents live closer but.... are teachers!).

When DD1 was younger she went to nursery. It was in the grounds of the school I taught at and many of the staff there had children at my school. I imagine it was because of this that DD1 was often kept until the end of a school day/allowed in when, according to OTT policies she perhaps shouldn't have been - there was an understanding that if they called me to collect her, their own children's education would be disrupted. I appreciate that I was incredibly lucky. I was also lucky enough to have a very sensible Headteacher. At one point I was working as the SENCO and DD1 was off nursery with a bizarre rash but she wasn't unwell. I was due to conduct an IEP review but DH had A-level exam classes to teach. My Headteacher's view was that if I was happy to bring DD1 in then she was happy to provide a TA or to supervise her herself. I took DD1 and her buggy in and she actually slept for 2 hours of the day.

These days I've changed schools and we also have DD2. We have a nanny (term time only so cheaper than nursery plus after-school-club) andused to have a nanny-share. The nanny-share was brilliant because we'd look after each other's children if need be (I took three pre-schoolers with me to school when trains were disasterous and the nanny massively delayed, I registered my class with the extras and then the nanny arrived). Having our own nanny is even better and she will look after unwell DDs if need be.

There have, over the past six years, been a few occasions when DH or I have had to be off work to look after an ill DD. We talk to our Heads and do all sorts of PPA-shuffling amongst friendly colleagues or else take it in turns so one of us does the morning and the other the afternoon. We're lucky that we have understanding and sensible Headteachers who consider us to be teachers worth holding on to but I've no doubt that's helped by our very good sickness (or lack of) records - I imagine sickly teachers who also need to take lots of time off for sickly children will be hard to deal with and that's why schools have policies on leave for staff with dependents.

we were in a similar position to the point that its one of the factors for me taking my current job working evenings & weekends. I simply don't have family and my friends, however helpful, also have jobs/families/committments other than my sick children. Our nursery is fantastic and will take children if they are not unwell in themselves after the 1st 24hrs of being on antibiotics

Re carer's leave, I've only requested it once in my current role when DH, and both DC had a D&v bug and DH was too unwell to stop throwing up to look after the boys on a saturday evening. the charming manager asked who else would be able to go into my home and help out. now let me think - who in their right mind would give up their sat evening off to clear up puke

Chipping in - absolute need for the . In fact, you can have another for good measure because the rest of your post is inaccurate too (although you are of course, entitled to your opinion).

"Once they are at school then most children are a bit more resilient and don't come down with as many illnesses and school rules are not as strict as nursery rules about when they can and can't attend" - school aged children come down with just as many illnesses, and school rules are just as strict - if not more so.

You can absolutely "commit" to a job without a backup plan.

If a child is very ill, it does not want a stranger (if you are advocating the use of an emergency nanny) taking care of it when it is at its most vulnerable - nothin g to do with what the parent wants. If a grandparent or close friend is able to look after the child, and it is happy to be looked after by another child, then all well and good, but as many other posters have said, that's not always possible.

Well I just thought I'd add my boss has been very very good, despite others at work. Asked after ds and fine. Understanding that leaving a 5 m/o with breathing difficulty with a stranger isn't a problem (he's now vv. wheezy and having coughing/ choking fits). He reminded me that ds has hospital appointments too the following week so going into a third week off (I work 2 days a week) and said not to worry.

I CAN commit to a job because I'm bloody good at it and I have a long-term excellent record there which I'm sure will improve again once ds grows a little. Apart from pregnancy I had one day off in four years previously so I'm hardly a piss-taker. It's hardly better for everyone if I decided I couldn't commit to a job and start claiming benefits is it now. Also I'm sure my work would rather have a SENCO who is committed, known by the community and long-term than have me go and add my post to their recruitment issues. I bet if I started a post saying 'AIBU not to work and claim as my ds gets ill frequently and childcare is more than my wages' I'd get little sympathy. I'd have scores of women proclaiming they managed to work and have kids who get ill!

YANBU but I can see why questions might be asked. If DC is only 5mo and you've worked their long enough to get maternity leave, why aren't you still on leave? Perhaps money? But I thought school staff got half pay for a full year of leave. From what you've said you're part time so...?

I experienced the crushing guilt of dd getting v sick in her first months at nursery - bad mummy, bad colleague. She started at 10 months and I had no backup. Next time around I'm hoping to leave it a couple of months longer or use a nanny/nanny-share until the baby is a bit older and stronger.

You have my every sympathy. It's exactly why I didn't stick out going back to work when I had DS1. When DS 1 was 2 I had full blown flu - in bed for a week. DH had to go to work - no alternative - and 13 years ago, I think he paid more than 500 on a temporary agency nanny!! At the time it was money we couldn't afford.

I had this exact reaction from my (female) boss when my DS1 had chickenpox. I was working part time and DS1 was one year old. I took 5 days off work in total (after an exemplary record myself over 5 years) and my boss wasn't happy about it. Her boss however was understanding and was so kind as to give me 2.5 days compassionate leave and 2.5 days as holiday.

My female boss didn't mention it to my face until 8 months later at my annual review! She then very aggressively asked me what my emergency childcare was as it was extremely difficult when I was off earlier in the year and he would get sick again, for sure, so what would I do then? I couldn't believe how confrontational she was being and was pretty sure she shouldn't be asking me those questions anyway, so sat there a bit blankly! I certainly did not have funds to pay my childminder plus an extra emergency nanny!

I must add that my job was hardly high powered - one of 10 team secretaries so we all did the same job and covered for each other. I suppose she felt that I should have a nanny as she earned a lot more than me and could afford me. Or maybe she was jealous that I took time off when she wouldn't have that excuse.

I agree with most people here and say that YANBU as we don't have emergency childcare either - what's that supposed to be anyway?

We don't have family living close by but we are lucky that we work from home most of the time.

In the years though there have been a few times where we've had a sick child in the background and people just understand as most are in a similar boat.

Even in the long spurts where I was on maternity leave or SAHM, my DH a couple of times has had to take time off when I have been sick and there was nobody to look after the children as I was bedbound!

Not read whole thread......but if the choice is losing your job or emergency nanny then surely you suck up the emergency nanny costs.............

This is also one of the reasons why people pay for nannies/ childminders as they tend to be slightly more flexible about ill children.

I work shifts and often have midweek days off. I would willingly pootle about one of my friends houses tending to an ill child if it helped them to hang onto their job.

My services have not yet been required though.... it probably helps that ill children (unless they are REALLY sick) don't scare me.

yes it is tough - and sometimes you ahve to decide - pay for emergency nanny or unpaid time off work.

teh concept of "alternative" childcare is oen to think about as baby gets older..

meanwhile - "Very poor weight gain, allergy to milk, special milks but still very little gain, constant coughs, pale and skinny. He's gone from the 75th to 2nd centile in weight (98th for length) and simply refused to eat" yes you need to push GP for a referral and general check, rule out any possible "bigger" underlying issues - eg metabolic conditions, cystic fibrosis etc -

going from 75th to 2nd centile is a big, big fall. tho presumably if on special milk you have seen a paediatrician / dietician? dont let GP fob you off and push for some tests to be done. has is red book been filled in each visit with weight so you can show the rapid decline in weight? if the special milk is not helping and he is continually coughing you need to make sure it is just some ongoing viral thing and not a different underlying cause. how is his development otherwise? is be beginning sitting up?

there are a host of conditions wihch can easily be ruled out and put your mind at rest there is no big issue going on... and there are conditions which can be treated.

if he does turn out to be a sickly baby - either just for now or longer term issues needing treatment - then yes you may need to reconsider your work patters, or employ a nanny (or nanny share) instead of using a nursery (nannies work when baby is sick - but you will stll need cover for when nanny is sick! hopefully less often... )

in fact i would seriously consider a nannny now for this baby as he needs more care than some others at this point and possibly for his first year or two. if he having choking episodes i would be happier with one in-house trained carer rather than a nursery with a named key worker. also not ahving to take him out of the house to childcare may well help him too - espec in winter.

think of it as investmetn now in short term - will eb expensive now but also a nanny would be able to take him to routine appointments. when you have a sick baby/baby with special dietary or other needs - everything changes... and a nursery may not be able to fully meet his needs and meet your needs as working parents.

we dont have family nearby. my work has a scheme for emergency childcare that we can call on- although i have never used it. we have a very good neighbour and friend that will look after dd. and yes, we are very very lucky.

We have this problem also..when I was taking time off to look after DS when he was sick, work asked if there was 'alternative' childcare eg friends etc. I said what friend in their right mind, would want to take a sick child in to look after?!!

The school can also be a bit in this respect..parents evening letter said that children were not allowed on the premises during the parent's evening and they were also not allowed to wait outside in the playground (not that I would have left DS there at all!)

So, DH had to look after DS while I went..and found some children there with both their parents!

cestlavie Thanks for the concern. He's under a dietician (who only does bloody appointments 3 months apart!). He saw a pead once, but he had only dropped to 25th at that point. Discharged in minutes as a 'study boy'. It hasn't been a rapid fall, it's a steady, nearly flat, curve on the chart of his own. Another appt. in 2 weeks now, I'll see what's said. His development otherwise is great, if anything slightly ahead, nearly ready to crawl and strong for his age. He can roll both ways, commando crawl, sit in a tripod position, stand holding on to your hands etc. Babbling well and very happy and calm.

I'll have to see how it goes with nursery, of all the options I picked it for the wonderful staff. Only 5 babies in the room at the most he's in and they are excellent with him and he's well stimulated. They really seem to care about him and have good common sense regarding his care.

Oh dear, I made a comment along these lines recently in the office but I am pretty sure it was not to you! I was just chatting to a friend who has no kids yet about our childcare arrangements and how DC illness had worked out without me being off work (v busy time of year).

It is true, I think, that every working parent needs alternative childcare, unfortunately some working parents (all men IME) with SAH partners do not realise this when their SAH partners are ill and are unhelpful and unkind partners in this respect. Also I think in a working couple it is very common for the mother to take a disproportionate share of the caring burden, possibly because the father's work may be less sympathetic to him taking time off, or there may be other (feminist / relationship?) issues e.g. she may feel she is better at caring for the ill child, or she may be the lower earner or already work part-time or for some other reason her work is accepted somehow in the parenting relationship to be less valuable than the father.

We have 2 DC aged 4 and 1 and use a combination of nursery and au pair and DC grandmother (which we are very lucky to have available to us and to be able to afford). This costs roughly the same as a FT nanny but we feel gives more flexibility. DC grandmother (my MIL) is fab but can't do more than one day at a time really as it is too tiring for her so we don't like to put too much on her but it is obviously v much appreciated when she volunteers to help.

Anyhoo, when DC1 had chickenpox recently we used 4 types of childcare - au pair had DC1 (for extra pay), MIL did nursery run for DC2 as au pair could only have done it by taking ill child with her which obviously is not on, and in the same week I had to leave work early to do nursery run another couple of days, and DH also took time off.

I'm not sure why other posters who have a free emergency childcare benefit don't take this up - when I had only DC1 I once used this by having nanny come round while I was working from home and this was fine. As DC1 was 2 1/2 at the time and used to different carers at nursery he did not freak out or anything and was asleep most of the day as it turned out.

I don't know how people do it without family support or the financial ability to pay for support, and have every sympathy with parents who would rather SAH (and I don't care if they would be on benefits if they did) - I suppose you just have to keep taking annual leave or try to make the hours up elsewhere, and hope you don't get bullied out of your job. It takes nerves of steel to be a working parent sometimes.

we offer three days paid per year for this kind of thing.

People then take time off in lieu or holidays.

I think that's quite fair... the alternative is unlimited time off for those with dependents, no business can work on that basis.

I do sympathise, but we try and be as fair as possible.

I also notice, however, that the suggestion of the dad taking half of the time needed is scoffed at considerably.

It shouldn't fall just to women.

and before there is a flaming, I have had a very ill dependent for whom I had to take advantage of this policy!

Yes, hairyfairylights, at my work, the "emergency childcare" policy also covers "elder care" or other dependents too. I have met quite a few colleagues over the years with dependent parents.

We are lucky to work in jobs with this kind of policy in place though, I think a lot of smaller employers don't have it.

We always had to take annual leave. I think men and women should take alternate days if possible, flexible working for everyone would help, until all parents share the load workplaces won't see it as an issue.

As it is once this generation's parents don't need child care the problem generally is not discussed or thought about anymore, so nothing changes, so the next generation have exactly the same problem again.

I remember paying horrendous nursery fees, which at the time was a big deal, but now as it doesn't affect me anymore it's not an issue.

But the people who don't have children would have to have the same opportunities.

It's not just your child being ill that makes you need emergency childcare - my childminder was ill last week so we needed emergency childcare. Fortunately, my mum lives near and she could come at short notice, but that's not always an option.

I have used a nursery and two different childminders since having children and frankly it was a bitch to find good childcare. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to find back up care as well.

Plus I pay £99.75 a day for my childminder (depressingly, I have just worked out that I earn £72 a day, but fortunately I work four days and only pay childcare for three days) so paying £200 a day is just completely unfeasible.