in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

frgr- there is no 100% sure contraception apart from total abstinence. "Taking control of your fertility" increases your odds of avoiding an unwanted pregnancy, but doesn't remove them altogether if you are having sex. Contraception does fail. It's not "back to the 1700s", it's back to the year dot. It's Mother Nature, innit? So I'd say I agree with Skidoodly.

This thread is an eye-opener for me. I shall certainly be advising my son to double up on contraception even if he's in a secure, settled relationship. I know of a young man who is in a long-term relationship after conceiving a baby during a one-night stand. I'm not sure how secure a basis that is for choosing a life partner.

"I don't think agonising over being "ready" is any kind of virtue."

what do you mean by this?

"I'm not sure how secure a basis that is for choosing a life partner."

I'm not sure any method is secure after reading this. it appears even after spending years getting to know someone and choosing to marry them still doesn't mean you can trust them.

spidookly, your flippant attitude says it all.

Frankly, it is people like you and OP that will make me
teach ds never to trust what a woman says at face value, particularly around contraception, even if she was his nearest and dearest. This just reinforces the image of some women as scheming and conniving and being unable to articulate or agree with their partners as adults, preferring instead to use passive aggressive underhanded methods to achieve their objectives by deceit at the expense of another life.

duchesse, DH and I started off as a on-night-stand. 27 years ago.

But I didn't get pregnant till after we both decided it was time. :)

So having unprotected sex with my husband makes me a threat to children?

You are deranged.

booy

what I meant by that was that I don't think my and dh's lack of family planning is a moral issue. We are both happy with it and it doesn't affect anyone else.

no i don't think it is anybody's business if you and your DH just let things happen, but in the OP's case, her husband clearly did place value on being ready. OP completely disregarded how he felt. you might feel different about this if your DH did have preference about when he conceived his chidlren. as it is, he doesn't, so you are both singing from the same hymn sheet. OP and her husband didn't agree and it should have been resolved properly rather than by her deceiving him and manipulating him.

skidookly, booyhoo has explained it. It would have been obvious enough I was referring to your support of the OP's actions not what you or your dh did but you chose to deliberately misunderstand.

Maybe you are not used to acting like an adult?

OFFS- I think that's different. I'm not sure how much impetus there was for this couple to have a go at the longer-term because of the baby. I'm sure a relationship starting with one nighter means there's definite physical attraction, but if you've only met a person very briefly before having sex with them, and then end up in a long term relationship, I'd hazard that you don't have time to go through the "dating" stages where you find out about deeper compatibilities. And it could be an absolute disaster.

I wonder how the OP broke the news of the 'surprise' pregnancy X 2 to her dh. Did she act sad, scared, happy but frightened? Did she tell immediately after the first pregnancy test or did she wait until her period has long past and prepare the way with voicing little fears along the way of delayed periods. Or perhaps wait until 3 months has passed ...

A performance worthy of an Oscar. Twice over.

If it wasn't such a disgusting thing to do, the OP would have told her dh by now. The fact that she will take it to her grave shows she knows her dh could freeze her and her dcs out yet. It is her guilty conscience that makes her confess to strangers.

agree blue. you only keep it secret because you fear the consequences of the truth being told. you only fear the consequences if you think they will be bad. OP knows her DH wouldn't react well to this betrayal of trust.

I am suprised at the anti feminist rants , im sorry but if a man ( a grown up) doesnt want children then he should ensure he uses contraception

"He feels that his life has been ruined and although he fulfills his financial obligations he accepts no emotional or practical responsibility for the child."

How is that acceptable? He's punishing the child for the behaviour of the mother.

He is emotionally abusing the child. This is wrong, regardless of the circumstance.

Or keeps it in his pants until he is 'ready'

my H plans to get a vasectomy in the new year - i wonder if by any of this logic, because i don't continue to take the pill (or whatever) and i trust that he actually attends the appointment we will set up for him... am i to blame if he decides he's too scared to go through with it/wants more kids after all... and then tells me it's done... and i fall pregnant? that's really the same thing, right? And it wouldn't be a "huge moral issue"? lol.

duchesse, I completely agree. The pressure of a new baby is enormous on a couple who are loving and committed, God knows how hard it is when you didn't really choose to be together.

I'm not certain that's why she wouldn't tell. Blue touched on what I would imagine is the main reason - the big "act" leading up to the announcement, the test, etc, the revealation bascially that she was pregnant.

Some people say when their partner is unfaithful that the really bad bit is the lies they told on this night or that day when the subsequently found out they were cheating.

I know someone who's cheating DH put his work uniform on on Christmas Day and went off to work. He wasn't working. He went to his mistress' house and spent Christmas day with her and her children

He left 3 children at home with their mother and they all thought he was working.

I digress. Basically, he wouldn't be mad at the betrayal of trust that went with stopping contraception itself, but the big act that went with it when the outcome was acheived...

bumpsoon, I thought we'd exhausted the "sterilisation or celibacy" argument (is that particulary feminist?) but it seems not.

agree with frgr. according to some one here frgr you should still be taking the pill after you DH has his vasectomy and it would be your responsibility if you became pregnant by his deceit

bumpsoon, I guess you would be fine if your dh decided his family was complete that he could refuse to ever have sex with you again. From your views, it would seem that that would be a very sensible thing for your dh to do.

Goth: "How is that acceptable? He's punishing the child for the behaviour of the mother. He is emotionally abusing the child. This is wrong, regardless of the circumstance."

So right, he should forget about his financial obligations as well and punish the mother properly. Teach her something about the consequences of her actions.

Sorry simply couldnt be arsed to read the whole thread ! I guess it annoys me slightly that its only ,what, 50 years since we as women got any real choice with regards contraception and its now been turned against us by a generation of menboys who insist on women taking precautions whilst they prolong their childhood

bumpsoon, OP had a choice in taking teh pill. no-one insisted she took it. she could have said "no. Im not taking it, use condoms" but she didn't she let her jusband believe they were using contraception. if she had given him a choice and he refused to use a condom then that is his responsibility, but she didn't, she told him she was taking the pill and he trusted her. (most people trust their spouse).

blueshoes my dh did think his family was complete , he however chose to have sex with me for well over a year ( not in one sitting so to speak) whilst knowing i was not on any form of contraception and he was still angry when i got pregnant

booyhoo ,damn good point , i shall leave now